Our Last Saturday

We were the only people at that karaoke bar that last night we sat opposite of each other, him sitting closest to the door this time. He was letting me watch him through our silence. As I sat there more with my thoughts than with him, I could feel through the windows the crowds of people heading opposite the direction we came, bustling through the darkness of the city’s night arm in arm in warmth and cheer.

The more I felt the silence the more I realized what I wanted to say.

“You should go home first.” I spoke gently. “It’s okay.” 

And that was it. 

Every Saturday for week after week we’d uncoil together getting off at stations’ congested with locals to explore its accompanying city. 

Those days we lived however we wanted, eating food we never ate before, buying whatever was on sale that week, and attending that night's local performance, sometimes including our own theatrics where we responded to names we’d made up for each other, happy to pretend we were in a different life. Even the most monotonous and unwelcoming cities had gems to offer on a Saturday.

The call time this night was 8 p.m. at the station south of our destination, Greendale Park, attending for it’s nearly monthly fair. I arrived at the station west of Greendale park 7:42 sharp, and walked over to the station south of Greendale Park, arriving 7:55 sharp. 

Families, friends, and lovers passed me walking out of the station, closely knit, warming each other up from the January wind. 

I immediately slid among one of the pillars feeling conscious of how much I stood out being the only person not scrambling out. At 8:02 p.m. I pulled my phone out from my jacket pocket to see I had no new messages.  

I’m here. It's cold. 

Two minutes later my phone beeps. 

lol. just got on the train. i’ll be there soon.

I could feel the passing winds on the open station, if only buffered by the mounts of people dropped off by the incoming trains.

It’s gonna be super packed, everyone’s heading that way.

to the thing? yahhh duh, they have dumplings

Yeah didn’t you say they also had crepes?? What kinda theme is this?

the beeeest kind

Haha wdym

8:16 p.m.

YOOoooo wth?? Where r uuu

almost there

Less than 5 min?

uhhh sure why not

I’m ignoring you until it’s less than 5

nooooooo

At 8:29 p.m. I finally saw his familiar figure stepping out of a train, he was easy to spot, wearing a vibrant pink Hawaiian wind jacket, that despite it’s ludicrous design, he wore very well. He had a way of clicking his head whenever he’d spot me, a weird way of acknowledging me among packed areas.

“Very stylish, but is it going to keep you warm?” I said as I finally turned to walk out of the station. 

“What do you mean?” He chuckled as he followed me into the crowd. “That night downtown, it started raining and this good boy kept me warm.” 

“Oh yeah, one of us was warm.” We were now completely integrated into the horde. “Do you know the way?” 

He looked around and spoke unconcerned. “Lets just follow them, I know it's like 4 blocks from here.” 

There was very little light from the stars tonight, but the commercial buildings lit up the sidewalks, and once we were on the street I could see the fair’s luminous rides light up what felt like the whole town. The night by itself would have felt great, the breeze and atmosphere setting up a good mood. If it only weren’t for me and my continuing downtrodden mood. 

“It closes at 10.” I said, still looking forward. “The fair.”

“Yup.” 

“We have like an hour, I really think we should have rescheduled.” His mood turned palpable once I said it. 

“You canceled last week.” He mumbled. 

“Yeah once in like a year, you know I felt really sick.” 

“It has been a year.” He was quiet for a bit. “If you cancel once, it’ll get easier and you’ll keep doing it, and it’s our thing, remember every Saturday.” He stopped abruptly and yanked me back. “Oh my god careful. The light.” 

I hadn’t noticed we’d reached the end of the sidewalk.

“Whoa.” I turned to him. “It used to be Wednesdays.” 

“Yeah my day off. My only day off at the time.”

“You spend them with me, because I was in a bad place, right?”

He faced me. “Yeah. And now I need you to spend them with me.”

“Okay.” I said. The road cleared and we stepped forward. 

Once we were moving again the ambivalence of the people around me reached me a bit. I felt like the night was lighter and my legs matched that.

Suddenly he started talking again like usual. “I was watching this show. It’s supposed to be one of the best, about all that psychological stuff. But the first few episodes just suck, and it does get better, but you could tell it wasn’t planned out. It’s just like rambling ‘till it gets better.” He talked until we reached the next light. 

I turned to him, ”Isn’t that good, looking for what works and figuring it out?” We crossed the road.

“It feels cheap. They never knew what they were going for, it’s just getting lucky.”

