Finding the Light

Pity was the one and only thing Kira was supposed to be feeling for the woman in front of her, but what she felt was very different. The woman was one of the “near-blessed.” With lighter eyes, she would be one of the chosen, like Kira and her family. Still, she sought her out every morning when she bought her coffee.

The woman finished counting out Kira’s change and handed it to her. She made a point of looking at the sun pendant Kira wore. “Church of True Light. You a believer?”

“I—I guess…I mean, uh, yes.” Kira took her change and left a tip in the jar. “May the Light guide you.”

The woman slid a business card to Kira, her hand making the movements of the secret greeting of the church. “My number’s on there. Any time you want to talk, I’m available.”

Kira felt her cheeks burn as she hid the card in her coat and rushed out the door. What she felt was not pity, but envy, mixed with something else she couldn’t identify. Why did the barista get to live as she desired without divine retribution, but not Kira?

As she sat on the bus to her place of work, she avoided the stares of the unblessed and near-blessed while she read from the Book. Letting it fall open at random was supposed to be a way for the Light to be one’s guide. In Kira’s case, she’d read these passages so many times, the binding was broken there. It told how the Light would only inflame lust in the hearts of those joined in marriage.

Kira read it again anyway. She had no feeling beyond disgust in her heart for Jerad, the man she was to marry. Their parents had arranged it years ago in accordance with the church laws.

She thought about the card again, and the way she’d slid it over. The secret greeting; only the fully blessed and chosen were taught that.

The near-blessed could join the church, but to be fully blessed and considered one of the chosen they had to forego any sort of occupation other than volunteering full time for the church. After at least a year, they could be blessed into the fold in a Confirmation ceremony where they would learn the hand movements. The barista knew the signal but didn’t wear the sun pendant nor dress conservative. In fact, her usual style was downright provocative.

Kira slid the card out of her inner coat pocket and looked at it. Anika, she thought, pretty name; it suits her. The image of Anika’s bright smile and the sparkle in her eyes that made Kira’s mornings bearable filled her mind. A surge of guilt and shame washed over her, and she stuffed the card back into her coat’s inner pocket. She scanned the people around her on the bus, concerned that they could somehow see her sin. She returned to her reading.

“The lust of the chosen for those not chosen is not the work of Light but of Darkness. Just as the lust of a man for a man or a woman for a woman is Darkness moving over the heart, damning them to an eternity in Torment with the unblessed.

“When Darkness has thus swayed the heart of the chosen, the Light will strike them down to death, and remove their soul from the register of the blessed. Their soul shall be locked forever in Torment, their eyes forever looking up to the blessed in Paradise.”

Kira closed her holy book and sipped at her coffee. She’d convinced herself that she always waited to be served by Anika because she made the coffee better than any of the other baristas, but she no longer believed her internal lie. As she held the warm cup, she imagined Anika’s fingers entwined with hers and a hot blush rose on her cheeks.

She wondered what it would feel like to have Anika as close as the cup to her lips. The steam rising to meet them became Anika’s breath in her fantasy before she regained control of her thoughts. The guilt rose again. That she hadn’t been struck down dead meant she hadn’t crossed the line — wherever that was.

Many of her coworkers were the unblessed, yet most of them were friendly, kind, thoughtful — the kind of person one would like to have a friend. The priests warned about that, though, the veneer of good that Darkness put over its minions to lure the chosen away from the Light. Kira couldn’t see it, though, not anymore. If the goodness of her coworkers was a “veneer,” it was still far deeper than that of many of the church members, her own parents included.

She’d had a long discussion with one of them at a quiet lunch, once. They were gentle with their words as they encouraged Kira to think for herself, to make her own life choices. They had finished by saying, “If you decide, for yourself, that you want to stay in the church, by all means, do. If you’re just staying there because you were raised in it, try learning about the options before you resign yourself to it.”

Kira thought then that she knew enough about the “options,” all of them different facets of the Darkness, while there was only the one Church of True Light. Now, however, she wondered how much she’d been taught by the church was correct, and how much was distorted.

At the close of her workday, Kira stopped a block short of the bus stop. She couldn’t face going home to dinner with her family, her betrothed, and his family. She looked at the card again. Anika had written her name with a swooping, swirling elegance.

Kira pulled out her phone, keyed in Anika’s number, then cleared it out. She called home, telling her mother she had to work late. Lies were not the worst sin, but she’d never told such a bald-faced lie like that. Her ears burned even as she disconnected the call.

She keyed in the number again, took a deep breath, then rang through.

