The Dope Witch

January 1st, 1996

This is it. The beginning. A new beginning. Today is the day I start my new life. No more running away, no matter how scared or sad or angry or empty I get, I will not fill my body with toxins to escape. I will be coherent, for myself, for my family, I will change. I have to. I can’t keep living a life where I’m paranoid all the time. My mother tells me the things I believe are coming after me aren’t real, that I’ve filled my body with so much booze and drugs, it’s altered my brain…

But it all felt so real.

She’s got to be right, though. Aliens aren’t real, especially not little gray ones that abduct people in the middle of the night…those are just in the movies. There would be so many more people talking about them, the government couldn’t keep that big of a secret, could they?

No. That’s why I’m stopping. This month I will be completely clean, no drugs, no alcohol, I will fix my brain. I won’t keep seeing things that CAN’T be there!

January 2nd, 1996

Day two of being clean. I don’t know if I can do this…

The urges to get spun out…or to grab a drink to lessen these feelings…they’re so strong. It would be so much easier to just…but NO. No. I can’t. I’ve promised her. I’m going to cut it out. 

Last night, while I was trying to sleep, I swear I saw something move, something gray. I know they’re watching me, but I can’t tell anyone. Mom will just say it’s the drugs wearing off, but how can I be sure when they look so real, they appear as though they want to speak to me. I just need to ignore it. It’s not real. It can’t be real.

January 3rd, 1996

Day three. I’m exhausted. Can I really do this? I feel like someone is watching me, like someone knows I’m trying to quit and is keeping tabs to force me to keep using. My supplier is a witch, a Dope Witch is what she calls herself. Would she have cursed me to keep me coming back? I’d bet money she would, greedy bitch. 

Mom called today, she said she’s good friends with the owner of the local grocery store. She’s agreed to give me a position to help me get back on my feet, and maybe get out of this dump of an apartment. I know it’ll be good for me, but being around so many people, I just wonder how many of them will stare at me, knowing all the things I’ve done just by looking at me…

I’ll take the job, I have to, it’s my only option right now, and if I don’t have something to force me out of bed, I’ll just keep lying here, believing in the nightmares. I can do this.

January 6th, 1996

Today was my first day working at the grocery store. It went fine. The manager was nice, but I saw the way she looked at me. I could see the pity as she raked her disapproving glare across my meth inflicted skin. I tried to cover my spots where I picked, but some areas of my jaw and forearms were just so hard to cover…maybe I should quit. Nobody wants a druggie stocking their shelves.

Other than my new manager, I didn’t really interact with anyone, though. That store isn’t ever really busy, and because it’s so small, there aren’t many other workers to run into, so that was a small relief. By the time I was done, though, I was overly exhausted. I haven’t worked that hard in a long time. 

I won’t quit yet. I can fit in fine.

January 9th, 1996

I almost failed today. I’ve come so far, my withdrawals are almost gone, I feel less exhausted, I’m beginning to feel a little less paranoid at all moments of the day. Slowly but surely, I’m cleaning up. The urges are minimal.

Or they were, until I saw HER. Amanda, the Dope Witch. She sells the best stuff, we’ve hung out quite a lot. She actually got me into Witchcraft, something I’ve always been interested in, but haven’t really studied. Maybe I should get back into it? Give myself something to focus on when I’m not at work. 

I hope I don’t run into Amanda again. Seeing her felt like a sign, like it was something telling me to go back, but it can’t be, can it? I need to do better, I can’t run back to the drugs and the drinking. I’m not going to fail. I’m going to stay clean.

January 11th, 1996

I decided to really start looking into Witchcraft. I’ve always felt like there was something supernatural going on, like I’ve always had some kind of sixth sense. I found my old tarot set I stole from Mom when I was a teen. I was kind of an asshole, I’ll admit, but she didn’t use them and it sounded interesting. I tried teaching myself how to use them back then, but it was really confusing, so I just hid them. And now I’m more in tune with my spiritual side, after everything I’ve been through, it was much easier to understand. It’s still a learning curve, but at least it gave me something to focus on today on my day off. 

