An Adventurous Baby Chicken’s, “Tale”

An Adventurous Baby Chicken’s, “Tale”

Once upon a time on a farm in Danville, Va., there lived a little hen. All the other animals were constantly teasing her because she couldn’t lay any eggs. She tried so hard, but she just could not get a visit from the old girl, Mother Nature to furtelize her eggs. All the other birds on the farm were constantly making fun of her saying, “Fertility is not for you! Now, we don’t mean to sound so, ‘korney,’ but you should go find a nie, ‘Colonal’ to mate with! Your favorite baseball must be Tie, ‘Cobb!’ Only a, ‘bird-brain’ would keep trying! Just go, ‘lay’ down somewhere! If you can’t fall asleep, maybe you should call an, a-’nest’-atist to help you relax! Wow! You can call me butter cause I’m on a, ‘role!’ Sorry, we won’t make, ‘pun’ of you any more, deer! That is not what they pay us the big, ‘bucks’ to do! We can earn our, ‘doe’ by laying here, so long as we’re, ‘laying eggs! Don’t bother sitting on the, ‘poach’ because it will, ‘scramble’ your brain too much and it won’t be, ‘egg’-zactly pretty! Let your thoughts come, ‘over-easy’ and keep your, ‘sunny-side-up and keep your dirty side down! ‘Hens,’ it will give the rest of us something to, ‘cackle’ about! Yet you’re too, ‘chicken’ to try and find a mate! Now, maybe you should try to, ‘chick-en’ to one! That would make it a lot easier to, ‘roost’ marshmallows over an open fire in the front yard! That would work because, ‘fire’ is what that old farmer will do to you! That would mean the only thing you would be useful for in his opinion is, well, I would rather not say, but if you have good-taste in things, it won’t matter, for all he wants from you is that you, ‘taste-good!”

As she strutted away, leaving the poor, little confused chick there, she began to wonder if they were really her parents, so she went to a pig and said, “Hey, Momma! Can we talk?”

The pig gave her an odd look and said, “Do I know you? I don’t believe we’ve met, sweetie. I don’t even know your name, but my name is Oscer, or you’d better call me, ‘Mr. Myar.’ I’m on my way to work so I can, ‘bring home the bacon’ for my family. All they ever drink is water, but I want them to be better so all they drink’s, ‘swine.’ It’s important that my piglets don’t, ‘pork’ fun at the other animals, uh, I mean, poke fun at them. Excuse me, I’m taking a, ‘waddle’ right now.”

The next pen had a cow in it. She was really big compared to the other animals, but she went to her and said, “Hey, Mom! I’ve got some questions to ask you now! Do you have time?”

“Excuse me, do I know you? I don’t think so! Now, I was on my way to my aerobics class. The instructor wants me to, ‘Mooove’ my body a lot more. His name is Mac, and he’s really big, so I call him, ‘Big Mac.’ Uh-oh! Here comes the boss! I’m not telling a, ‘Whopper’ either!” Then she scoured away which made the little chicken think he was definitely not her mother.

There was another animal in the pen with her who looked the same, but was bigger. It was a bull. She hoped he wasn’t her mom, but she couldn’t take any chances, so she asked, “Excuse me, are you my mother?”

“Huh? No way!” snorted the bull, “I don’t want to talk because the farmer hasn’t fed me today! I think his name is Maerrel. Yet some people call him, ‘Mr. Lynch.’ He’s, ‘Bullish On America! If you think I’m going to help you, you’re full of person! Now, get out of here!

The next pen was home to a horse. She looked quite tame so the little chicken approached her and asked in her usual polite tone of voice, “Excuse me, are you my mother?”

The horse replied in a scratchy tone of voice, “I’m afraid not, cutey, but I don’t have time to talk right now. I’m on my way to see the doctor because my voice sounds rather, ‘person,’ “ and she trotted off before the little chicken could ask her any more questions, she had many.

Beside that pen was a lamb. She looked quite gentle to the little chick and appeared to be worthy of knowledge,, so she ran over to her and asked in her usual polite tone of voice, “Excuse me, are you my mother?”

“Hardley,” replied the lamb, “but I don’t have to talk right now. Some men are on their way to cut off all my fur to make wool clothes for their family while I have to freeze! If they catch me it will really be a, ‘sheer’ disaster!” Then she scurried on her way, leaving the little chicken behind.

Beside that pen was another fence which was home to a pond. In that pond was a duck swimming on top of the water. Since she also had feathers the same way she did, it got her hopes up quite high. She ran to the pond and called out, “Excuse me, are you my mother?”

“Gee, I would love to say, ‘yeah,’ but I can’t. My husband, Old Millard-The-Mallard wouldn’t believe it. Just, Hey! Maybe if you would swim over here, I could make him think you were mine! Come on! You’re a bird, aren’t you? Just, ‘duck’ your head and we can fool your Daddy!”

Since the little chick had never even heard of swimming, she said, “Uh, gett. No thank you!” and ran on her way across the farm in search of her real mother, who was being quite ovasive.

