I Once Was Lost But Now I'm Found.

Today is June 20th, 2015. Also today, I received my first journal. My new foster parents gave it to me. I've never had one before, so we'll see how this goes. I guess I should say a bit about myself.

I've always been an outcast. Here I am, seventeen, and still wandering the outskirts like I have for the last ten years. My mother died in a car crash when I was six. My father committed suicide not long after. My older brother, John, and I were put in the foster system. Our first family was awesome. We had three foster siblings who shared everything with us, and our foster parents were the nicest people we had ever met. They were kind to us. They cared for us like they did their own children. There was no favoritism, only fairness and love. But they couldn't adopt us. Our foster father lost his job, and neither social security nor his new job had made the kind of income that legal adoption demanded in our state. It wasn't even enough to allow us to stay there any longer as foster children.

So, we got passed to our next family. They weren't so nice. Both of our foster parents were drunks and only took us for the monthly check the government provided them for our keeping. They kept us alive, but that was about it. At least they weren't mean though. We didn't realize how grateful we should have been for that.

Our next family was cruel. They had a child already, and we were treated like slaves. We did all the chores while their child did absolutely nothing. And when we didn't do something just the way they wanted, they beat us. "Discipline for the unruly" they called it. But it was abuse, plain and simple. We couldn't tell anyone though, because there was no-one else who would take us. We did try. Our agent tried his hardest to find us another place to stay, but he couldn't. And he wasn't properly motivated either. We never did tell him the truth about our situation. We were too scared of what would happen if we told. If the system were to lag at all, which we had had plenty of experience of them doing, in our removal from the home we would likely have been killed, such was their rage when it got stirred. The three years we spent there were the worst of our lives. John ran away after two. He couldn't handle it anymore.

"I love you sis, but I just can't stay," He had said. "Please, come with me." He had pleaded. But I was too scared. And he had left without me. He had left me to fend for myself in that hellhole for a whole year. I thought I would die.

Then, one day in school, we watched an awareness video about abuse in the home. That was when I realized that I could actually do something about this. John wasn't around for me anymore. My safety was up to me. I told my teacher everything, and she raised the alarm, and got me out of that house by the next day.

Now, I'm somewhere new. My new foster parents are OK, I guess. They are kind, but I'm not sure if I can trust them. I've been disappointed too many times in this life not to know better. I am keeping them at arm's length. Especially because they are Christians. I'm not really sure what that means, but my last foster family talked about Christians sometimes. They said they are not to be trusted. That they have standards that kill. Standards that harm. But then again, the ones who told me that couldn't be trusted either, so that leaves me with questions:

"Who can I trust? Should I trust anyone at all? Or should I just survive, and push everyone away?"

September 8th, 2015;

I've been in my new school for a while now. My foster parents have been taking me to church. The whole God thing is still confusing, but I'm starting to understand it a little more now. School has been alright. The kids don't treat me as badly as they have at my old schools, so that's a plus. A good number of them go to my foster parent's church, so I hang around those kids most of the time. They seem nice enough.

October 11th, 2015;

Oddly enough, I'm beginning to trust these people. They've proved their worth, so to speak. They've shown me that they truly care for me. The Youth Group I'm in is pretty cool. This community has really begun to accept me. I'm filled with trepidation at that thought though. One one hand, I'm desperate for companionship, and love, and fellowship. But on the other hand, I'm scared to attach myself to them. I don't want more pain.

December 26th, 2015;

I am now officially a Christian!! I'm so excited!! Jesus has given me a love for these people like I've never felt before. This church that I'm at is my home. My pride and joy. My life. Jesus Christ is now my Lord. It all makes so much more sense now. There is still so much that I don't know, but also, so much that I do. Yesterday was Christmas, and for the first, time, I finally know what it truly means. What we're truly celebrating. It's amazing!! Jesus accepts me, faults and all, and now I've accepted Him. This community accepts me, and now I've finally accepted them as well. They are more like family to me than anything I have ever experienced before.

January 14th, 2016;

Now I know God is at work in every little thing. Today, at church, I was shocked to see who showed up. My first foster family!! Our reunion was a tearful one, but joyful too. My heart feels fit to burst. God has blessed me with everything I could have asked for. I have Him, I have foster parents who love me, I have a church who loves me, I've been reunited with my first foster family. The only thing that could possibly make this any better would be to have John with me too.

May 19th, 2024;

John came to church today. We were in the middle of worship when I saw him. He looked so different, yet I would never be able to forget what he looks like. He saw me too. I'm a wife and mother now. He met my family. My family met him. He hungers for God, and I firmly believe that he is very close to making the choice for salvation. I dearly hope he does. He seems truly remorseful about leaving me, but I assured him that I forgave him long ago. His leaving was a key part in God's plan for my life. So many good things wouldn't have happened if he hadn't. I think that the two of us are going to be ok. We can move on with our heads held high. I so look forward to it.