F I R S T T I M E M O M M Y J O U R N A L

June 12, 2020

I hope this finds you well, everything is packed, we are almost ready to go. Baby’s room is ready, now we are just waiting for her.

I am scheduled for a C-Section later today, so we are leaving soon to go and get settled in.

I must tell you; I am a little nervous, first time mom and everything; it is really starting to get overwhelming the closer we get to delivery time. I am sure I will be fine though, there are hundreds and thousands of other women who has gone through this; I will be fine.

***

We are at the hospital now, been checked in and everything is filled and filed. It all seems so real now.

Well, I am glad that I brought you with – hubby went to get something to eat; wow I am hungry too, come to think of it now.

Time is passing slowly.

Eventually, IV and anesthesia was given, as well as an pain-block.

I was washed with antiseptic solution, the shaving I had done at home.

“Almost there, almost”, I kept on telling myself, I was so nervous and overwhelmed, scared; I was really scared.

***

Late afternoon:

The most beautiful little girl was delivered, it was over quickly – luckily, I got a glimpse of her being taken out; I am so grateful that she is well and crying, and that everything went well.

She is sound asleep; I cannot stop looking at her; dad is so proud; I am so afraid he is going to burst!

I want to go home; I just want to take our baby girl home; but I will have to stay here for a while.

June 17, 2020

Home, at last.

I have been spending as much time in the hospital with little Isabella as possible.

I had so much pain, and still do. I just want to start caring for my child without needing someone with me the entire time.

I never wanted a C-section, but due to medical reasons; we had no choice.

I am so tired.

I cannot sleep.

Isabella needs to be fed and cared for, and I do not mind doing it; at all. I just wish I could have been up and going already.

                                     I spent most my days in the bed, Isabella next to me. My mom and mother in law have been of such help. Daniel had to go back to work, and he needs to eat when he comes home.

I feel so helpless.

I have been feeling like a failure since I came back from the hospital.

I know it will pass; I just wish it would soon.

***

June 18, 2020

Everyday is a little better than the previous, it is still early days; but I can feel that I will get there eventually. My mind is still messing around with me, I feel miserable, sad; my emotions are so heightened.

I have started forcing myself to get up and walk around the house, I put Isabella in her pram and we’d go for a little walk, I just need to get back into some sort of routine.

She sleeps most of the time, I try to catch up on some myself; but it is not that easy, I am a new mom, so I am still a little nervous about sleeping while she does. I will when there is someone else around.

I really did not think I had so many emotions, and tears; mostly tears.

Maybe I will feel better when I have recovered completely.

I am also so grateful that Isabella drinks from me, I was so afraid that she would not; or that I would not have been able to feed her.

***

June 19, 2020

Today was a different day.

Isabella and I was alone. She was so difficult.

She would not feed.

She would not sleep for long.

I could not get her to stop crying.

I tried everything I could, everything I knew; but nothing worked.

It was all very disheartening. I felt like I had failed at parenting.

I know I have not, it just feels that way.

I called my mom to come and help, and felt so bad for doing it, for not being able to cope by myself.

I know it will blow over, and it will get better.

I know it will.

Eventually she fell asleep after we managed to feed her.

My breasts are so sore, but I do not want to give her milk from the bottle yet. I really want her to drink from me for as long as she is supposed to.

Daniel let me sleep for a while when he got home, and now he is fast asleep next to me.

Everything is upside down. When he sleeps, I am awake and visa versa.

I am always busy when he gets home. Quality time does not exist for us anymore.

I am sure that will also go back to normal.

***

June 20, 2020

It seems the older she gets, the more difficult she gets.

Feeding her is hard, my breast cannot take it anymore, but I do not want to pump milk either.

She is not sleeping as much; our nights are noticeably short.

I am exhausted, drained.

I knew it was going to be hard, but not this hard.

Daniel tries to help where and whenever he can. When he is home, he really helps me a lot.

***

June 21, 2020

Today I forced myself to do more, be more productive.

It hurt like hell; but I just kept going; this was the only way that I was going to get out of this hole that I am in.

Daniel found it rather strange.

“Are you feeling alright honey – do you have fever?”

I was a bit thrown by his remark, but thought it was expected afterwards.

I hope I can keep this up, it can only get better then.

I am exhausted from trying to be supermom.

Isabella was amazingly comfortable today.

I put her in her rocking - bouncing chair with her melody while I was trying to clean up a little. She fell asleep without any hassle. I was such a proud mommy.

***

June 24, 2020

I have not been able to jot down the last three days.

Isabella was running a fever, and I was terrified. I did not know what to do. We took her to the doctor, got some meds; so, she is getting better.

Parenthood is beautiful, but it is no easy task.

The older she gets, the harder it gets, they say it gets better once they sleep for longer and feed less, when they become a little less dependent on you than they are at this stage we are at.

I do not know if I want her to become less dependent on me.

I know she will always need me; it just feels as if though time is flying by, and through all the running around and exhaustion, I do not really have much time with her.

***

June 25, 2020

Today was not so great for me.

I was having a hard time managing things, my wound was hurting a lot today; it may have had something to do with the extra cold weather.

Isabella was cranky; probably also to do with the weather.

It was miserable outside, and so were we.

She is such a sweet and lovely baby; she is not uncontrollably difficult; I think she is a pretty normal baby.

I love her. Oh, I love her so much.

I cannot imagine my life without her.

This is the best thing that could have happened to us.

I know every day is not sunshine and roses, but I would not give it up or have it any differently.

She is mine; she is ours; and I am so grateful.

The joy she brings is worth every scar, every minute without sleep, it is just worth it all.

***