To the Moon

That night we sat outside for hours, listening to the rain as it fell softly on the rooftop, watching the simple motions of life play out before us, absorbing every second into our memory. Family members danced along to songs blasting from my tio’s heavy-duty outdoor radio. Pure joy emanated from everyone as they rejoiced at the start of the monsoon season. There wasn’t a frown in sight. I allowed myself to participate in the celebration by laughing, dancing, and enjoying those final moments. I allowed genuine happiness to flourish through me before grief would eventually take its place. I looked back at her spot by the door and watched as she smiled back. I wished she was strong enough to join us but I was content to see her in the presence of so much love. When I was able to break away from the crowd, I snuck away to join her.

Our bond had always been a strong one. She was more than a Godmother to me. She was a big sister and the best friend the universe could have gifted me with. We were two halves of the same soul. But father time was no longer on our side. He had given us seven extra years of borrowed time that we weren’t meant to have. 

Was it out of pity? 

It didn’t matter, we cherished it nonetheless. Unfortunately, the time to collect had arrived. We would all have to face the inevitable head-on. Soon our worst nightmare would become a reality, one from which we would not be able to wake. The shadow that had followed us for the last decade had finally caught up, though it was never far away. It lived in the corners of our consciousness, sharpening its scythe in patient waiting.

“How’s your back feeling today?” I asked.

“The walker helps take the pressure off of it. The fall I had jerked some discs loose I suppose.” She giggled, fibbing to the best of her ability.

I nodded my head in silence. I knew her inability to move freely without pain wasn’t from a fall. She tried her best to ensure we never saw her struggle. As I look back on those days I realize that she kept so much pain hidden, so that our memories of her only consisted of good memories. A grand display of her true selflessness. Having as close of a bond as we did, I could see the truth in the hollowness of her sunken eyes. The way her clothes clung to her frail and bony figure. I noticed the dimming of her spirit as she slipped away day by day. I knew the disease never left her. It simply laid dormant, slowly eating away at her as the years went on. Something in my soul told me that tonight would be it, we didn’t get another chance to bond after this. Fate was on its way to collect what it was owed. She was meant to be home, where pain and disease didn’t exist. As much as I wanted to be selfish and keep her on this plane, I knew she deserved better. 

On the surface, I put on a brave face for her, but on the inside, my spirit was shattering like glass. The void hung like a heavy weight in my chest. All I could do was carry the pain, and not let her see the steel walls crack. I held it together until she was no longer here and then let it crumble. I wanted to slow down the hours as they ticked by, and savor every minute left. Make her last moments as normal as possible. If she found out that I knew, all she would do is worry. She always felt it was her job to protect me, now it was my turn to protect her. I couldn’t burden her with my selfish inner struggle.

I found myself staring at her while she watched everyone around her so full of life. I made sure to remember every detail down to the softness of her hands and how she always kept them resting on her lap, fingers intertwined. Her gentle nature and how it radiated warmth. The way her sky-blue eyes always held kindness and compassion in them. The way her pearly teeth shined in the light and brought happiness to everyone around her. How I would miss her smile and the joy it spread. I took in the sweet smell of her perfume, remembered every note in the scent, hoping to store it in my memory for as long as I could. A part of me still hoped this was all just my overthinking mind working overtime. Maybe there was still time for a miracle to happen. Maybe it would come at the last minute and surprise us all.

When it was time to leave, I helped her from her seat and walked her around to say goodbye to everyone. One by one they all hugged her tight and showered her with love. Could they also feel what was coming? I never caught a hint of knowing in anyone’s demeanor. A further reason to believe this was all in my head. I continued to shrug the feeling off, but it remained in the back of my mind nonetheless. Once she said her goodbyes, we walked to her car parked out front by the curb. I could see her husband in the driver’s seat patiently waiting. He had become her rock through the ups and downs of life and I worried about who would be that for him once she was gone.

We stopped midway to the car so she could catch her breath, every step becoming more unbearable for her.

“As soon as my back heals we will go on a girl’s trip, I promise,” she said enthusiastically. “We still need to celebrate your birthday.”

“Of course, we will. I can’t wait. Until then, focus on healing, and don’t worry about me,” I replied.

“One day this will all be a distant memory, one we can laugh about.” She smiled and looked down at her feet. 

I had to force down the lump in my throat and held back the tears as they cast a cloud over my vision. My voice cracked when I tried to respond, but thankfully she didn’t seem to notice. I hugged her for a prolonged time, wondering when I would get this chance again. Knowing deep down it wouldn’t be in this lifetime.

“Love you to the moon,” she whispered, and slowly climbed into her car.

 “And back,” I continued.

There was silence for a few moments as we both struggled to act like everything would be okay.

“Go home and get plenty of rest,” I whispered.

She looked up and held my gaze for what seemed like an eternity.

“I sure will,” she responded with a smile. A slight twinkle in her eye.

We looked at each other with a silent understanding. The rest she so deserved would come. I only hoped I was strong enough to let her go.

As the car drove off I caught a glimpse of the sky above. The stars glimmered like crystals, their light more prominent than usual. The ancient remnants of what used to be, still shining bright billions of years after their demise. My gaze found its way back to the car as it escaped into the night. The taillights got smaller and smaller until they became mere flecks against the blanketed darkness. The lights traveled up and up until they evaporated into the sky. The brightest and most beautiful ray of light reached far into the blanket of stars until it disappeared. I was now staring into a new horizon I had never planned for. A new path I wasn't ready to embark on. I only hoped she’d be there to guide me along the way.