Something New....

"It's time for something new!" Wolfie said to himself. He was sitting in his man cave, located in the back of his ageing parents' even older house. Wolfgang Ludwig Einsteiner was his mother's change of life baby, the one and only heir to the non-existent throne.

The wrinklies' old adobe hacienda stood there in an apathetic, overgrown garden down by the boondocks of an old man river. This water course divided the slow town into the Could Have Beens, and the Toffs.

Wolfie Einsteiner was one the Could Have Beens. Once his mother and father had been young. There were honeymoon photos still proudly displayed on the mantel. It was hard to believe, but his mum had once looked like Malibu Barbie, in a fetching bikini, carrying a crocheted beach bag.

Wolfie's dad had once had a full head of hair, a washboard stomach, and muscly legs. They had been sort of Mattel. Now, Wolfie was getting mature himself. His Mum had a baby belly still, with varicose veins, grey hair, and a hacking cough. Both his olds had been targeted by the Marlboro man.

His father awoke, never emerged from his pyjamas these days, and sat in his antique arm chair, which had taken his shape. No more abs for Wolfie's father, he was bloated, obese, fungal toenails, with a few strands of grey hair. He only spoke to complain or yell at his wife or Wolfie. He was not exactly father of the year.

Wolfie's mum spent most of her days cooking vast slabs of stodgy food, laden with butter and pounds of grated cheese. Wolfie Einsteiner could feel the flab piling on. He had tried to teach his mother to drive the family car, but she never quite mastered simple motoring. So Wolfie and his mum made regular trips to the supermarket for more dinner ingredients.

Wolfie decided he was now at least 15 kg fatter than when he had turned 21 years old. Daily now, he set his alarm, waking up with the larks. He went jogging down by the riverside, pounding along, pushing himself past the local landmarks. He took up weight lifting at home, wondering if he would ever reach his potential.

"What are you, Hulk Hogan?" his father grumped. Wolfie tried not to rise to the bait. Bullying was the bully's problem, not his. His father was rude and ignorant, like most control freaks. As yet, no woman had made Wolfie a husband or father. He was hoping he would not repeat his parents' dysfunction.

After consuming yet another casserole with grated cheese, all true comfort food, Wolfie went to his invention center. A little light had switched on, somewhere in his brain. "Something New!" Wolfie would reinvent food preparation and handling. He googled, and then tinkered with bits of digital devices.

Wolfie Einsteiner's parents were absolutely amazed by their junior's invention. No more did his mother have to slave over a cooktop. No more would his father and Wolfie be verging on Type 2 Diabetes potential. Voila! Wolfie had improved his father's television remote with state-of-the-art innovation.

His dad had nothing to complain about, he loved pressing everyone's buttons. On the television base, Wolfie had created a food dispensary, specializing in Paleo and weight reducing healthy recipes, prepped by invisible microwaves.

But his father was really only happy being miserable. He could now press button #A for what he called Vom A--steamed chicken and broccoli. Button #B produced vegan fat free Spag. Bol. Button #3 dialed up Vom C, as it was soon labeled by his parents. Delish!

Wolfie refused to get to the store anymore. He took over the food ordering of supplies with one large regular online shopping order. With the new food intake, jogging and weight lifting. Wolfie did start to resemble Hulk Hogan. He was a persevering type of guy. He did clever things, inventing "Something New!"

Wolfie's vom food dispensary quickly became a great food trend. Middle aged people, especially the ageing, could sit in their armchairs and press the TV remote for meals and beverages. The drinks were titled, Happy Coffee, and Happy Tea, available from the dispensary in the modern world.

Wolfie firmly believed that everyone was accountable for living in the 21st Century. So he took off to New York. At the International Invention Convention, he was the 'in' guy. Women flocked to his new physique.and bank balance.

Wolfie was still an overgrown Oedipus, but he kept up his calm appearance. He definitely had a unique, innovative approach to food handling. He invented 'salt coffee', to sober up drunks like his father. "Salt coffee' was quickly adopted worldwide by AA, and contained Wolfie's interesting perspective on blending brine and caffeine. It acted a short term remedy for drunks, sort of repulsion therapy. Wolfie's psychologist agreed that his father had been an unconventional teacher and mentor.

"Ka-ching!' Yes, all the chicks really loved Wolfie Einsteiner, instant attraction. But he chose his wife wisely, soon his zygotes arrived. loved and cherished. But not too fat. Accolades flowed, so he opened his own chain of three hat restaurants, touch screen food dispensers, prepped by his revolutionary invisible microwaves.

It was not rocket science, not to Wolfie. His cafe franchises had one theme, based on "Fifty ways to eat a football." The premise was to boil some footballs and the mud from the playing field, for seven hours, in vast vats. Then the softened footballs were served in a variety of soups, entrees, mains and desserts, all available from the dispensary. Very popular, if chewy. The football juices were strained, and offered as a very popular cocktail, Jus de Football.

It was a bitter drink, that cup of despair. Wolfie had cleverly capitalized on the common general knowledge that God only made football to make men like his father enjoy being miserable. Football fans from every code of football worldwide could not get enough of these recipes.

Wolfie had a mansion, a lovely bride, and good looking, healthy children. His recipe books were the most popular in the world, with all his nouvelle Wolfie cuisine, so minimal, so easy. It was a brand new age in healthy living. He was now one of the much admired toffs. So, Wolfie had finally made the grade. He had invented "Something New!"