A dialogue in the dark

He woke up again in the middle of the night, alone, his heart pounding. Sleep kept eluded him. Anguish and despair washed over him as soon as he opened his eyes. He sat up straight moving the thin woolen blanket he used to cover himself and examined the trees around him. The night was warm and quiet but he couldn’t find peace. He checked his tattered clothes and muddy boots. His appearance messy and dirty, as it should be since he was on the road for many days. His armor was laying on the roots of a tree next to him. It was missing many small parts here and there, and it had tiny patches of rust everywhere. His sword was also laying there. A strong piece of rope held it tightly hilted. The small fire had been reduced to embers. He poked it with a stick and threw a log in it. His mind started wandering and suddenly tears carved his face in places where they ran all the previous nights. He didn’t fight them, didn’t try to hold them back.

A familiar figure came out of the woods and sat across him. It wore a finely tailored three-piece suit of dark grey colour. The trousers’ crease was perfectly ironed, his white shirt almost reflective of the little firelight, the tie’s tiny patterns were almost non-existent. He had his jacket open so the vest could be visible. A thin golden chain of a pocket watch was dangling with every step. Everything was matched in perfect harmony. His brown hair and beard were very well groomed. His appearance was the exact opposite from the ragged man sitting across him.

- I see you still struggle Crusader, said the well-dressed figure smirking.

- When will it be over, the Crusader asked, his spirit broken.

- It will never be over, you know that. What did you expect, returning from a war of faith and fury?

- I… I thought we were doing God’s work, he answered while wiping his tears with his hand.

- Ah, yes, God’s work. Isn’t it always the case? Please tell me, what did you do in His name? What did you see on that bloody path?

 - Darkness… And violence... Innocent lives extinguished in the name of righteousness, his despair grew with every word.

- Righteousness, the well-dressed man repeated. How righteous is it to wield a sword drenched in the blood of those you swore to protect?

The words hit him like a hammer leaving no air in his lungs. He didn’t speak for a few minutes.

- I… had no choice, I was following orders.

- Ah yes, you were following orders. You certainly won’t be the last to use that excuse, said the figure making it apparent that he was enjoying the conversation.

- It was a holy mission, the Crusader answered knowing that there was no truth in his words.

- Was it now? Do you remember the city, Crusader? The one that finally broke you?

- Of course I remember, he replied, his voice almost a whisper.

- That is where you saw the child, wasn’t it? The innocent girl that looked at you with no emotions left in her eyes. It was only for a moment but that look will stay within you until the end.

- I know, the Crusader said defeated, his tears started anew.

- She had just watched her house demolished and her parents slaughtered. Her whole world destroyed in an instant like that, said as he clicked his fingers. And what did you do, Crusader?

- Please stop, he managed to mumble, as if he was saying it to himself.

- You “righteously” stood and watched as one of your “holy” brothers drove his sword in her stomach, killing her too.

The Crusader did not speak. Every sentence was dripping poison, damaging his soul even more. He watched his tears wet the soil beneath his feet, wishing it was his blood instead.

- I couldn’t save them, he said trying to find something to hold on to.

- You could have stopped it, said the figure coldly. At least you could have tried. You could have raised your voice, but you didn’t. And now here we are.

The Crusader said nothing. He could still hear screams and flames and boulders thrown from the catapults destroying buildings and killing people.

-Tell me Crusader, said the figure smiling deviously. I assume you remember the joy you felt when you joined the Crusade. Do you still feel it?

- What more do you want from me, Devil? Why do you torment me so?

- I am your reflection Crusader, the darkness within you, said the Devil sounding almost as if he was trying to give comfort. I am the embodiment of your sins, your guilt. I am the price you must pay.

- I cannot bear it anymore. What must I do to find peace, to make amends, he asked crying.

- Ah, but you see, peace is not meant for souls like yours, said the Devil with a slight smile. You will wander the land forever knowing that your very soul is a battleground between redemption and damnation.

- There must be a way.

- There is one. Embrace your darkness, your cruelty, your malice. Become the demon you fear and you will know no torment, for you will become torment itself.

- I cannot. I will not become that which I fought against.

- Then I’m afraid you will never find the salvation you seek, answered the Devil in a serious tone as he stood up. There are no amends you can make for the innocent lives you took. You can never bring them back. You can only carry the weight of your sins for all eternity, nothing more. I will personally make sure of that.

He said and left as softly as he appeared.

This inner dialogue made the Crusader see clearly what the future held for him. He had chosen self-exile in a desperate way to atone for his actions, but that wasn’t enough. It will never be enough, he knew that now. He will never find peace, for the Devil was within him, a part of his soul. A manifestation of the horrors he caused and witnessed. A manifestation that will be there to remind him in many vivid ways what he chose to do with his life, until the end of his days.

With a heavy heart he laid down. The Devil’s bellow of a laughter rang through the forest giving start to the Crusader’s eternal torment.