I did notice, I felt much less paranoid today. I wasn’t peeking through the blinds every couple hours. I was able to focus on the tarot cards, and I watched a little tv. I don’t have anything other than the basic channels, so it wasn’t anything very interesting, mostly game shows and soaps, but I was able to enjoy full episodes. 

I also started thinking maybe I should get a cat. Maybe having something to take care of will help me feel some sense of responsibility. I don’t know. 

January 15th, 1996

I think I’m going to hit up Amanda tomorrow. I swear it’s not to buy from her, I just want to ask her some questions about being a Witch. She’s the only person in town that I know practices witchcraft. I’ve been able to handle my urges pretty well, I think it will be alright. In fact, I’ll invite her over here, so I’m not around her house. I’ll just ask her to bring her witch stuff and show me the ropes. Yeah. That will be fine. 

January 16th, 1996

Amanda came over today. This morning, when I called her, she picked up before the phone even rang once. She answered, saying she knew I was going to be in contact with her soon. She had seen me the other day at the grocery store, and had felt a shift. She had nothing to do so she went ahead and came over. She brought so many things with her. She brought crystals and books and tarot cards and incense. As soon as she showed up, she lit up the incense, she said it helped bring out the energy in the home, to help us feel more connected with nature. It was really thick and heavy, but she was right, soon I felt more connected to the natural currents around me than I ever had before. 

She taught me what the crystals were and what each represented, she taught me how to use the tarot cards by example. I asked the cards if I will ever be as in tune with witchcraft as Amanda, and from what I gathered, they were telling me I would be even MORE of a witch than her. I didn’t tell her that, though. She can have a pretty vicious streak. She finally had to go, but she left me a couple books to read through that would help explain some more of being a witch in tune with oneself. 

I haven’t been this excited about something in…a long time.

January 18th, 1996

I’ve started meditating. One of the books Amanda left mentioned the importance of meditation in the world of Witchcraft, and so far I’ve noticed a difference. I’m much more in tune with the energy around me after I’ve meditated. I burn the thick, dreamy incense Amanda left and just let my mind empty. It’s calming. 

It’s really come in handy when I see THEM. Yes. They’re still there. Watching me. Even when I can’t see them, I can sense them. They call to me. I know they can’t really be there, right? It’s been over half a month, any and all drugs should be out of my system by now, so I would have thought I wouldn’t see them anymore. But it’s like they’re waiting for something.

Are they waiting for me? If only I could take a drink…

January 19th, 1996

I got a cat today. On my way home from work, a scrawny, flea-infested, orange thing hissed as I walked too close to its hideaway in the drain pipe. I didn’t see its mother or any siblings around, so I coaxed it close with a can of tuna I’d bought for dinner. It growled at me as it ate, so I waited for it to finish before I picked it up while it enjoyed its first food coma. I’m letting it nap on my old, scratchy couch while I write. It doesn’t seem to be bothered that I’ve brought it inside. Tomorrow I’ll grab cat food and a litter box. Maybe I’ll even grab a little toy for it. I need to think of a name…

January 21st, 1996

I’ve named the cat Salem. Probably a bit on the nose, but, hey. 

Salem has already been a positive addition. He keeps me motivated. Now, not only do I need to stay on track to keep myself alive and my family happy, but I have to take care of this other being. Before, it was hard, forcing myself to get up and get to work on time. I’ve actually already been late 3 times since I started, but Shannon, my boss, knows what I’m going through, so she has graciously given me multiple chances. But I think I’ll do even better now. 

Salem likes to meditate with me. I think because I’m so in tune with the energy around me, he understands me and what I’m doing. He curls up into my lap when I’m meditating and just likes to purr. Something about it helps me feel even more at one with nature and the energy surrounding us. I don’t know, I think there’s really something there.

Something else, I don’t know if I want to say it in words, in case it jinxes anything, but fuck it. Since Salem has been around, I haven’t seen Them. There’s no whispering, no flashes of little, gray beings. I think Salem might be some kind of protector, keeping them at bay.