“Hello?”

Kira let out the breath she hadn’t been aware she was holding. “A—Anika? This is Kira…from the coffee shop.”

“Hi, Kira! I’m glad you called.”

“Ca—can you meet me downtown somewhere? I don’t want to go home and —”

“Say no more. Water Sculpture Park? Thirty minutes?”

“Yeah…I mean, yes, I can meet you there.”

The walk took her ten minutes, and she found herself worrying about how she looked. She never worried about that with Jerad, even though the Book said women should always present their best to their mate.

After pacing for a few minutes, she forced herself to sit on one of the benches facing the fountains. She let the sparkle of late afternoon sun in the water clear her mind.

“Hey. Good to see you somewhere other than work.” Anika sat near her on the bench. She was still dressed as she did for work, in shorts and a tight shirt, but she was wearing more makeup, and her hair was down, falling in waves over her neck and shoulders.

The sight took Kira’s breath away. “Hi,” she managed to get out.

Anika smiled and Kira knew now that what she was feeling was indeed a sin. Darkness stood only half a step from stealing her soul.

“You’re probably wondering how I knew the greeting,” Anika said. “I was raised in the church, Confirmed at age twelve, just like you.”

“But you’re—”

“Near-blessed. Same as my folks. They grew up in the church, too, and were married off to each other.” Anika snorted. “They still live together, and are still married, if you call never speaking to each other marriage.”

“I’m sorry. That sounds horrible.”

“It was. Now, I’m on my own and don’t have to deal with them, since I’ve been excommunicated. According to the priests, Anika is dead, and I’m an agent of darkness taking her place. According to me, the priests, the Book, and the entire church are full of shit. …Sorry.”

Kira had trouble following what Anika was talking about. Her lips were dry, and she licked them. “Could I…hold your hand?”

Anika scooted closer and grabbed Kira’s hand. “I would very much like that.”

Kira gathered her courage. “I think…I might have…lust in my heart for you.”

Anika smiled. “It’s not the most cringe line I’ve ever heard, but I understand the church doesn’t give you the language to express what you’re feeling. I think you’re pretty hot, too.”

Kira let her body take over. She leaned close to Anika, until she felt her breath on her lips, and then kissed her. Her body felt more alive than ever, her heart racing, her skin tingling.

She pulled away. Tears rolled down her cheeks. She knew she was damned. “I—I’m sorry. I should go before the Light strikes me—”

Anika stopped her with a finger on her lips. “Don’t apologize. You did nothing wrong, and I liked it. If you haven’t figured it out yet, you’re not going to be struck down to death. The Light and the Darkness, along with Paradise and Torment are nothing more than myths meant to exert control.”

“But…it’s wrong! It’s darkness.”

“No. Being who you are is not wrong.” Anika lifted Kira’s chin to bring her gaze up to her own. “If being yourself is wrong, then you’re saying I’m wrong. Am I darkness to you?”

Kira shook her head. She wanted to tell Anika that she was the only real light she had in her life. She wanted to tell her that she couldn’t imagine a time that she’d never be able to see her again, just to be in her presence. All she could manage was, “No, not darkness.”

Anika held her as she sobbed in a mix of fear, relief, and the first real kind touch she’d ever experienced. When she’d caught her breath, and come up from the tempest of her emotion, she lay her head on Anika’s shoulder. “What do I do now?”

Anika wiped Kira’s tears with her thumb. “I see no ring, but you’re working, which means either you or your future husband aren’t yet twenty.”

“I—I’m twenty, he turns twenty in six months.”

“And what do you think of him?”

“He disgusts me.”

“Is he nasty?”

“No. I mean…he’s very clean and polite and goes out of his way to try to make me happy, but the thought of….”

“The thought of what? Kissing him? Sex?”

“Ugh. Any of that. Even hugging feels gross. He sighs and I can tell he’s getting excited, and it makes me want to puke.”

“The way I see it, you can either put your head in the sand, pretend none of this happened, and go back to a horrible life in the church making chosen babies with the man that disgusts you, or….”

“Or?”

“You go home, tell your parents you’re gay, and you’re not going to marry him.”

“But they’ll kick me out…and the church…I don’t know….” Kira shivered.

“I’ve been there.” Anika held her tighter. “I’ve been exactly where you are now. You should pack your bags before you say anything. Just what you need and can carry. You can stay at my place tonight — on the couch. As much as I’d want to do more, we should get to know each other better first. Tomorrow, I’ll help you get a spot in the shelter for the short term, and then help you find your own place.”

