Liberation of Self

Today is the day I change. I was waiting for it for a long time. Days, months, years have passed. Many times I was ready for it, many times I prepared myself but never happened until today. Something was wrong today. My body got heated. My arms and legs were tingling and numb. My soul was leaving me slowly and I was watching myself from the top. It was strange feeling. I have never felt it before. This was liberation. Finally, my soul was getting free and breaking the boundaries of our limited biological cover. Can you imagine a world independent from all limitations? No time, no perspective limitations and no place.

At the beginning, I envied the birds and how they see the world over. They had the all air. No rules, no highways. It was complete freedom but then I thought about the atmosphere. It was the limitation. "Is the sky limit? Definitely not" I thought. Time to time I was checking my biological body. How misarable it is. It was trying to understand what is going on but also calling me back. These moments were the toughest moments because I don't want to go back in that cover but it was strong.

For some moment, I found myself in that body again. Reality was an complete illusion. Even for me. It made me think that perception is just an illusion. It is so easy to manipulate and our bodies are our biggest weaknesses. While I was thinking of all these, I heard a voice. 'Wake up!". My body opened the eyes and saw her who took us to reality. Suddenly, everything became normal as before but I didn't believe it. 'What if it was illusion and all other are real?"

This question finally confused the body and he got lost again. This time I could escape even further and got my freedom again. I was seeing the reality in infinite universe. After flying around for a while, I felt a strong vacuum and found myself in a darkness.

It was very dark but from voices I assumed that it is a box. I was in the middle of it and hanging freely. No weight, no touch, no gravity nothing. It is just nothingness around me and no senses except one. I could hear, When I paid attention to the voices, I noticed that it is not me who was talking but it was my voice. My voice was echoing all around. Presumably, this box was around 27 m3. I gave more attention to voices and tried to understand what it is. I can understand nothing. I wanted to scream but I couldn't. Suddenly, I could said 'where am I?' aloud but it didn't echo in stead it went away to infinity. At the same moment, other voices of me kept echoing. After sometime, I understood few words. "Who are you?"

I wanted to answer this question but I couldn't. I was mute again. I was hearing that moment the same question "who are you?". Thousand times.. Maybe millions. No time, no space, nothingness. Complete nothingness. Therefore, I don't know the count but I was feeling it in all cells and then I started to ask 'Who am I?'. 'Who should I suppose to be?'. I even couldn't answer myself. In the nothingness, a strange feeling filled me. It was complete freedom. Nothing was like on earth or space. No order, no chaos, no physics. Everything was beyond all I knew. I was feeling only freedom but it was bothering me to not be able to identify myself. 'what makes me feel like me?'. This question changed everything. Nothingness had changed, darksness had gone and I was there where I was born.

It was like awaking from a dream. Just few minutes ago I was in darkness and now everything looks familiar. The streets, smell, voices. Everything was very familiar. 'Wait a minute! What am I doing here? I left here years ago' I thought but this thought leaded me nowhere. I was still there. I waited for an hour but no change. I was still there. 'This must be the reality. All my experiences should have been a dream or imagination from books, movies but what am I doing here and what should I do now? Because I remember nothing but only the way to home. Perhaps, I have some sickness and lose my memory and get lost. So, all I can do is to go back to home. ' I thought and started to walk back to home. Interestingly, streets were empty. There were extreme silence. I kept walking down to main street and finally I was closed to home. I would just turn the last street and then come to hours. I did so. I turned the street and suddenly I saw a big crowded. They were looking at me. I just looked carefully to make an eye contact and noticed something. I know all of them. All those faces were familiar, all those faces I saw before. Is it possible that I made up story from this faces and adapted it as my life? Because, he was there. Professor Roder. On the other side of the way, Mr. Carpenter but it is impossible to see all of these people here because I met them in different places.

'Am I crazy?' I thought. I was shocked, numb. I was feeling the freedom and suddenly I was trapped. I decided to go back to way I came and I run back. However, how far I was running was leading me back to street like a circle. All people I thought I had met so far was there. Some of them were smiling, some of them were angry, some of them were disappointed. I decided to talk with them and approached the most familar face. My brother. He smiled and came to me. We talked for a while and he said 'They are waiting for you". I asked him "who?" but he suddenly hugged me and everything changed again. I was with my parents at some restaurant. I was trying to understand what is going on but they were talking and I was answering unconciously. After a while, I paid attention and I was thanking them, blaming them, apologise for something. While I was doing this unconcsiouly, I was feeling a relief. The burden and pain I kept inside was releasing. Then I kept their hands and suddenly everything changed again. This time, I was on the top of mountain with the only girl I hurt. I left her for no reason because I wasn't feeling in the same way as she did. I always wanted to say I am sorry but I never had chance but she was there and alone. It was the chance and I used it. We hugged with her and I was at the first company I have ever worked. Mr. Carpenter gave a warm welcome to me and we sit. I remembered the advice he gave to me. It was very valuable and it changed my life. I thanked to him. He smiled and said that he is proud of me. Then we shaked the hands and everything has changed again. I finally understood the pattern. It was a journey with all people I met. Every touch was changing the person and place. Every change was making me feel more free. Every change was paining me but in the end I was relaxing. I saw everyone and talked with them. I thanked, apologised, gave a compliment, cursed but I said everything I needed to say for ages and in the end I was in the darkness again. This time I was sitting on a chair. I heard the same voice again more clear. 'who are you?' but no echo this time. Only one source. I turned there and said 'I am you.'

I heard the same question again 'who are you?' Darkness was slowly changing. I could see some silhouette, woke up and walked to it while I was answering the question. 'I am everybody.' Silhoutte was getting more clear and closer but repeating the questions. I was also answering continously I am what I see, I am what hear, I am what learn, I am what I read, I am what I observe....' Finally, I was seeing it. Darkness was gone. I saw that face. My face. He smiled at me and I smiled back but last question came. 'What makes you me?'

.....

Today's the day I changed. I really don't know what has changed but I feel stronger and more confident. I appreciate every moment I had. I had bad days, good days, happy and sad days. I upset people, I regret many things, I also appreciated some or made them happy. Past is past. Life is up and down. All we need is to accept how ever it comes because every moment is an experience and all this up and downs makes us 'us'. So, today is a new day and the day of change.