I killed her

This includes extracts of Kathleen Raine’s poem “Passion”, and Walt Whitman’s “From crossing Brooklyn Ferry”.

The water felt so loose and freeing as I stood there, feeling the flow of the river race past my feet. I walked further in, my white dress absorbing the water and clinging to my body.

My thoughts crawled around my brain, tearing at it, and binding me in a state of exasperation. The cool water felt like fire as its volume scorched me the more I waded in.

I couldn’t run now.

All those words that had been thrown at me felt like acid swirling throughout my very being. All the hurt, both physical and mental, had left bruises along the inside of my soul. There were old and new wounds that I had no control over.

“They left you, Lieve,” his voice, glazed with malice, said.

“I love you,” the words dripped with a crimson liquid. “I do this because I love you.”

Crash!

The water whirled around me as I submerged myself fully. I closed my eyes, allowing myself to be surrounded by my past. Maybe. Just maybe, if I waited long enough the river would take my pain away with it too. The current could collect all those thoughts and leave me numb. Void of any feeling.

I wanted to be numb.

I needed to be numb.

I couldn’t control them anymore, and if they stayed with me any longer, they would turn themselves into a deadly weapon.

I could feel the pressure on my chest as my lungs scrounged for the remaining air. The sound of my heartbeat shot through my head causing a painful throbbing sensation. I instantly shot out of the water, gasping desperately for air as I took rapid breaths.

My straight, falcon black hair clung to my shoulders like a vail as the cold air rushed back into my lungs, causing me to shiver. The water reflected the dark clouds that loomed about me, and I could hear the water running over the pebbles that slept on the river’s bed.

“Who are you?”, a small voice broke through the thick atmosphere.

My head snapped in its direction, only to see a little girl. An odd little girl.

Her hair looked like mine, but it hung down to her thin ankles. Her eyes were a deep brown, almost black and her skin almost looked grey; it hugged her bony figure tight. She wore a dirty, white dress and she looked completely void of any colour except for the flower.

In her hand she clutched a rose. Its petals were blood red and it was bleeding. Yes. It was bleeding. The stem was full of sharp thorns that burst the skin of her palms.

“Who are you?”, she repeated the question, her voice held a bite to it.

“I’m…I’m Lieve,” I replied, my voice hoarse. “Who are you?”

A giggle bubbled out of her lips. A sadistic giggle laced with a note of bitterness.

“Flow on river,” her voice crackled. “Flow with the flood-tide, and ebb with the ebb-tide.” She chanted the lines, almost singing.

A wind began to pick up at that moment, and the river roared with sudden aggressive movements around me. It was hungry, and at that moment I knew I was the prey.

“Frolic on, crested and scallop-edg’d waves,” she continued.

The wind started to swirl in circular motions, it grabbed at me, assaulting my face.

“I was happy,” the little girl’s whisper spiralled round, riding on the wind. “I played with my dollies. I danced when mommy played the piano.”

Her words felt like an ice dagger to my chest as they sunk in. I felt a tear roll down my cheek as I stood frozen in the lake that was tearing at my soul.

“Full of desire I lay, the sky wounding me,

 each cloud a ship without me sailing,

each tree possessing what my soul lacked, tranquillity.”

The broken song crawled into me, and I doubled over as an agonising pain laid siege on my body.

“Stop!”, I pleaded in a blood curdling scream. “What are you doing?”

Hail started pelting down. Now the water was wavy, and the current was fast. Faster than I could take. But I couldn’t move. My feet were nailed down.

“You took away our happiness,” the girl’s voice raised as she spoke. “You…hurt us.”

For the first time I looked into her eyes. They were dark pools of raw hurt and blazing anger. Yet her face was a mask. My eyes darted around, as they took in the surrounding trees. We were concealed by thick forests, infested with untold secrets. The trees watched the scene unfold and they wept.

Why?

The girl’s eyes locked with mine again, as if I had voiced my question.

“Because you killed me. That’s why. You suffer an adult’s pain because you killed me.”

I started breathing heavily as my hands wrapped around my middle. “I didn’t mean to,” I screamed back. “I never wanted to.”

“But you did.” Hey voice was heavily marinated in scorn.

All of a sudden, the wind stopped blowing and the water looked like it was frozen, although I could feel it flowing through my toes. The hail in turn ceased. All was quiet. There was not a sound.

My eyes wandered to the girl.

A tear trickled down her cheek as she spoke one final time.

“Know now that you are born along with these

 Clouds, winds, and stars, and ever-moving seas

 And forest dwellers. This your nature is.”

My gut twisted and I could taste a sourness in my mouth.

The girl closed her eyes and bit, by bit disintegrated into small black pieces of ash. A soft breeze carried her away. Away from me. My feet were freed, as I made my break from the river’s clutches. I clawed my way out, slipping on the smooth pebbles. My heart was leaving me behind in my attempt to catch her.

She was gone.

My knees buckled beneath me as hot tears stung my eyes. She left me. And she was never coming back. My feet shook as I rose and staggered back into the lake.

I felt numb.

Numb was good. Wasn’t it?

I submerged myself in it again. But this time when I resurfaced, the sun peaked out, behind the clouds. The air was peaceful, and the lake hugged me, just like a mother would her child.

I wasn’t numb, but I wasn’t in pain either. The feeling was strange.

I liked it.