Thriller Suspense Fiction

Pete...? Yeah. You totally look like a Pete, I'm gonna call you that. Nice to meet you…

So, let me tell you my story. I have always been a lucky person. My motto for life is to go with the flow and trust your instincts.

(Noise of a chair being dragged)

Even when I'm doing things that others would say is a bad idea, everything turns out perfectly. Do you know that old crazy cat lady in the neighborhood? The one who everyone avoids? One day I felt like helping her with groceries and it turns out she's actually a lovely lady and even invites me for coffee now and then. What about the unlucky horse in horse races? I made one grand with the little guy. My gut feeling also helps me out with avoiding unfortunate events like when a businessman offered me a great job position and I refused because something felt off about him. In the end his business ended up on the news for being involved with some crime organization and many got arrested. As you can see, my instincts never failed me… Until it finally did one day. 

(Sound of something heavy being dropped on the ground)

So, it all started last month when I met this girl. She was drinking by herself at a bar that I often go to chill with my friends. Soon as I entered, I noticed her sitting in a chair across the room, with her beautiful blonde straight hair and the pretty red dress she was wearing. It didn't take long till she noticed that I was staring at her and she stared back at me with her blue eyes and smirked as if she found a delicious cuisine, which enticed me to buy her a drink and start a conversation. She reached out her hand and said "Jacqueline". We bonded instantly and we started seeing each other. Throughout the month I learned more about her life and that her parents died which she is still deeply hurt about. Their names were Edward and Lillian and she said they were great parents. They lived with her until the day they died and were always caring for their little baby, which made her really attached to them.

(Sound of tools being rummaged in a toolbox)

She told me that her parents were two lovebirds that always did things together. They always did groceries together, they loved walking at the beach and strolling at the park. Also that they always held hands in everything they did, even at home. And the thing is… She’s so attached to them that even though she isn’t religious, she believes that her parents still live with her, holding hands as they look over her. At first I thought it was cute, but now I just find it creepy.

I also learned that she's a dollmaker that only makes wooden dolls. A bit retro if you ask me but if that’s her thing, who am I to judge? She told me that she likes naming her dolls, which I thought was unusual for someone who would sell them soon and never see them again. The thing I found out about her that annoyed me the most is that she isn’t completely over her ex-boyfriend, but she didn't wanna talk about it and I didn't wanna know the details… I guess I was too in love to notice the red flags in all of this.

(A knife is being sharpened)

Apart from that, Pete, she was lovely! I didn’t expect it at first but she was romantic, caring and fun! Throughout this month we did a lot of stuff, we visited some landmarks, went out to new bars and restaurants. There was this time when we went to eat some pasta and a strand of noodles had stuck to my lips so she leaned over the table and took it out with a bite, I don't know if other people in the restaurant noticed but it totally got me off guard and I even got a bit embarrassed with the situation… When we wanted to stay at home it was always my house the chosen one because she always told me her house was too messy to visit, with dolls all over the place and her tools scattered along the house. So, at my house we usually watched some movies and talked so we learned more about each other. I found out she didn't have any friends or relatives in the town and I told her that I was the same, with a few coworkers that I could barely call friends. 

It was around this time that I started noticing that she was a bit possessive and controlling. I noticed that she snooped through my phone whenever she got the chance, that she opened my email and texts before I even saw that they arrived, I even felt that she didn’t want me to go to work because I would see other people… I felt like she was putting strings on my behavior... 

(Glass crashes)

I guess y’know, right? They were red flags that my guts hadn't noticed or simply decided to ignore.

Around last week she finally decided that she wanted me to come over. She was saying she was gonna clean it up, so I could visit and we would take the next step in our relationship. I wasn't against it, so I waited until she invited me, which happened last night. As y’know, her house resembles a dollhouse with furniture with a unique design. Though the colors didn’t seem to match, like the blue chairs in a yellow table, or a pink sofa with a green carpet right in front of it, and the floor... this weird red wooden floor all over the house that doesn’t match with most of the furniture.

The house isn't too big with one kitchen, a living room that's also the entrance, two bedrooms, one bathroom and a basement. The basement door is between the living room and the kitchen with a corridor on the side that leads to the bedrooms… That’s important, Pete! Focus on where’s the exit!

