Petra's New Year's Resolutions

1.  Be forgiving. It doesn’t matter how many times she calls you a pest. Snappy retorts will only make your punishment worse.

2.  Control yourself. No matter how many times she hits you, you cannot hit her back. You don’t want to be locked up again.

3.  Be stronger. Injuries are temporary. You need to keep it that way. Crying like a weakling won’t help.

4.  Be cleaner. Look, your cut got blood on the floor. Clean it up; if you get a beating, there will be even more.

5.  Be smarter with your money. Five dollars a month is perfectly reasonable for someone your age. Saving means nothing if you squander it all on a shiny new knife.

6.  Work harder. How do you expect to avoid a beating if you spend all your time scheming and wasting paper with those plans?

7.  Have patience. She will go to sleep eventually, you know. And for heaven’s sake, stop making so much noise.

8.  Be quieter. A respectful young lady should be seen, not heard. The neighbors probably think you’re murdering someone, with all that noise.

9.  Be a better citizen. If only you had done this before, but noooo. Now you have a body to hide. Great. Just great.

10.  Study harder. How can you think of a good alibi with that B+ average?

11.  Be more confident. Can’t even call the cops to rid suspicion? Disappointing. Get some more confidence, maybe you won’t be a total failure.

12.  Make the track team this school year? Out of the question. If you can’t even clean up the evidence fast enough, then there’s no way.

13.  Control your emotions. There’s no way the cops will believe you’re innocent if you stand there grinning like a maniac.

14.  Be more thorough. Every detail of your story must be as clean and perfect as the house.

15.  Lose some weight, handcuffs should not be that tight. You’re such a pig.

16.  Be respectful; thank them profusely. I don’t care if you’re “literally being arrested,” you mouthy little welp. You do want to come off as innocent, don’t you?

17.  Maintain your eye health. You nearly need glasses already, and staring into that interrogation lamp is not going to help. Do you know how expensive glasses are?

18.   Dress nicer. You already can’t afford a lawyer, and looking like a slob is not an option in court. You want do to win your case, don’t you?

19.  Be more persuasive. If you can’t even win a case, say goodbye to that potted plant you wanted.

20.  Practice being calm in pressing situations. This one seems doable. You didn’t stand through all those beatings for nothing.

21.  Take responsibility for your actions. Wait, what? Guilty?!? I didn’t mean it like that…

22.  Work on your social anxiety/depression. Staying in that cell all day isn’t really going to help, you know.

23.  Be grateful. I know the prison food is gross, but at least you’re being fed. You are a murderer after all.

24.  Waste less. Why do you need paper for your plans anyway? You just end up flushing it down the toilet, which is, by the way, really bad for the plumbing.

25.  Think before you do something. Oh look, your toilet backed up. How surprising. Oh, and a guard is coming. Great plan.

26.  Wait, never mind. That was your actual plan. Okay, delete number 25. Sorry.

27.  Be more prepared. Okay, now the guard’s in here. How do you plan to knock him out? Wait, what are you-

28.  Well, I guess that worked. Who knew a shoe could hurt so much?

29.  Be more environmentally friendly. Did you really have to steal a car? Why not a bike instead? Or get on a bus, there’s an idea. Also, do you even know how to drive? I know she never taught you.

30.  Cut down on shopping. You have plenty of clothes, did you really have to steal that shirt and jeans?

31.  Stop splurging. Your haircut was great, why’d you have to cut it like that? That bob does suit you, but that and the colored contacts were way too expensive! Are you trying to disguise yourself or what?

32.  Oh, you are… okay, sorry. Delete the last two.

33.  What do you mean, you can’t? Why’d you have to write it in pen? Why’d you even do this in the first place? Why- okay, we’re getting off topic.

34.  Have faith. I’m sure a kind stranger will take you in, feed you, hide you, and waste money on you while endangering themself in the process! Okay, there’s no actual way someone will do that, but have faith I guess!

35.  Be persistent. See, that nice man agreed to help you! And it only took 54 minutes of knocking on random doors!

36.  Be honest. Tell him your story! I’m sure he won’t turn you in!

37.  Okay, he called the cops. Time to train for track tryouts!

38.  … why did you have to park the car so far away??

39.  Think before you speak. If you hadn’t said anything you would have been just fine. Now you’re leading the cops on a car chase through town?! Have faith I guess!

40.  Actually learn how to drive. How’d you manage to crash into a streetlight? At least you can escape now. Back to knocking on doors!

41.  Never give up. I know it’s been 2 hours, but at least no one has called the cops yet!

42.  Okay, I take that back. They’re coming.

43.  Hey, that old couple agreed to risk their lives for you! I told you to have faith! Now you can hide and eat.

44.  Be careful who you trust this time- wait, you already told them everything. Well, guess we can trust them.

45.  Be cautious. Lie low for a few years until everything resolves itself, then start work again and learn how to drive. Make sure to thank the couple by giving them the money from your first paycheck. Start a new life and forget everything. Get married. Have kids and be a good mom. Die happy, your mind cleared of her and her toxicity .

 If it doesn’t work, just know you can always try again next year.