“I think I know which show you’re talking about, the one where they have to pilot submarines to fight alien sharks.” I chuckled. “It’s original at least.”

“I guess.” He said bitterly.

We’d gotten lucky with the next light. “Woah, it extends into the lot, you could see everything from here.” I took out my loose cash. “I have $45 and a quarter. How many prices do you want me to win you?”

He chuckled. “You can only afford like 3 games.” 

“So 3?”

“Yes please.” 

We stepped into the park, the lot was completely filled with rows of tents flattered with delicious foods back to back, while the main park hosted the rides and carnival games. 

He turned to me. “Dumplings first please.”

“What time is it?” 

He checked his phone. “8:45. Let’s just eat, people are still coming in, they’ll probably stay open. 

We walked into the lot eyeing the tents. 

“Let’s walk until we see something we like.” He went on first. “Waffles, sausages, noodles, dog toys-”

“Seriously what kind of fair is this.” 

“The best kind.” He started leading me through the whole lot. “We’re still going camping next week right?” 

I looked at him questionably. “When did we say that?” 

“Last month, remember. I told you I knew where to rent the best place.”

“I never said I’d go.”

He looked back at me. “You said you’d think about it.”

“Yeah.”

“I just figured.” He paused. “I already put down money for it.”

I sighed. “I can’t go.” 

He grumbled. “It’s already 9, let's just go to a ride, we’ll find a restaurant later.”

We walked on heavily until we reached the area neatly patched with grass. I looked around for anything to change the atmosphere.

I spotted ahead and saw a vendor with a tray filled with dumplings. “Look, they're handing out samples for the booths. Stay here.” I brought over a small dish with a simple dumpling. 

His face instantly lit up at the small dumpling as I handed it over, devouring it a moment later. “Mmmm.” He savored it. “8/10.” 

I laughed. “What was that?”

“It’s good.” 

We reached one of the many ticket booths, and exchanged $60 for 40 tickets, him matching the $30 I put in. Soon enough we were waiting in line for a ride that’d spin us around faster than we could believe.

“Don’t throw up that dumpling.”

He smiled. “I have a strong stomach.” 

I looked at him smiling.“You rate food now?”

He looked disappointed. “It was gonna be my thing tonight, since there was gonna be a lot to eat.”

“We were supposed to meet at 7 o’clock, but you said you were gonna be held up.”

“And I was.” He said almost proudly.

“8 is really good then? You tend to have high standards.”

“Yeah, below a 7 isn’t even worth it.”

The ride required us to turn our cars with a handle while we were spun around by the entire machine. I couldn’t muster much strength to spin us around, but he took initiative by single handily spinning us around, and we screamed and laughed as the whole thing lasted longer than we’d both expected.

I felt lighter in the head after, my stomach feeling a lot hotter. 

“I don’t feel that good. Let’s go on a lighter one.”

“Okay.” He looked around. “Ferris wheel.”

“8 tickets for the last ride, 10 tickets for this one, we have 22 left.” We were promptly seated and soon lifted up by the jangling cart. “Let’s hurry and spend it.” 

The ride was peaceful enough despite how easily we felt the heavy crowd down below as soon we were lifted above all the noise and rampant activity, neither of us looking at each other, but looking down at the humoring world beneath. 

I broke first when I looked away to face him and he kindly looked back at me letting me speak what I had to.

"I’m sorry about the camping, I just can’t see you next Saturday.”

“No I-” He paused. “It’s okay, I shouldn’t have done that.”

“We’re supposed to be having, but I feel like we’ve been...stressing each other out. You know?” 

“Yeah.”

“Which is why I’ve been thinking, for a while now we could take a break? For a bit?”

He nodded.

“What do you think? Not do this for a few weeks?”

“Yeah.”

I bit my lip. “Yeah? I’ll pay you back for the thing next week.”

“Yes and no.”

We reached the top of the wheel once again and returned our gaze staring down. 

Once we were down my posture felt lighter, and I swung my arms around the open space we had. “We should make the best of tonight. Our last one for a while.”

“Yeah.” He followed me as I looked around. “It’s 9:30.” He called out as I’d gone a bit ahead. 

"We could go on one more?” I spotted the tents behind him. “Or we could pick up a bunch of snacks before they pack up.” 

“Yup.” He wasn’t looking at me anymore.

“Let’s go try a game! I can get you that prize really quick.” 