(A muffled scream interrupt them)

… Aren't you gonna say anything?! Pfft, sorry about that

So, she showed me the rooms and they were just as freakish as the rest of the house. Her bedroom had an antique burgundy flowered wallpaper with a queen size pink bed and an old and big oak wardrobe, that's probably the only furniture that i saw in the whole house with common colors, being brown with some golden details and big enough to fit four adults inside of it. I felt tempted to open it and see what was inside, but as soon as I got close enough to open it, she pulled me by the wrist and took me to see her atelier. The atelier was smaller than the other room and also had colorful furniture, mostly in red and pink tones. There was a red sewing table with a pink chair in the middle of the room, across the room there was a red drawer, and beside it a purple table with an open big chest at the top of it. In the chest there were some tools like a chisel, scissors, screwdrivers, razors, strings, nails… and whatever else you can imagine that a toolbox of an artist would have. The unusual thing about it is that most of the tools had this brownish tint. But all this time I was wondering why I didn't see any of her dolls. I just assumed she locked it away, maybe in the old wardrobe or in the basement.

(Someone is thinking out loud)

Sorry if it feels like I'm rambling too much… It hurts y’know? Anyway, continuing. The night goes on, she's making our dinner while I wait in the living room. All this time I felt like the wardrobe was calling for me as if it's about to tell why it was the only common colored item in the whole house. Then I made an excuse about going to the bathroom hoping that she didn't notice me going to her room… hoping that she was distracted by the lasagna she was making. Getting there, I reached for the golden handle of the wardrobe and opened the left side of it. Only to find clothes. Then I opened the right side of it… and there they were! Two big dolls, around the size of children, maybe, with small bodies and big heads. They depicted an old couple, probably in their 60s and were holding hands. The dolls were made of wood with well-made features like the details in their hands and clothes but the faces took my attention.

(Rubbing sounds can be heard)

Both the hair and the eyes looked super realistic and you can imagine why, right, Pete? There I was, astonished by the dolls, focusing on their silicone skin and how unnatural it looked in comparison with the eyes and hair. That was when I felt someone watching me. And as I closed the wardrobe's door, there she was, Jacqueline, looking at me like I committed a sin, saying “you shouldn't have done that”.

Afterwards her behavior got weird and she got colder and avoided talking with me about regular stuff so I started asking questions about the house and all the peculiar stuff she had, but she kept ignoring me, except when I asked about her dolls names, which she replied: “Ed and Lily”… Funny, no? After that we had our dinner and when we finished, she asked me if I wanted to see the other dolls in the basement. And then, Pete… Was when my instinct failed me the most. With all the bad signs I saw tonight I thought it would be a good idea and accepted coming down here. As soon as I got here and saw you, shocked by what you are, she hit my head with something.

First thing I noticed when I woke up was that I was tied in this damn chair with this damn rope.

(Something is being cut)

I'm sorry for what she did to you, Pete... by the way you look, you probably still are an unfinished doll, there's some remaining skin in your skull. I bet you were her last boyfriend, right? There are at least another four guys in here and I don't wanna be the sixth. That's why I'm struggling to cut this rope. Making some noise talking to you so she doesn't hear me breaking that glass or pushing the chair. The cut that I made with the piece of glass on my hand still hurts and talking helps me ignore the pain. It also helps me stay calm enough for what's coming. I can already hear her footsteps coming to the basement... Wish me luck, Pete.

(The basement door opens)

January 07, 2022 05:11

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Amanda Fox
18:25 Jan 11, 2022

Sinister! And I love the tone you used for this story. Very engaging.


Lucas Hoffmann
22:05 Jan 19, 2022

Thank you, Fawn. Deciding the tone was pretty hard, because I didn't want to make something too hopeless or too hopeful for the main character since his destiny wasn't defined yet


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Libelula Azul
20:05 Jan 11, 2022

Estou assustado, mas intrigado!


Lucas Hoffmann
22:06 Jan 19, 2022

Thanks for the support, Libelula. :)


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Ur Companion
07:50 Jan 19, 2022

What a brilliant story!! fully gripping and i loved the amount of details stuffed in this, masterpiece!


Lucas Hoffmann
22:08 Jan 19, 2022

Thank you, my(?) Companion. Jkjk


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Keya J.
14:32 Jan 14, 2022

Omg seriously, this is amazing! I was at first confused about the parenthesised brackets but by the end, I think it was a great idea. I loved the casual narrative voice yet how strong the impact it makes. I did not expect the twist at the end... at all! A well-constructed story! I see a good chance of this being recognised.


Lucas Hoffmann
22:13 Jan 19, 2022

Thanks, Keya. I actually started the story from the plot twist and made my way backwards till the beginning trying to figure out how to give small clues without making it too obvious. I plan on writing more whenever I have time so keep an eye on my posts :D


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