A fish swimming around in the water caught her attention so she called out to him, “Hay! Excuse me, I’m looking for my mother! Do you know where I could find her, my wet friend?”

“Sorry,” replied the fish as it kept on swimming, “I’m on my way to, ‘school.’ If I’m late, they’ll give me detention for playing, ‘fish-hookey.’ “ Then it swam on it’s way through the water.

Several feet away she saw a tadpole who was unsuccessfully trying to teach itself how to swim. The little chicken ran over to her and called out, using the same, polite voice she had always sussed, “Excuse me, I’m lost. Can you please tell me where my mommy is right now?”

“Sorry,” said the tadpole, who sounded like he didn’t know much of anything, “I’ve got my own problems now. I’m looking for my Polish family. Well, actually my moms Polish, but my daddy’s not. I reckon that makes me a, ‘tad-Polish,’ doesn’t it? I’m hungry for some sour Polish sausages. My uncle is a full Pole. His name is See-And-Ski.’ “ Then she swam away before the little chicken could say anything to let her know he was appreciative of her time.

The next animal she saw was a salamander so she called out, “Excuse me, I’m lost. Can you please tell me where my mommy is? At least tell me who my mommy is anyway?”

:Sorry,” said the salamander, “I’m on my way to a party at the Mander’s place. My name is Sally, so just think, ‘Sally-Mandar.’ “ Then she swam on through the water and was gone.

A few yards further down she saw a frog. He looked nothing like her, but she couldn't take any chances, so she called out, “Hay there! Are you my mother?”

The frog replied in a scratchy tone of voice, “Sorry, I’m not, but I don’t have time to talk now. I’m on my way to my granddaddy’s funeral. He just, ‘croaked.’ Then I have an appointment to see the doctor so he can get rid of this, ‘person in my throat.’ You look like you’re hot, so come on in the water, at least get, ‘knee-deep’ in it! Here comes my buddy, Jermany. Actually, his name is Jerimiah since he is a bullfrog, he’s a good friend of mine. His main problem is he just got a horse named Izmy. Like Jeramyaha, The Weeping Prophet’s horse in the Bible. To make him stop he would have to yell, ‘Woe, Ismy!’ You could at least come swimming on this hot day, or just get, ‘Knee-deep!’ in the cool water. You look hot, so come and wade a little bit. Don’t worry about the scales because they have nothing to do with how much you, ‘weighed.’ It’s good for what ails you, but better watch your step or you’ll be, ‘washed up,’ my hot, little friend.“

The next pen was home to a goat. When the little chicken ran over to ask the all-important question, he scowled at her, but she was in no position to be picky at the time, so she ran up to him and asked, in her always polite tone of voice, “Excuse me, are you my mother?”

“Huh!” fussed the goat with an awful sowl across his face, “What do I look like? Your mamma? Get out of my face before I do something that will shorten your lifespan here on this old planet! Besides, the farmer is late with my food! That really gets my person!” Then he stomped away, leaving the poor, frustrated little chicken all by herself, yet since it looked like he was the last animal left to ask who was on the whole farm, she ran after him yelling, “But, but,”

“Hah!” snorted the grumpy goat, “I’ll give you a, ‘butt-butt!’ Now, you’re a, ‘ba-a-a-a-a-ad’ little pain in the neck! I’ll blow my, ‘hornes’ at you, you little major, ‘tonsillitis!’ I will call you that since you are such a major, ‘pain-in-the-neck!’ ” Then he came charging at the little chicken, and obviously with mal intentions on his fussy mind as he sprinted towards her with his horns pointed straight at her, which was sure to be the end of the little baby chicken’s life since it would be the last thing that cute, little, furry creature ever did, she didn’t even have feathers yet.

Yet it was lucky for her that there was a huge board fence right behind her. That enabled her to scurry under them, barely missing the razor-sharp horns which were intended to gouge her to death. That caused the goat to commence cussing, but since it was all in goat-language, the little chick didn’t understand a word he was yelling at her, which was probably just as well, so as she opened her mouth to apologize to the fussy animal, she decided against it since he was in no position to accept any sort of kind words, and so she just continued jogging across the farm.

The problem was that she was all out of animals to ask for help. As she plopped down in the sweet-smelling, white shavings to cry, all of a sudden she heard a loving, but desperate voice shout, “My baby! There you are! I’ve been worried sick about you! Come here to your mother!”

It was the voice of the one animal she had been looking for throughout her entire life, even though that was just a few hours ago. She came running towards the little chick, so the little chick ran towards her to meet her in the middle. “Oh, mother!” she cried, but her mother also cried, except it was tears of joy and relief from finding her little baby. “I’ve had such a horrible time trying to find you! I’m glad you finally,” but she couldn’t say another word because her true mother was already soaking her with kisses. They were real, honest ones, that’s not like Hershey’s Kisses. After a long, grueling search, she had finally been reunited with her mamma and the rest of her family so like the best-written children’s stories of all-time will officially finish,

“THEY ALL LIVED, ‘HAPPILY’ EVER AFTER!!!!” The end.