Snail Mail Sets Sail

The door to 3500 Business Drive Suite E chimed as the mail carrier came striding in, sweating from the record-breaking summer heat and humming “Woke Up This Morning” by A3. 

“Hot one today, Mary,” he said, setting a small stack of mail on the office manager’s desk. 

“Would you like a bottle of water?” Mary asked. 

He sighed, getting temporary relief from his fatigue and weariness. “You’re a lifesaver.” 

She reached into the mini fridge under her desk and pulled out a frosted plastic water bottle then she reached into her candy dish, selected a red Lifesaver, and handed it to the mail carrier along with the water.

Taking both, he smiled and took a long swig of the ice cold water and it seemed to revive him. “Have a great day!” The door chimed again as he marched out to make his next delivery. 

As Mary weeded through the stack, pulling out advertisements and flyers addressed to Salazar’s Luxury Yachts and tossing them in the trash, she separated four identical, personally-addressed, envelopes and stacked them neatly on her tchotchke-cluttered desk. She placed the one addressed to her on her keyboard and didn’t even wonder what they might be because that is not in her job description. She just delivered them to each person with her signature toothy smile and sat back at her desk, waiting for the phone to ring. 

An hour crept by and a notification popped up on Mary’s family photo-framed computer monitor showing that four employees and the head of the company posted their letters on the company’s corporate social media page:

Dear Mr. Salazar, 

I am writing to thank you, in very small words that you can understand, for employing me at your “business” for the last 10 years. With that said, please consider this my letter of resignation, effective immediately. I will always look back on my time laboring under your abysmal leadership with regretful resentment and can say with confidence that I won’t miss all the time I spent doing nothing because nobody wants to buy a luxury yacht from someone who sounds like a used car salesman and can’t do simple math without a calculator. I will always remember the time you roared at me in front of our best clients because you misplaced the keys to Serendipity and somehow landed on the inference that I was at fault. I wish you luck with running your yachts aground without me there to dig them out.

Insincerely, 

John 

Dear Devin, 

Thank you for personally ensuring that I never have a moment of mental peace for the rest of my life. While I will always love you, I will never forgive you. I won’t be taking legal action since you’ve made it impossible to do so without implicating myself, which I don’t doubt was part of your plan, but I will be looking forward to the day when karma comes around to redeem your twisted soul. You’re welcome.  

I have to admit, though, that I couldn’t have done it without your help. However, your methods were so diabolical and cunning that I regret ever asking for this unspeakable favor. You have robbed me of a good night’s sleep for the foreseeable future. I am aware of the old adage that beggars can’t be choosers but you didn’t have to be so gruesome and cruel. I will always remember how you helped me but I won’t be able to forget how you did it. 

Ambivalently, John 

Dear Laura, 

I want to extend my deepest gratitude toward you, and you alone. Your friendship made working at Salazar’s slightly tolerable. I owe you my life. We are, quite literally, partners in crime and our secret joy rides were the reason why I tolerated the pure perversity of this establishment for such an extended period of time. My only regret is that our last ride included Devin and ended on such a dark note. I will take our secret to the grave. You gave me the keys to freedom and I will forever be in your debt. 

 Burn After Reading, John 

Dear Mary,

I could say a lot but, to protect you, I will only say that I wholeheartedly appreciate your assistance in the office. I could not have sold so many rentals without your incredible administration skills. Your bold ideas gave me the courage to get my life back and your unmatched planning skills made it possible. I am eternally grateful to you and wish you the very best in everything you choose to do and everywhere you choose to go after this is all over. I hope you give me a call when you get there. 

With Plausible Deniability, John 

Mary took a swig from her decorated tumbler and sighed. Something had been weighing heavily on her heart for the last week. She reached under her desk and pulled out her purse. Rummaging through it, she pulled out a key, one of only two copies. She got up from her desk and walked into the back office, using the key to open a safe hidden in a cabinet labeled “safe”. She took out the blue bag full of the week’s cash transactions and shoved it into her purse, standard procedure for dropping it off at the bank like she does every Friday. She got into her car and pulled out of the parking lot. Instead of taking the usual left turn to the bank, she took a right and merged onto the freeway. The first sign she saw said “Mexico: 510 miles” and then she knew for sure she was going in the right direction. She only stopped once on the side of the road to keep Mr. Salazar’s body from rolling around in the back of her SUV. 

A few weeks later John’s mail carrier popped a letter in his mailbox and continued on her route, humming “Who Are You?” by The Who.. 

Dear John,

I’m swimming in margaritas and salsa! Our problem is solved and I am sending this from my new address. I hope you can afford Lyla’s infusions now that 40 percent of your earnings aren’t going into Mr. Salazar’s slimy pockets. I still can’t believe he was callous enough to threaten you after you asked him for a raise. I’m glad he never got the chance to fire you and I heard your resignation letter went over well. 

Thanks for the new car! After I gave Mr. S a ride home from our excursion on the Serendipity, the old SUV smelled like a fish market and I needed one with fewer memories attached to it. It was so kind of you to wire me the funds for a new one. We should have left Mr. S on the boat like I suggested but Devin was right, unfortunately, taking him in Mexico was a better idea. Oops, I may have said too much! I hope Laura found a good cleaning crew to get all of the wine stains out of Serendipity’s carpet. How are the others? I hope they’re long gone by now.   

The sunsets are so beautiful here that they almost make me forget everything back in California. I hope you’ll visit me someday, John. I would love to see you and Lyla. Keep me posted on her health. I’ll be praying for your family! 

Adios! Mary