Egg on My Face

Don’t look don’t look don’t look don’t look don’t loo- dammit. 

My stride stuttered as I again was unable to keep my eyes forward, away from the sparkling temptress the universe has placed in my path as some cruel joke. Not only is there a high-end jeweler right on my walk to work, but it happens to be the one housing the St. Beneficio Egg. Many have heard of Faberge eggs, but those are cheap trinkets in comparison to the St. Beneficio Egg. It’s gorgeous. It’s priceless. Well, technically it did have a price: $225 million. As if anyone with $225 million would just walk by and impulsively buy the egg from the window. I never understood why a jeweler would just put it in the window like that. Probably just the universe trying to test me. 

I left the egg in my wake, as I did every morning, and tried to forget about it. There was a time in my life that I would have had that egg months ago. The first time I’d seen it, I would have begun planning. In just a few weeks, I’m sure I would’ve been ready to make a move. I mean, damn, when I was in the game, I was good. All it would take was a little observation of the business, the employees, the security measures… no. Dammit I was not doing a good job forgetting about that egg. I shook my head and went back into reality, only to realize I’d walked right past my office. 

I knew it wasn’t rational, but I didn’t want to do a 180 and show everyone I had messed up. I decided that as long as I’d already missed the office I might as well just get coffee at the upcoming cafe. That way it would be like I had purposely walked by the office for a reason. But if I was going to show up late to work with coffee, I had to offer to bring some for everyone else. Or at least anyone that responded within the couple minutes from when I sent out a text to when I was ordering. I whip out my phone and shoot off a text, but somehow, as if another test from the universe, I must have clicked the wrong “James” and my past comes back again. 

James: Hey girl, I imagine I wasn’t supposed to be in that group coffee text. My, how boring your life must have become to have a group coffee text 

Me: You are right about exactly one thing: you weren’t supposed to be in that text. 

James: Oh please. Don’t pretend you’re not bored. You know you miss the thrill, and the lifestyle. I know you burned through those profits quick. You must be almost out… hence whatever dead-end job you got where you’re stuck getting everyone coffee. 

Me: Getting coffee isn’t part of my job. I’m just doing it 

I paused. I was about to type “for fun,” but if I’m getting coffee for the office for fun, wouldn’t that just prove his point about my life? That would have just sounded sad. I deleted it and typed “for today.” But wouldn’t that make it sound like it is part of my job, just not everyday? Why did I care so much what James thought? I started thinking maybe I should just not respond, when he texted again. 

James: I’m going to take this sudden silence as meaning I’m right. Well if you’re so bored, I’m going to be in the city in a few weeks and I would be more than willing to help you with a job. Just think, this time you could live off that money for years since you’d be more careful about your spending…

Stupid James thinking I was bored. I wasn’t bored. I loved my new life. Well, I liked it. It was fine. At least I wasn’t perpetually at risk of going to prison or dying. It was a much safer life. Plenty of people were happy in lives just like this. I just needed to get adjusted to the slower pace. 

James: No need to decide right now. Just let me know in the next couple weeks so I can prepare. 

Getting out of the life was the smartest decision I ever made. So why was I considering James’s offer? I mean, maybe one last heist wouldn’t be the worst idea. I could get it out of my system. Like smokers having one last cigarette before quitting. Or like smokers using nicotine patches to quit. I mean no one just quits cold turkey… that never works. Plus, James was right that one last heist could hold me over financially for years. And if we pulled the right heist, it could last me for life. One long, lowkey, normal life. James was also right that I had already blown through all my money from all my prior jobs before I decided to give up the life. At the time I had thought it would keep coming in at the same rate. 

Coffee Orders: Yeah, I’ll take a large hazelnut latte! Thanks!

Coffee Orders: Large iced coffee, almond milk, caramel. 

Coffee Orders: And James would like a large hot coffee with cream no sugar. Not sure why he’s not in the chat. 

Coffee Orders: Medium herbal tea for me! You’re the best! 

Coffee Orders: I’m Hilary, I drink tea, I’m so special and different. 

Coffee Orders: Laugh at me all you want, but at least I treat my body with the respect it deserves so that it can take care of me.

Ugh, Tim, why did you have to stir the pot? Was Hilary insanely irritating with her pretentious, clean-living, crystal-loving, treat-every-living-thing-like-a-friend attitude? Yes. But that was more something we talked about behind her back than brought up directly to her. What was even the point? She wasn’t going to change just because-- 

Oh my god. How was this my life? Inane workplace drama. This didn’t used to be something I would care about. Maybe it was good that it was something I care about in my new, normal life. The drama Tim stirred up was the talk of the office and I let myself get lost in it. I forgot entirely about the St. Beneficio Egg and James. I didn’t even think to look in the window on my walk home, mostly because I was on my phone texting about the Tim-Hilary situation and how it had split the entire office into Team Tim and Team Hilary. James and that egg were things of the past. At least for the day. 

