Imagine you are with whom you assume is the love of your life

Imagine you are with whom you assume is the love of your life, then imagine finding out your love has been having an affair for over a year now. You find out that your stage of Darkness and despair made them feel as if you were complacent in your cocoon of sadness. Also, on top of that, you find that you are living in the torment of an undiagnosed mental illness, an illness you seem to have had from young adulthood, and it had never been treated as what turned out to be bipolar disorder. Discovering at the same time that the safety of your existence is an illusion you have failed to realize you were trapped in. I had built almost a cocoon for protection, which my ex used to keep me safe, supposedly. When I discovered the affair that he told me about, I felt so unlovable and so unworthy of existing in this world, just a burden on life itself. 

When you are in the middle of what I have come to understand is a manic episode, you will go to the depths of your feelings and then have them become overwhelmingly by a factor of ten at least. You will agree to many different things; in my instance, I became very hypersexual and agreed to many Sexual acts that I feel if I had been in my right mind or more control of my emotions, I might have had second thoughts about including a brief Fourier into the world of DBSM, given the fact that my ex claimed to be into "BDSM" and as a very passive person, all of a sudden wanting to consider himself a Dom, should have been a red flag for me to see something was wrong. Within this time, I went deep enough into the Darkness and tried to hurt myself and then wound up in a mental hospital; I mean, after this, how much further could I fall?

Discovering that I was strong enough to scream for help and realizing that I did not want to die was almost an unusual feeling to find within myself. Hitting bottom is a feeling I would not wish on anyone, including my EX; imagine feeling like you are falling into a tar-like cloud of Darkness where the only thing you would be able to see is a small glimmer of light that is taunting you with hope.

Surviving the dark tar cloud is challenging; however, it is not impossible with enough faith and strength to find the will to want to live. In my particular situation, what I saw from climbing out of this Darkness Was that I wanted more from what I accepted from life and finally realized I deserved it. One of the few things I will thank my ex-husband for is finding me a clinic where I could get intense therapy. I've started working on clearing out the Darkness and learning to keep it under control. The thing I find in being a person who has a mental illness is that you cannot hide from it. You cannot consider it the unspoken monster. You must almost come to some agreement to coexist as a whale and create peace within the chaos of our minds.

The funning thing about a mental illness is that during the turmoil of your mind, you question everything about what you're going through. You start to realize that your brain is almost tricking you into rationalizing the events that have happened to you. Thanks to lots of therapy, I learned that when these intrusive thoughts start to rear their ugly head, what you need to do is take the time to document them, talk to the right person about them, and realize that, in some cases, what you're experiencing is the form of anxiety. The team deals with aspects of depression that are creating a false narrative in your mind. Otherwise, if you were well, you would not exist.

I felt so much shame for what was happening to me; I felt so Lost, So sad. However, life started to turn around once I worked with a therapist and a psychiatrist who got me on the correct medication. For so many, the stigma of the need for medication can bring almost a level of shame; however, what so many do not understand is that this is a tool that could be used to help with mental health. I was one of the lucky ones because of the medication combination I started experiencing. An almost overwhelming calmness overcame me, and I hadn't felt like this in years, if ever. I realized that. I'm not the wrong person. I am not a sick person. I'm just a person whose brain works a little bit differently. I need a little assistance to ensure I don't let it. Overload

All of that being the case. I tried my best to save my marriage, but I realized that no matter how much I felt I needed to honor my wedding vows and fight, I was fighting a losing battle for a life that no longer wanted me. My ex, in my view, chose to throw me away as if I were trash in my view. I had to get to the point where I stopped begging for his attention, finally realizing we were at two different points in our lives, and I had not seen the divide from my perspective, and he was too afraid to say so.

 This is probably why I started to like myself and get to know who I was and what I finally wanted. Now, at 52, I am happier than I was in years. I now have gotten to the point I have found. A new love also: I will be a stepdad, which is exciting for someone who has always wanted children. I am now focused on a career in the mental health field and starting a side business designing hats. I've gotten to the point where I realized that while there's a part of me that will always love him and there's a part of me that's always going to care for him, there's also that realization that I could never trust him. But that's part of the journey I have not finished going through, and I need to remember to focus on myself. I must finally put myself first and realize I am worth it. I don't have to wait for someone else's approval. I don't have to wait for acknowledgment from someone. I have to believe in myself and love myself. No, to keep going and. I do