I'm So Needy--I Apologize!

I’m So Needy—I Apologize!

I love living alone because I can do and have and want what I want when I want it and not have to apologize for being me. I'm staying at my older son's house over Christmas and although I do good things I keep making mistakes I need to say sorry for. I am 75 and he just turned 38 today; when you aren't old yet you don't realize what two different worlds old and young are. And when you are a man, you don't realize all the things women like to do or surround themselves with to feel comfortable that men don't seem to need; for example, we could start with face cream and move on to a comfortable chair. 

Plus, I like to clean

and although his house is in order his patio is always covered with accumulated

blown around leaves and dust. When I walk outside to put my shoes on, I don't

want to step in a bunch of rubbish and dirt. He knew I was hosing off the concrete

once I swept but did not get involved with cleaning, instead busying himself in

his own way rewinding fishing line onto the spool or whatever you call it for

the rod and reel. I even helped him. Then once I continued my hosing, I got

some water under some old cupboards he has stacked out there. Not much but

enough to send him into orbit. He was probably right that water would expand

the wood, so I apologized as he frantically re-stacked the parts of it in the

sun, and moved it out from any accumulated water. There was a big cockroach

living under there and spiders who had to move out which I thought was a good

thing. The outside furniture I cleaned and put back because it had all got

stacked aside during the high winds last week. I even hosed off the dog beds

and set them in the hot sun. Watered the garden too. Even though when I do

something good, I often make a mistake that accompanies it; this time I think

he forgave me because it really looks nice. Plus, I am his mom, and I pointed

out, gave birth to him on this day 38 years ago. He thanked me for that.

Next, I knew I had to

get it together because at any time with little warning, he'd be jumping in the

SUV to take care of the multitude of errands on his list. I have been

reprimanded many times and had to apologize for not being ready and holding up

the "exit stage left” routine. This time I had my bag ready, with my

swimming suit and towel, some snacks, make-up, my current novel--stuff, stuff

women need or at least this woman does.

We eventually went

swimming at one of the mansions by the ocean he manages. Because I've been

complaining and having to apologize for complaining about the lack of a

comfortable chair at his house, I made a stupid crack. On the way out the back

door of the mansion, I made the comment that, "we could steal a couple of

those nice chairs from the dining room." The neighbor had been eying us up

since she did not know us. We do have permission from the owner who is not

there till March, to use the pool, but the neighbor does not know that, so she

was hanging around on the other side of the hedge checking us out. Once I

flippantly said the steal-the-chairs crack, my son turned to me to shush me and

I had to quickly apologize, wincing. I'm wincing again just writing about it!

One other earlier day

when I arrived at my son's, his older son got on my case for everything I had brought.

I stopped in my tracks and listed off all the stuff I needed to bring just for

a place to sleep since they did not have one for me: a folding mattress,

sheets, blankets, pillow. I told him, I'm not just going to lay on the bare

floor and go into some kind of meditative state till morning. I need my stuff!

Shit, whenever I visit

here from my place 60 miles away, I fill my car: bags of food 'cuz why let it

rot at my house, my computer and iPad, charging cords, pens for making the

birthday card. Yep, another bag with folders and paper and notebooks for my Monday

Reedsy class and for editing my "book." Two more novels. Photos I

want to copy with my cell phone and send to people for Christmas, and my

scheduling calendar. There is a bag with all my underwear and socks and

t-shirts and geez, I even leave all my pants, sweaters and shirts in my car.

Then there are my different pairs of shoes that must be kept up and away from

the puppy who steals them. I need these things, use them and don't want to

apologize for bringing them.

We went to two events

so far where I wanted all my things--a concert with his young son and a work

party, both Christmas themed and I needed outfits for both. My son can't

understand why I need all this stuff, and I always apologize but in the same

breath, I want what I want and need. Like where I sleep. I want my water

bottle, a lamp to read by and of course a book, sometimes an ice pack for my

pains and aspirins in case I have a heart attack threat. Socks--one to wear

around the house because I hate the feeling of stepping on stuff or getting my

feet dirty and another clean pair to keep my feet warm in bed. I just want to

have the things I need and not have to apologize for myself every time. Geez.

My son who I love

dearly and who puts up with me endlessly, sees my neediness and has

nevertheless convinced me to join his family in New Zealand this summer. I paid

for my ticket already, so I am going, but I do worry about this dang neediness

of mine. And then he's always telling me stuff like “I only bring two pair of

pants." I'm willing to go but I also know I will stuff as much in my big

suitcase as I can and worry about apologizing for myself and my needs once I

get off the plane.

And just now, when I

asked for ice cream, he teasingly asked me, "where's my birthday

cake" and I had to say, "I'm sorry." He laughed. I made him a

birthday card as the sun came up this morning which I just pointed out. And he

said, "I know; thank you." He really is a dear. Do you believe it, I

brought all this stuff and no birthday cake!!