"I'm Sorry..."

I sat there, my leg bouncing up and down furiously, as I waited to be called. I was anxious, so anxious anyone within a 10 mile radius could tell. All that came to my mind in this moment was the thought about being a spy, how I wouldn’t last a day. Better yet, I wouldn’t have even been recruited. The sweat dripping down my forehead, the uneasy bouncing of my leg, my heavy breathing, and if anyone chose to talk to me, my stammering words would give me away in a moment's notice. Anyone would be able to tell I didn’t belong here, but the thing is, I did. 

I had been patiently waiting my turn to speak to a therapist. It was my fault for coming with such short notice. I had woken up not one hour and immediately walked into the first center from the first pampleth I grabbed. They were stacks of them scattered on my living room table. It had been months that my children and even my soon to be ex-wife had begged me to come talk to a specialist, someone to help me get better. It had been months that I had avoided anything and just blocked them out, going so far as to even kick them out. Kick out the only people who cared about me, but now they have stopped. 

One day, there was just silence, not the still quietness I’ve only felt once before- but the silence that breaks your heart, the one that lets you know you had been the cause and effect of the situation you find yourself in. The quietness that although you have the tv playing static and you're stereo on full blast to a song you never heard, it's still so quiet. I had driven them away and they had let me stay away. 

“Mr. Detron?” 

I looked up to see the brownest eyes I had ever seen. In contrast, my Evelin had the lightest ones. “Yes,” I try to say strongly but my voice quivers and all that comes out is a squeak as if I was a mouse and she was the trap I didn’t even see. She gives me a warm sympathetic smile and nods me up. I clear my throat and follow as she guides me down the narrow hall. This wasn’t a place that seemed scary, yet it instilled fear in me. There were motivational quotes all around, even the one with a cat hanging from a tree saying hang in there. I couldn't help the small smile that appeared but it vanished as soon as we reached a glazed brown door with the name, Mr. Quinten. 

The women knocked at the door and turned with a smile to me as we waited for a response. I noticed she had a clipboard in hand and a headset, she must be the secretary I deducted. “Misty,” she tells me. 

“Huh?” I look up. 

“My name tag, it says Hello I’m Misty.”

“Oh,” is all I can manage. I had been so concentrated on her wedding ring that I had blocked everything else out. “I’m sorry- I was actually distracted by your ring, I gave my wife a similar one when we got married about 15 years ago.” I seemed to have left the almost ex part out, a fact that I wanted to forget as well. 

“15 years. Wow. I hope my husband and I will last that long.”

“Don’t. Last longer.” She gives me a smile.

“Come in,” we hear the ominous voice speak from inside. Misty gives me a last smile before looking away a bit uneasy. 

I could tell she had something in her mind, “ask what you want to ask Misty.” 

She looks hesitantly at me before speaking, “I was just wondering why you said to last longer.”

“Because she’s marrying someone else now.” 

“Can I ask what happened?” Her questions seemed to sullen her personality as she remembered where she worked. In a therapy office, where one came to talk to work through some problems.  

I give her a sad smile as I push open the doors, with one last look at her I respond, “because I fucked up.” 

The door closes and I’m looking at a normal height African American, muscular, and with very short hair. His hazel eyes pierced into mine, trying to figure me out with one look. He gives me a wide smile before reaching across his desk, “Welcome, I’m Alex Quinten.”  

“I’m- I’m-” he looks at me with a raised eyebrow, “Nicolas Detron.” I shake his hand as he nods at me. Why don’t we have a seat over here. He guides me to a round table with two chairs and sits next to me as I start to fiddle with my hands. I could hear my heart beat and looked up, wondering if he could hear it as well. 

“Misty is amazing isn’t she,” he tries to lighten the mood. 

“Yeah- she was very nice to me.” 

“Yeah, really pretty too wouldn’t you say.” 

I clear my throat, “I hadn’t really taken notice.” He looks at me and stays silent. I take a deep breath and ask, “how is this supposed to work?”

“You can talk when you're ready, I’m just here to listen.” He can sense my hesitation and adds, “Or if you like- I can ask you a few questions and we can figure out what you want to say together?” I simply nod. “Okay- how about you tell me why you're here?” 

My knees bounce up and down furiously, “I- I- I don’t think I’m strong enough to stop myself from craving them or control myself from taking them.” 

“Taking what?” I knew he knew. It was the first thing I had told Misty when I frantically walked in here. Yelling, pleading to her to help me because I wasn’t strong enough to help myself. Asking her if she could take away my need to take pills, to do drugs. They had ruined everything for me, taking my whole life with them but yet- I couldn’t stop. 

“Drugs. I had tried before but I never could stay away for that long. At this point, I’m not even sure it’s in me to stop.” 

“Okay-” he stays silent as he writes something down on his clipboard. “Let’s go back to the last moment you decided to give yourself another chance, shall we.” 

I nod my head and close my eyes as I try to remember that night. “I had died.” If I had opened my eyes, I would have seen him fixed on me, but I didn’t. I could feel myself being transported to that exact moment, and when I open my eyes, I’m there.        

