Those Lightning Eyes

It’s 8:44 PM and pitch black outside. Not even the moonlight is shining through my office window tonight. The missing moon makes this room seem even darker than usual. The only light I have is coming from a lamp sitting in the corner, but it’s only bright enough to see the door and a calendar hanging on the wall. Across from the door, is me, sitting at my desk staring wide-eyed at that dangling calendar… trying to process what just happened. 

My managers just left my office about ten minutes ago. 

I'm getting transferred in a week, “the plane leaves at 9:00 AM Monday,” was the last thing they said. 

Are you serious?

This is all too soon, I just got here a few months ago.

I can't look away from that calendar on the wall. It looks like it’s about to fall at any moment. It’s so dark in here, the missing moonlight is making me even more miserable. 

Maybe I’m in shock. 

I just got transferred to this facility, they really need help in another state already? Why can't I stay here? I asked them that over and over again … I probably sounded pathetic. I probably sounded like I was begging … but I don't care. I don't want to leave yet.

I'm not ready yet.

I've only been here for a few months. Now in a week, I will be states away.

STATES AWAY. 

Which means, 

No more him. 

***

It’s 5:23 AM. 

Yes, I’m still in my office.

No, I’m not staring at the calendar anymore. 

I just couldn’t motivate myself to get up. I thought about calling or texting him. Around one in the morning I really did almost call him, but I couldn’t get myself to do it … plus I realized it was pretty late. I was also a little drunk. I keep wine hidden under my desk for these kinds of tragedies.

For some reason, in my drunken state, I decided I wanted to leave him a letter. I wrote him this letter and now … now I’m sitting here with it in my hands, realizing how incredibly embarrassing this is. 

What am I doing? 

Do not give him this intoxicated letter. Go home. Talk to him tomorrow. Or, in a few hours I guess. Or maybe not, I don’t know. I don’t think I’m going to come back later. I don’t know. 

But he can’t read this letter, that I do know. 

It’s just too ridiculous. We’re just too different. We live two completely different lives. He’s already a father, extremely well off, has a house, multiple cars, clever, smart, has certifications, respected in the community, over the party/drinking days, has savings …

Then there’s me: broke, new to the company (a miracle I even got hired), has a slight drinking problem (according to my mother), apartments are always run down, drives a run down car, I’m just run down all together (if we’re being honest right now). The only things I’m certified in are, “how to be an idiot” and “making bad decisions”. Communities always hated me too. An “important and respected” township official was my next door neighbor in my last town, he literally told me he hated me. (I accidentally parked on his lawn twice when I was drunk, but that’s besides the point).           

Traveling will always be the best option for me. I understand that. It was only a matter of time before this community hated me. You know what … maybe that’s the real reason why I’m getting transferred. This work community probably hates me. 

Dammit.

Well, there is a two percent chance of being with him, and about forty percent chance of being able to keep him as a distant friend. But, if he reads this God awful letter, there is a one hundred percent chance he will never talk to me ever again. 

I am taking forty percent. I already know that he thinks I’m crazy, this letter will just validate the fact even more. 

So with that, when he hears the news about me leaving, we will tell each other all the generic sayings, “I will miss you, I loved working with you, keep in touch, this really sucks,” and if I’m lucky, I might be able to get a hug out of it.

I hate everything. 

Shaking my head, I start reading the letter again. God … Is this really how I sound drunk? The more I read it … the more I want to burn it. 

Just listen to how pathetic I sound:

I’ve been trying to figure out who you remind me of for the longest time. I just couldn’t figure it out … is it an actor? Someone from a movie? Were you an old friend? Have we met before? I started thinking … Maybe a party? Have we met at a party? Seen you at a store? Why do you feel so familiar? Like home. Were you a childhood friend of mine? 

Maybe a relative? Something about how you would go out of your way to help, even if it came off a little aggressive. I could see right through it, because I know I have seen it before. Have we had these conversations before?

But after hearing about your life … it would have been impossible for us to have ever met. I never “ran” into you. I never saw you at a store or party. I would’ve remembered you. 

Maybe a character from a book? But who? Every book I’ve read … trying to think who it is you remind me of … Atticus? Robin hood? Peter Pan? Holden? Gatsby? Tom or Huck? I just couldn’t figure it out, even when you told me your favorite books.

It was driving me insane. 

When you started training me at work, I started thinking, maybe you remind me of a former teacher. 

For the longest, I really thought you must have been a friend I once knew, even though I couldn’t think of a name. 

I really started believing I must have known you from a past life.

Then I gave up. I just gave up trying to figure out who you reminded me of … I didn’t care anymore. I was just so drawn in … so infatuated … It was just … the comfort, familiarity, trust, safety, intuition … like how we could talk with our eyes … Neither one of us needed to say a word at times. We just knew. I became so drawn to you … why was I so drawn in? Trust you so much? Was it the way your voice rumbled like thunder? The type of voice that made you listen. We could talk for hours and I could listen to that thunder forever. 

