When Love Becomes a Nightmare

What happened?

The sound of rain gently tapping against her window woke Aria, but the sensation within her was what really reflected the storm. The world seemed to hold its breath every morning, waiting for something to break—waiting for the moment when everything would fall apart. The relentless weight of the same question had chiseled away every inch of her heart: Why wasn’t she enough?

This is not how it was intended to be. She had always thought of love as something distinct, something complete, something that made you entire. She knew better now, though. For her, love had turned into an open wound that would never heal, no matter how hard she tried. And the one responsible for creating this gap.

She had been pursuing a shadow in the dark for so long, thinking that if she loved him enough, he would eventually come around and pick her. But now that she’d waited so long and cried so much, she knew it would never happen.

It was the most difficult reality to comprehend, and each time it came up, it felt like a thousand ice crystals piercing her chest. He was everything, no matter how badly he broke and tore her apart. She would burn the universe down if it meant he realized how much of herself she had given and how tightly her heart was connected to his. 

Today, Aria sensed that something was coming to an end. It might have been the rain. Perhaps it was the way the world appeared to be precariously balanced between brightness and shadow. She was unaware. She was aware, however, that her life and her heart had turned into a catastrophe waiting to happen. It seemed as though the cosmos itself had abandoned her, mocking her and urging her to hold onto her hope despite the fact that nothing would ever change.

Aria nearly yearned for the end of the world at that very moment.

Because it was no longer important. If every moment seemed like a thousand years of drowning in the silence around her, what was the point of life? The quiet Lucas had spoken, the quiet of never being sufficient.

A part of her wondered: What if the end of the world was a gift? What would happen if the earth were to fall apart, be destroyed by fire, be engulfed by seas, or be ripped apart by seismic activity? What if all that had hurt her, everything she had known, simply stopped?

Would she give a damn? Would loving him cause her as much pain as it already did? Or would it be like a breath of fresh air after drowning, an escape?

Aria wanted to scream so loudly that everyone would hear her misery. To rip down the barriers surrounding her, to release the pain. She felt a great, suffocating weight of sadness resting on her chest. She didn’t find the thought of the world ending frightening because it seemed like the most sensible course of action.

Because she wouldn’t have to battle anymore, at least. She wouldn’t have to question whether he would return at all. She would no longer need to question whether he could ever love her as much as she had loved him. She would finally be able to quit acting, and it would all be done.

It resembled a wound that had been ignored for years and that only she had discovered. Even if she had loved Lucas deeply and completely, it wasn’t enough to make a difference. He hadn’t even realized that she had given him everything—her time, her thoughts, her heart, and her soul.

She finally recognized that she was still clinging to something that was never meant for her after all this time and the days she had spent waiting and hoping. She was praying for a dream that would always remain a dream.

There was no longer any reason to wait. If this was the way life felt, what was the point?

Perhaps, just perhaps, she could give up hope if only the world would end. Perhaps everything coming to an end would provide her with the tranquility she so desperately needed, the ultimate release from the agony that had been gnawing at her for so long.

Then the message arrived.

It was short. “Can we talk, Aria?”

Her heart stopped. That one line contained every shred of optimism and anguish. Aria was momentarily torn between laughing and crying. Building walls and persuading herself that she could live without him had taken up so much of her time. Now, though? He was extending his hand now. She was being asked to speak by the same person who had ripped her apart with his lack of concern. Aria found it difficult to choose between the possibility that he might return and the possibility that he wouldn’t.

Her thoughts begged her to be strong, to defend herself, to resist. However, her heart was already begging for the one thing it would never have—on its knees.

since she was aware. She knew in her heart that she would allow him to ruin her once more if he returned. She would allow him to re-enter the circle of hopelessness and misery. Because life without him was an intolerable option, she would repeatedly allow him to break her.

She had always been aware of the dangers of her love for Lucas. However, its all-consuming nature was the issue, not its threat. She was powerless to stop herself. Even if it meant losing herself, she was unable to stop loving him. And she didn’t want to in any twisted, shattered way. Even if it meant her world might fall apart, she didn’t know how to live without this type of love.

She may even have a strange sense of relief if the universe itself ended at that exact moment, if everything around her burned and shattered. Because maybe—just maybe—she could stop wishing for something that had never been hers in the first place when everything was finally destroyed.

She was therefore unsure of what to do as he entered the room. Everything inside of her was collapsing, even if the world was the same and the rain was still falling outside.

“Aria…” Like he wasn’t sure how to face the damage he had left behind, Lucas said in a low, almost hesitant tone.

She was unable to even speak. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to run away from him forever or if she wanted him to speak the words she had been waiting so long to hear.

He was present. It was everything when he was here, but it was nothing. She would have been as lost as she was now if the world had ended at that very moment. Because she would always be here, trapped in the wreckage of her own heart, loving someone who would never be able to love her in the same way, regardless of what occurred.

In a sense, the end of the world had already arrived. It had manifested as the unending pain that lingered inside her every day and as his apathy. It had arrived in a form of love so profound that it engulfed her, engulfing her in its never-ending waves until she was unable to distinguish between him and herself. The hollow ache of wanting was all that remained after the love slowly tore her apart, piece by piece, from the inside out. It was the kind of love that left her feeling both alive and dead at the same time—alive when she was with him and dead when she wasn’t. Even though it crushed her and tore her soul into pieces, she would have pleaded with the cosmos to keep it continuing because, without him, even the anguish felt real. She loved him so deeply and fully.

Aria would let the world collapse if it did. Because she could at least give up hope at that point, in the ultimate confusion of it all. She was able to cease hoping for something that would never materialize.

The end of the world ultimately appeared to be the only viable solution to her heart’s horror.