Instruction manual: Cook-It WhirlBlend Xtreme 2.0

Welcome to the Cook-It family! We congratulate you on your purchase of the Cook-It WhirlBlend Xtreme 2.0!

With the Cook-It WhirlBlend Xtreme 2.0 you’ll enjoy easy blending and mixing. It is perfect for creating the richest and creamiest soups and smoothies with a simple touch of the button. Hang on, did anyone actually do a double-blind randomised controlled trial? I mean, we can’t just claim that our blender makes the creamiest smoothies without testing all the other blenders on the market. Maybe I should worry about that later and just write the damn manual. Yeah. The Cook-It WhirlBlend Xtreme 2.0 features a timeless design that adds a touch of class to any kitchen.

The stainless steel exterior encases a compact high-speed motor that is strong enough to crush twenty ice cubes at a time. The blades are made of hardened steel for long-lasting sharpness and superior cutting power. Superior to what?! Other blender blades? A samurai sword? A spoon? I have no idea. I’m just the poor sod writing this manual. Don’t ask me about blender blades. The blender jar is made from unbreakable glass. A wide range of accessories is available for the Cook-It WhirlBlend Xtreme 2.0. Why not complete your set with our patented tamper or single serve smoothie cups?

Your safety is important to us. To avoid risk of injury, do not insert hands or utensils while the motor is running. If we’re going to warn people about this, maybe we should make it more general. There’s bound to be some idiot who tries to stick their foot in because the manual didn’t tell them not to. Only use official Cook-It blender accessories. The Cook-It WhirlBlend Xtreme 2.0 is not suitable for use by children.

Your new Cook-It WhirlBlend Xtreme 2.0 is easy to use! Ensure you have removed all packaging. Then place the blender on a stable, level surface. The blender can be used for hot or cold foods. Do not fill the blender jar above the maximum level and ensure the lid is securely fastened before use. To switch the blender on, insert the plug into a wall socket and twist the dial to the desired setting. Apparently, I really have to tell people to plug the thing in before turning it on. It’s on the checklist my boss gave me. The Cook-It WhirlBlend Xtreme 2.0 has 10 different speeds. Twisting the dial clockwise will increase the speed. There are also three pre-set programmes:

A: Perfect for hot soups and sauces.

B: Ideal for smoothies.

C: For thick foods such as nut butter. Do people really make their own nut butter? At my local supermarket, peanuts cost about the same as peanut butter. Saves you having to clean a blender.

Thick foods may cause problems. How very dramatic. I mean, come on. Problems! The coral reefs are dying, the rain forests are burning, people are dying of ebola. Those are problems. Having food that is a bit tricky to blend is a minor annoyance. To solve the problem, first turn the dial to the “off” position. Once the blades come to a complete stop, remove the lid, and use a spatula to remove trapped air and push the food down onto the blades. Secure the lid and turn the blender back on. If the problem persists, it may be necessary to add a small amount of liquid.

For optimal performance, the Cook-It WhirlBlend Xtreme 2.0 should be cleaned after each use. Unplug the blender before cleaning. The blender base should be cleaned with a damp microfiber cloth. Never immerse the blender base in water. I can’t believe this is my job. Four years at university, and here I am writing the bloody manual for a thirty quid blender. And the fun doesn’t end there, oh no. I’ve got manuals to write for a microwave oven, an electric kettle, two toasters, and a coffee machine. And that’s this week only. You’re probably wondering why an electric kettle needs a manual. Believe me, I asked myself the same thing. Then I asked my boss and he told me to shut up and write the damn thing. Apparently, I have to use the phrase “sleek, modern design” in that one. I hate the word “sleek”. The blender jar and lid are dishwasher safe. Dry the blender base, jar, lid and all accessories before storing.

Do not use the Cook-It WhirlBlend Xtreme 2.0 for more than twenty consecutive minutes. The motor may overheat, leading to injury. And seriously, do not stick anything into the blender while it’s running. Turn it off first. And unplug it, just to be on the safe side. I’m sorry I didn’t take safety seriously in paragraph four. I looked up “blender injuries” on the internet and I never want to do an image search again. Ugh. Do not stick fingers into the blender. Do not insert hands into the blender. Keep all body parts out of the blender. Please.

Our helpful customer service is always available to answer any questions you might have. Oh no, no no no no! Don’t write. Don’t send emails. Don’t ask questions. I’m probably the one who has to answer them, seeing as I’m the only one here at Cook-It who knows the difference between “their”, “they’re” and “there”. It’s why they made me write the manuals. They say I’m a professional writer but it’s a far cry from the dream I had when I was a kid. If you have created a delicious meal with your Cook-It WhirlBlend Xtreme 2.0, why not share it with us?

There’s a glint in the boss’s eye and I just know he’s going to suggest we go on social media. I’m not sure if I can explain to him that you can’t toss around phrases like “sleek, modern design” and “the ultimate in kitchen luxury” when there’s a 280 character limit. You’ve got to be short, snappy and funny.

The Cook-It WhirlBlend Xtreme 2.0 comes with a five year warranty.