If I Could Turn Back the Hands of Time

  If I Could Turn Back the Hands of Time

Suzanne Marsh

I looked in the mirror this morning; I wondered who the old woman was standing and staring back at me. No, that can’t be me! What a terrible thought, that is, how could time have come and gone so quickly. It was only yesterday or at least it seems like yesterday; I was young, no gray hair, nice figure, now my hair is washed out gray and my figure is not hourglass went poof with the schwin. What more can I say? I wish there were a way to turn back the hands of time; to be young again and know what I know now. Where would I want to be in life now if I could turn back time?

August, 1967

I waited for the phone to ring, grabbed it before my parents could hear what I was about to tell my fiance. I had no idea what to do, I was seventeen years old, and pregnant. Back in the day the mores dictated that you “had” to marry the boy that made you pregnant. I had not informed my parents but I was about to inform him. I had no idea what to say, I couldn’t just blurt out that I was pregnant, and what were we going to do.

“Hi, Paul, we have a problem.” Paul sighed as I continued:

“I am pregnant, what are we going to do?” Paul, had an extremely excitable personality:

“I’ll get an emergency leave, come home and we’ll get married.” I felt a lump in my throat:

“Okay, but you are going to Vietnam, I haven’t told my parents yet.” Paul was thoughtful:

“Let me call mine first, then you can tell yours. I don’t know if it will make things easier but

it is worth a try.” Worth a try, those words would echo in my mind for years:

“Will call me after you tell them, I have to tell my parents.”

I told my parents later that day, the confrontation, the hurt, anger and raw pain. They were watching television. I told my mom I needed to show her something, that something was prenatal pills. She was not a happy camper but it was my dad that became very angry. It was over two weeks before he would trust himself to speak to me.

Time was ticking away, mom wanted to go to Louisiana where Paul was stationed, he was having problems getting an emergency leave. Finally Paul managed to secure an emergency leave. He came home, then his mother refused to sign for him to get married, however later she relinquished her steadfastness and signed. I later discovered he told her she would never see her grandchild if she did not sign. It was not the best start to a marriage, it became the marriage from hell for thirteen years. I grew, he didn’t. He wanted what he wanted it made no difference what the children or I needed. There were three daughters by the time the divorce became final. I lost custody of them.

January, 2024

I lived thirteen years in hell of my own making. The mental and verbal abuse was something no one has the right to do to another human being. I broke free, of the cycle of abuse. I remarried, and have been happily married tot he same man for the last forty two years. I later learned my daughters were being beaten and physically abused, that was a difficult time. The three girls don’t talk to him, apparently since they are a part of me he wants nothing to do with them, his grandchildren or now great grandchildren.

I often wonder what would have happened if I could have turned back time. Would I have married him had I not been pregnant. I don’t think I would have, I would have gone to college, and become a journalist. Instead I chose to marry and have three children. I also discovered that it was not love but lust that had caused us to create a child. It took me a long time to come to understand that being forced to marry was not a wise or fair thing. What would have happened had we gone our separate ways?

I would have been honest and told him I did not want to get married at eighteen. I would have give the child up for adoption. I could not bring myself to abort a child, that was not the answer. I would have eventually figured out that I wanted to be a writer. I think I would have made a good one. I would have traveled to Europe to see Germany, Austria, and Scotland, those were dreams of an everyday housewife.

Turning back the hands of time, is a day dream; time does have a way of getting away from a person. I am now seventy- four this year I will be three quarters of a century, that sounds better than seventy-five.

Life has been good to me, it has not been good to Paul. I can’t imagine not seeing or speaking to my daughters. Their step-dad is the one they call dad, Paul they refer to as “the sperm donor”. I have never referred to him as such. I let the girls decide with prompting. The girls are in their fifties now, all happily married.

Turning back the hands of time, would I have met the love my life? Would I have had three daughters, ten grandchildren and ten great grandchildren? Somehow I doubt it. There was a time when I would have loved to have turned back time, I would have done a great many things differently. I think everyone at some point would like to turn back the hands of time, clean up the mistakes and move on. I heard Cher sing “If I Could Turn Back Time” when it first came out, I had thoughts about the words: “If I could turn back time.” Do I have doubts? Not any longer, I have peace within myself. Turning back time would be a mistake for me, regrets I have some but not many. The only real regret I have is not listening to my parents, marrying at a young age but time also taught me, that time goes on. You forget the anger, hurt and pain. You heal, you live.