Was it those eyes? 

It had to have been those eyes … those lightning eyes …

It’s like looking at a storm cloud, a dark, moving, gray haze with sunlight peeking through. What stunned me was whenever real light hit your eyes, the clouds would break away and that flash of gold engulfed everything. Sometimes it would happen fast like a strike of lightning, disappearing within seconds. But sometimes the gold would stay, those were the times I couldn’t look away. It was like seeing the sun finally shine after a long rainy day, the gray clouds lingering in the background as golden light flickered. It always filled me with warmth like a fire. I’ve never loved the color gold so much. 

Then I saw it. One day, when looking in those lightning eyes, staring back at me was who you reminded me of. Why I was so drawn in and why I trusted you so much. I told you the truth about everything. You are the only soul in the entire world that knows every truth and secret. I talked to you as if I was talking to myself. The way we could read each other’s mind, I have been studying a mirror this entire time. I have never met anyone who reminded me of myself so much. Your pain, your anger, everything about you. I was finally not alone, I finally didn’t feel lost. Even if you didn’t say anything, I just felt complete. 

It’s crazy what the brain and heart wants. I have only known you for a short amount of time, but I feel like I’ve known you forever. I know I sound dramatic, but you should hear how you sound. It’s so funny, I wonder what you write in your journals, were you trying to figure out who I reminded you of? Did you write your list of possible characters? Do you think of me, too? I know I'm being delusional, but this is the closest I’ve ever felt about soulmates.

It’s too hard to think about, we are the same person on the wrong timeline. Our paths should have never crossed. According to the world, we are technically light years apart. If this was writing, I’m the introduction and you are the conclusion. We shouldn't even be allowed in the same book. We were both told to stop talking to each other so much, but we couldn’t help it. We treated our friendship like a drug.

They say opposites attract, but what happens when you are the same? Parallel? In sync? You’re positive, I’m positive. You’re negative, I’m negative. According to physics, we should repel against each other. We should immediately bounce away from each other, I shouldn’t be so drawn to you, and you to me. 

But here we are, defying physics. The world was surprised by what a rebel I am, and the world sure as hell knows what a rebel you are. It shouldn’t be our fault that everyone hated our friendship. We were just talking to each other, that’s all we were ever going to be allowed. It’s absolutely impossible in this lifetime for us to be more than just friends. We both knew that deep down. Why should they feel the need to have an opinion?

I did love that we didn’t care what they said, though. And to tell the truth, it was a lot of fun pissing everyone off. 

I dreaded this day. I really did. This life’s timeline is always shifting, and I knew any little tilt, fall, gust of wind was going to blow our paths apart. The fact that we are even on the same path right now is astonishing. It was all worth it, too. No matter how painful this is, it was worth getting to know you and the incredible fascination that came with you. 

All your writings, notes, music, even your handwriting captivated me. I’m going to cherish everything you gave me. Meeting you makes me think of a quote I once read:

“One day, whether you are 14, 28, or 65, you will stumble upon someone who will start a fire in you that cannot die. However, the saddest, most awful truth you will ever come to find - - is they are not always with whom we spend our lives.” Beau Taplin said that. This quote kills me now because I know that it’s the truth about you. 

I am hanging on to every second I have left, surviving on this same timeline as you. Even though, I know, the end of the road is near.

I am taking advantage of any last chance I get to hear the rumble in your voice, see your deep, stormy, lightning eyes, and feel your comforting atmosphere.

Because it is all coming to an end. 

But when it does, I promise, you’re the first I’m looking for in my next life. 

Yeah, no. He cannot read this. I will die. 

Absolutely. Not. 

It’s barely a letter. It's more like a teenager's diary entry about their crush. 

I can’t read it anymore. I can’t even think about it anymore. 

Sighing, I stuffed the insane letter in my purse and looked out the window. It’s almost 6:00 AM now and the morning sunlight is pouring into my office. It feels like it got extremely bright outside in a matter of minutes. Employees are going to start getting here soon.

I really need to leave.

I can’t believe I sat here all night. It truly is amazing how ridiculous I am. I can’t come back here in a few hours, I’ll be mentally sick. I might as well just not come back at all. 

I stuffed my notebook, papers, and pens in my desk and finally got up from my office chair. I stretched my body out and grabbed my coat from the back of the chair. I put it on, grabbed my purse, and started heading towards the door. 

I stopped halfway to rummage through my purse to find my car keys. When I pulled my keys out, the stupid letter got caught and fell out everywhere on the floor. Swearing, I bent down to pick up the papers. Then all of a sudden, the door busted open, causing the calendar to fall to the floor. 

Startled, I immediately looked up, and looking back at me was a pair of striking grayish-golden eyes, dancing with the morning sun. I was struck, like getting struck by lightning. 

A face and body that overfilled me with safety and comfort, and a crazy sense of familiarity. He didn’t say a word, but he didn’t have to. 

I knew it all, especially when I saw a letter in his hands.