“So, just go pack, and say, ‘Hey Mom and Dad, I’m gay?’”

“That’s pretty much how it went for me, only I had to do it twice, since they’re never in the same room together.” Anika sighed. “Well, that, plus a lot of screaming.”

“Ca—can you come with me?”

Anika nodded. “I can provide moral support. I won’t say a word, though, unless you ask me to.”

Kira felt as though she’d just stepped off a cliff and had no idea where she would land. “I’m really scared, but if I don’t do it tonight, I’ll never be able to. Let’s go catch the bus.”

Anika held up a set of keys. “I’ll drive, instead.”

Jerad and his parents were still there when they pulled up. Kira led Anika to her room without saying anything to anyone and packed in a frenzy. Anika helped where she could, reminding her to take deep breaths and find her calm center.

When they walked together into the dining room, Kira’s mother said, “Is this someone from work? Are you ministering to the near-blessed to bring them into the Light?”

Kira took a deep breath. “Mom, Dad, I have something to say. Jerad, you’re a very nice man and will probably make a good husband for someone…just not me. I don’t like men, I like women. I’m…gay.”

The screaming and accusations began immediately, with everyone piling on Anika as being an agent of Darkness, corrupting the poor chosen girl. For her part, Anika kept a neutral expression apart from a raised eyebrow.

Kira couldn’t take the screaming any longer. “Shut up!”

When she had everyone’s attention she said, “Anika is not an agent of Darkness. She didn’t corrupt me. I’m just the way I am. If you can’t deal with that, too bad.”

Shadows fell across her father’s eyes as his brow furrowed. “Get out of this house and never come back. The Light will smite you dead, but you are already dead to us.”

She spent six weeks in the shelter before she had enough saved up to rent her own place. Without the church taking most of her income, she could afford to live close to work, but she chose to live close to the bus depot, where she could get her morning coffee from Anika.

In the months that followed, she began to really listen to her coworkers. She found out that some of them were members of other faiths and were happy to explain what those faiths were about. One of her coworkers said he used to belong to a cult, and talked about how difficult it was to adjust to life outside of it.

The more Kira talked to him, and the more time she spent with Anika, the more she felt called to do something to help others. She began spending her evenings online talking to others in a similar situation. She found a group that had regular meetings in several cities, but not hers. She called around to counselors in the area, until she found someone willing to help.

Kira called Anika. “Hey, An, you have plans for this evening?”

“Not unless you want to take me out somewhere.”

“That’s good. It’s not exactly romantic, but it’s important to me and I’d like you to be there.”

Anika chuckled on the other end. “That’s all you had to say, lady. It’s a date. Fancy? What time should I pick you up?”

“Casual. I’ll text you an address. If you could just meet me here at six-thirty, that would work. I’ll pay for a late dinner after.”

“See you then.”

Kira put her phone away and checked the room again. “Dr. Park, do you think we need more chairs? Or maybe fewer chairs? Are the coffee and cookies all right or is that too much?”

“I told you, Kira, just call me Da-Eun.” The counselor laughed. “Relax. This is the same setup we use for the twelve-step programs, and what you’re doing is not that different.”

People began to trickle in, one and two at a time. They grabbed coffee, cookies, and began talking amongst themselves. Kira became more nervous as six-thirty approached, until Anika walked in and made a beeline for her.

Anika hugged her and gave her a kiss. “Hey, Sweetie. Oh! Am I not supposed to do that here?”

Kira pulled Anika in and squeezed her. “It’s fine. I’m glad you’re here.”

Da-Eun spoke up loud enough for everyone to hear. “Good evening, everyone. If you’ll take a seat, we can begin.”

After everyone was settled, she said, “Welcome to the first meeting — in this city, at least — of Life After Religion. Let’s all give a big thank-you to Kira, who you may know as ‘NoMoreFakeLight’ online, who made this possible.”

Kira felt a swell of pride, but it wasn’t dark or sinful or anything of the sort. She’d worked hard to make this night happen, and she deserved to be proud of her accomplishment. “Thanks. I’m just glad we can all meet up like this and really get to know each other.”

Da-Eun smiled. “I’m here as an advisor, and a sounding board, but this meeting belongs to all of you. Kira, why don’t you kick it off?”

Kira rose. “Let’s start with introductions. My name’s Kira, and I left the Church of True Light eleven months ago. Being a lesbian doesn’t make me evil or dark. It’s just who I am.”

Kira sat and Anika squeezed her hand before standing.

“Hi. I’m Anika….”