It was around 4 in the morning, the water was freezing cold. No one insight, everyone completely subdued in their own dreams. But this was my reality. I was floating in the apartment pool. A needle on the concrete floor, near the staircase and bottles of empty tequila laid near the trashcan from all my failed attempts at throwing them away. 

I laughed a little at the thought of how the paramedics would ask me what I took, and I would be able to say it was either nothing or it was filled with an unknown substance. I didn’t know what it contained, all I knew is that it cost me 50 bucks for just a small high. However, I didn’t care. I had spent more on random drugs just to remember the feel of euphoria for a few seconds. 

I could feel myself drifting into an unfamiliar sleep, all of my senses num except my mind seemed to be working overtime to make up for the loss. I could sense myself floating further into the center of the pool, my ears barely audible, but I can still make out the noise of the water. The water engulfs me in a big hug, making me warm. So warm and comfortable, that my eyes droop down until they shut on their own. My breathing is as calm as the water, going to the rhythm of the small ripples, in contrast to my erratic heartbeat that beats like a fast drum solo. How could my mind let me fall asleep with my heart pounding in my chest? 

The silent night was interrupted by flashing bright lights, a high pitched sound pierced through it like a lightning bolt. The water erupts in multiple waves as bodies enter and pull me out. They lay me on the concrete and I can feel the faintest touch checking for a heartbeat that wasn’t there. “We have the body, performing CPR now.” A paramedic starts compressions on my chest, but nothing happens. 

“Found a needle and a couple of bottles. Seems to me he was nothing more than a junkie,” a police officer speaks up. Nothing more than a junkie, the words hit me but I was unable to feel. The paramedic on me hadn’t given up yet as the officer kept talking. “Who called this in anyway?” 

“The apartment manager. Said they were getting ready for work and saw something lifeless in the water. Immediately dialed us to see.” 

“You gotta call it,” one of the other paramedics tells the guy performing CPR. 

“I can’t.” 

“I know it’s your first day but sometimes, people can’t be saved no matter how hard your try. You’ve been doing this for five minutes and with no response. You’re just hurting yourself now.” 

“Okay,” the compressions stopped. “Time of death, 5:15AM.”

“Noooo,” I blink as I look at the therapist in front of me. The fresh tears stained my shirt as I looked down at the floor. My hands moved up to my face, covering it as I mumbled, “I’m so sorry Evelin. I’m so sorry I wasn’t better for you or the kids.” 

“Don’t be too hard on yourself,” he tells me. My eyes darted to him with flashes of anger. 

“How can I not be, I had died and by some miracle I lived. I didn’t deserve to live, I didn’t deserve to have this opportunity at life again.” 

“It was indeed a miracle, that gave you another chance. A chance for you to start fresh and be the person you always wanted to be. The one that’s there for his family.” 

“No. It’s too late for that.” 

“It’s never too late,” he tells me. 

“My wife’s getting married again, with someone that’s not me. I’d say it’s too late.” 

He gives me a nod, “maybe for your marriage but maybe not for your kids.” 

I nod at him as I look at my phone. “Can you excuse me for a moment?” 

“Of course. We still have 20 minutes left and this is to help you.”

I give him a smile as I step out and press the dial on my phone. “Hello, Mark speaking.” 

“Hey Mark, it’s Nicolas.” 

“Nicolas? Hold on, I’ll get Evelyn.” 

“Thank you Mark.” I hear him yell out Eelyns name and the phone is quiet before I hear her soft sweet like honey voice come through. 

“Nicolas?” 

“Evelyn. I’m so sorry sweetheart.” 

I can tell she’s taken aback, I had never apologized before, after all the damage it still felt like it wasn’t enough. “Nicolas. Are you alright?”

“I will be.” 

“What does that mean?” 

“I’m getting help Evelyn. I want to be there for you and the kids. I’m trying to get myself another shot” I stop, “do you think we could start again?” 

“As husband and wife, I’m afraid we can’t. Maybe friends but no matter what, you will always be the father of my children and my first love but I also need a second chance at life with someone who hasn’t hurt me as much. I hope you understand.” 

“I do,” I tell her because as much as it hurt to know our chapter was closed, I really did understand her. I had put her through so much and now only wanted the best, even if that meant giving up on her. “Do you think one day you’ll be able to forgive me?” 

“I do,” she tells me, “I just hope you keep getting help.” 

“I promise you I will Evelyn.” 

“That’s great Nicolas. If you're up for it, we’d love it if you join us for Stacy’s birthday dinner in 2 weeks.” 

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world. Goodbye Evelyn, tell the kids I said hi.”

“Goodbye Nick,” with that she hangs up the phone. I walk back into the office and look at Alex. 

“So what’s next Mr. Quinten?” 

He cocks up an eyebrow at me. “Let’s schedule your next session, shall we?” I give him a nod as I take a seat in front of him, more determined than all the times before. I was going to do better and be better.