The crowd had diminished enough to expose several open attractions leaving me free to confidently stride over to any game booth. The one I picked had balloons colored in red, blue, and yellow, and three darts to strike them with. I quickly handed the man standing patiently by the booth 5 tickets, and threw dart after dart, missing twice and popping one red balloon. I’d won a green rubber ring.

I turned backwards to face him. “You still want it?”

He grumbled. “Let’s just go find a place to eat.”

We walked past tonight’s various attendees crossing to the lot. Half the vendors continued to serve late coming customers while their other half simultaneously packed expendable instruments. 

“Where to? Tents or we could go for a diner?” 

“Let’s just walk straight ahead.” He was looking down at his phone now. “There’s a cafe ahead.”

We moved past the tents reaching the end of the lot, and looking straight ahead, I could see how little lights the streets forward had. 

“So…” He spoke up. “Where do you think we went wrong?”

“Nothing went wrong, I’ve just been busier.” We’d step onto the streets, now fully out of the park’s glow. “It’s not about forcing it right?”

“Right.” He looked down. “9:49, we could’ve stayed longer.”

“Not much more. Where’s the cafe?” I asked changing the subject.

“Exactly 4 blocks forward. It’s not like we were close before this.”

“We were good friends. Just like now.”

He groaned. “We’re not just that. We’re there for each other.”

We’d moved several blocks by now.

“That’s what makes us good friends.” I stopped to point to a green lit bar I’d noticed across the street from us. “That place is open.”

“A karaoke bar? There won't be food there.” He walked on moodily.

By now the paths of pavement in front of us were apparent in their complete lack of light, and moving forward all that shone through was the bar now behind us. Ahead I could make out what was supposed to be an open cafe.

I now felt anxious. “It’s closed. Karaoke?”

“Sure.” He said calmly. 

We crossed at that intersection and made our way back.

“Why did we start doing this?” I asked childishly.

“I guess I just felt bad for you.” He started marching ahead hastily. 

By now the glimmer ahead consumed us fully in green as we walked fully into it. 

Walking in I’d noticed only two other people inside the bar, and once we were seated they had gotten up as if from cue. 

We were both looking down at our menus.

“They have coffee.” He said his voice now completely straightened.

“Huh?”

“On the house. Saturday special.”

I peered at my menu relieved to see the prices.

“These are the cheapest dumplings ever. $4, courtesy of a bar.” He remained silent.

After the waitress left our table, I realized how pathetic dining would be tonight. I ordered the 6 dumpling entrée and a glass of water, fully intent on sharing. He ordered only a coffee.

“That’s all?” I looked at him. 

“Free is always better anyway.” 

We stayed silent for an uncomfortable amount of time.

I looked at him. “Was it worth it. All this time just to do me a favor?”

“You needed it.” The waitress placed a cup of iced water on the table. “Now I need it.”

“Need me?” I questioned.

His face wrinkled. “Not just you, maybe not you.” A cup of coffee and packets of sugar arrived. He immediately attended to his drink.

He was letting me watch him through our silence as he poured packets of sugar all at once into his complimentary coffee. Through the window I could feel the crowds of people heading opposite the direction we came, bustling through the darkness of the city’s night arm in arm in warmth and cheer.

I rubbed my fingers tentatively on the glass of water in front of me, circling through the smudges of ice cubed fog until they were completely erased expecting soon he’d look at me and break the silence first. Once I felt my own nerves circling inside of me, complacent with my finger prints completely cemented on the glass, I realized a heat inside of me urging to break and to hear out loud what had been building and boiling inside of me since the beginning of our rapport.

“Do you even like me? Just for me?” 

He looked up. “You’re a lot sometimes...you can be stubborn, can’t let stuff go. Too flaky, takes you a while to decide on something. You never have enough time or money and...I don’t always like the choices you make.” 

He sipped his coffee, now fully looking down. “5.”

“What?” That was all I could muster.

“I like you a whole 5 out of 10, if that makes you feel better-”

“You should go home first.” I spoke gently. “It’s okay.” 

He faced me blankly.

“You just don’t like me. We can’t keep escaping.”

“No I guess not.” He seemed ready to leave the table. “You’ll be okay going home?”

“I’ll get a ride.” 

He scurried out of the table, hurriedly out the door.

As I noted to myself he had not looked me at me on his way out, a platter of dumplings was placed on the table.