Who knows? All I know for certain is that since I’ve been focusing on being a Witch, and finding Salem, I haven’t felt any urge to spin out or to drink away this dull life. I have a purpose now. Something to look forward to every day.

Jan 24, 1996

THAT BITCH STOLE SALEM! That cunt, Dope Witch, Amanda. She stole him. I got home from work today, and my door was unlocked, a rune had been drawn on the ground nearby in chalk. When I got inside, Salem was nowhere to be found, and all the crystals and incense had been knocked around. She came in and fucking took him. I’ll kill her. I’m leaving in a couple hours to go confront her, but I have to wait until it gets dark. I don’t want Them to see me. I can feel them watching me, trying to reach for me without Salem here. I’m sure they can sense I don’t have my protector nearby. If only I had something to drink…

J 25, 96

Fuck. FUCKFUCKFUCK. I think I might have killed her…I saw him when I got there. I saw him in her window, but he ran off before I could get close. But I saw him. She took him. I was so angry…I was just going to hop in and grab him, but then she saw me. I freaked out and shoved her. She fell…her head hitting the corner of her coffee table with a sickening crack…I’ll never be able to get that sound out of my head. I tried shaking her awake, but she was so limp…fuck. I searched for Salem, but couldn't find him, so I came back. What am I going to do? I need out of this. I need a break. I should’ve grabbed some crystal while I was there…or at least taken the bottle of vodka she had sitting out on the table. Anything to numb the chaos going on in my head right now. Anything to help me ignore the Aliens sitting in the corners of my room. They’re watching me. They know what I did. Will they punish me?

Jan 26th, 1996

Salem is back. I found him in my room, he’d gotten trapped in my closet. He was so hungry, and I felt so bad, I let him eat an entire can of tuna. He seems angry with me. He won’t come near me. I wonder if he knows what I’ve done. He has to. He probably hates me now. I should find him a home with someone who can properly take care of him, even if it means losing my protector. He deserves better.

Jan 28th, 1996

Mom came over and helped me clean my apartment today. I had called her a couple days ago, telling her to come get Salem and give him a proper home, but she talked me out of giving him away. I’ve spent the last couple of days earning his trust again. He’s back to his old self, curling up and purring any chance he can get. I’m thankful for it. Him being so close has driven Them away again. Maybe I can move on. Maybe I can just forget everything that happened, and continue trying to live a new, clean life. Though I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to stay calm when I hear sirens. Each time I think, this is it, I’ve been found out, I’ll be locked away. Each time, they go speeding by as I hold Salem close, using his energy to keep myself from panicking. Salem and I will be the only two to ever know what I’ve done.

And Them…

Jan. 31st, 1996

This is it. I’ve done it. I’ve gone an entire month clean. My mom was right, I haven’t seen as many things in the darkness as I did when I was using and drinking, though, I do still sense something is there. But maybe it’s just the energy I feel now as a Witch. Maybe I’m just feeling the energy of something that used to be there or something in another dimension. I don’t know. 

I saw in the local paper that Amanda had been found dead in her trailer. The police are blaming it on the amount of dope they found in her system, say she must’ve tripped and fell, hitting her head. They probably just don’t care what happened to her, just happy one of the local dope dealers is now out of the picture. It’s sad how people can look at those who are addicted and see someone lesser, someone they can view as maybe not even human. Yeah, Amanda is…was a major supplier for many in this town, but she was still human…she deserves someone to properly mourn her, to miss the sides of her that were great. She may have hidden those sides way, deep down, but she wasn’t a terrible person, in fact, I’ll miss hanging out with her and talking about Witch stuff…

But I’m going to move on with my life. I’m going to take care of Salem. I’m going to take care of myself. I’m going to continue working and putting in effort to make my life one worth living, to show THEM that they cannot control what I do or what I’m afraid of. They will stop being what I think about 24/7. I can have a good life. I can do something with it, even if that just means taking care of my cat. This month will not have been for nothing. It was just the first step on a long road. 

I should call my mom and see if she wants to get lunch.