The next day, I walked by the jeweler again and again I caught myself looking at the egg. I tried to remind myself of the Tim-Hilary thing to try and distract myself, but it turned out that a little workplace conflict was more of a one-day distraction. Who knew when the next distraction of that magnitude might come up? That was the biggest thing that had happened in weeks. God my life was boring. But it was the smart thing to do. Wasn’t it? Maybe some people just aren’t meant for boring lives… But I gave that up for a reason! I needed to stop thinking like this was even an option. It was only an option because James was coming to town. If I’d never texted him on accident or if he wasn’t coming or if that stupid egg wasn’t on my walk to work, I’d never be considering going back to the life. 

Then again, maybe the accidental text coming right before James’s trip and the insanely valuable egg just happening to be on my walk to work wasn’t by chance. Maybe it was a sign. Maybe the universe wanted me to have one last hurrah before giving it all up forever. I mean, what are the odds of it all lining up just by coincidence? 

But if I really wanted to quit and leave it all behind, like I knew I should, I needed to resist the temptation to pull one last heist. I was done with that life. For good. And I couldn’t say that if I was just a couple random coincidences away from pulling another heist at any given moment. I was not pulling a heist and that was final. 

And it was final. For a few days. Then James texted again. 

James: So… we on or what?

Listen, I could only tell myself that it was all a bunch of coincidences for so long. It wasn’t like James to actively seek out a job. He normally waited for the jobs to come to him. There was only one explanation: the universe wanted me to pull this one last job. I mean, if I just pulled one last job, this time knowing it was my last job, it could hold me over forever, both financially and in excitement.

Me: I know a place. I’ll do recon. Meet me in George’s Cafe on 8th at 5:30 PM on the 14th and 

we’ll go over job details. 

James: See you then. 

Over the next couple weeks, I went through my normal routine. I got the blueprints from public records (thank god for zoning requirements). I observed the opening and closing procedures from the restaurant across the street, which familiarized me with the security measures. I scoped out the cameras and found out which ones they were by shopping online for cameras that looked the same. I knew James would find the buyer. By the time he was in town, I had our plan ready to go. And it was flawless, truly some of my best work. 

James was one hundred percent on board. He had already found the buyer and was ready to go. He agreed to strike that very night, just as I’d planned. We waited for night to fall, then for nightlife to die off, bars to close, everyone to get home. Around 3:45 AM, after everyone had made their way home from bars and parties but before the early morning people were up, I was outside the jewelry store, wig in place, shoes with hidden lifts changing my height, wearing big reflective glasses that would mess with the cameras. Right on time, I saw James approaching, matching me in glasses, wearing the ridiculous outfit we’d agreed on. I tried not to laugh. “You ready?” he asked. I answered with a simple nod and began typing the lockbox code I’d watched the manager type a dozen times. 

Just as the lockbox clicked open, suddenly lights were flashing and sirens screaming. “HANDS ON YOUR HEAD! NOW! GET ON THE GROUND!” I spun around to see two cops coming from across the street, guns and flashlights trained on me. Cop cars came flying around the corner, sirens blaring and lights flashing. Stunned, I obeyed, dropping to my knees and locking my hands behind my head. What were the odds? For years I was pulling heists without being caught, but the one heist I pull after going straight… 

But that’s when I noticed it. James. He wasn’t dropping to the ground. He wasn’t putting his hands behind his head. He wasn’t even surprised. He refused to make eye contact as the officers placed the cuffs, but I couldn’t look away. So it wasn’t a coincidence, but it wasn’t the universe either. “James?” He winced as I said his name. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. I was shocked. James and I had been partners for years before I left. 

“James, I knew you were disappointed when I gave it up but this?” 

“It’s not about that… They had me in custody when you texted… they offered me a deal if I could get them you too…”

“But you knew I was out--”

Then a cop started in on my rights, beginning with the right to remain silent, and I shut up. I’d said too much already. I mean, they couldn’t possibly have had too much on me, could they? As I ducked into the back of a cop car I could not believe that I was so stupid to go for that damn egg. I knew better. Oh god, this was going to last the office wayyyy longer than the Tim-Hilary thing. Oh god, how was I thinking about the office right now? I guess I was more into that new life than I thought I was… A realization that came too late.