Confessions of a drifting mind

Today is March 13, 2025. I am stressed

I am bald, so I do not have to worry about hair loss from all my stress.

That is the silver lining, quite literally because I see lines of white hair on my face

An average looking bald, brown guy, with white hair on his face does not look Good.

But I have made my peace with my looks.

But I have bigger problems.

I will turn 40 in exactly 52 days.

In 52 days, I will be 40 YEARS OLD

In less than 20 days I will also have our first child.

Turning 40 is stressful

Turning 40 in a country where your President doesn’t exact love people who look like you is stressful

Turning 40 in a country where the President’s best friend has 15 kids from 5 diff women and whose favorite new toy is a chainsaw is stressful

Becoming a parent for the first time is also stressful

To sum it all up- Becoming a first parent, a few days before turning 40 in a country’s whose President does not love people like you is very very very stressful

And so me, who is very stressed is also now responsible for a tiny human being who has no idea about any of the things that are stressing out his parents, but who is also stressed out because he has been taken out of a pretty nice cozy place that HE called home- my wife’s belly.

Guess no likes to leave Home, after all. But we must, to grow up and explore life.

That is what I told myself when I left home- 11 years ago.

To come to the US for an MBA

I learnt to cook, to clean the house, clean the bathroom, do the dishes

I did not any of that stuff back home. We had maids- or “house help” as is the politically correct term nowadays.

I am out for Shopping now. To get somethings from the store.

The car seat is ready, set up, ready to welcome its first and only occupant.

When they say precious cargo, and fragile in the same sentence, are they talking about babies?

Will my life be the same, ever again, after we bring home the most precious, cargo of our lives?

Do I even want my life to be the same?

Isn’t the real and only reason to have kids because you don’t want your life to be same ?

But now that his arrival is so close, I find my mind drifting away, very frequently nowadays

Where did the past decade ago, my 30’ s

We had a great run, my dear 30’s. It was great.

We had fun, we travelled, we became sincere.

I became a financially “responsible” man.

I opened an investment account, opened a 401K, even added some risky stocks to my portfolio.

But did not something as stupid as getting a Peloton Bike!

I will leave Gen Z to do that sh*t

I wonder how my life will be 10 years in to the future.

When I am a few weeks away from turning 50.

Where will I be, what will I be doing?

Will I still be working 9-5?

Would AI have taken over the world or will we look back at Chatgpt and say – What a scam that was !

Will I look really old or would I finally have those flat abs that I have dreamt about?

Not something crazy like those models in the Jockey Ads

Just a regular set of flat abs will do.

Of course, all of this assumes that I will be alive and healthy,

And that the Earth will still be around.

Would Trump still be around?

Will my parents still be around?

I was incredibly Lucky and blessed that I made it through my 30’;s having my parents .

Will I be so lucky in my 40’s ?

That is the thing that really trips me up nowadays

Especially when I am alone .

The fear of my parents mortality while preparing for my son's arrival is the most confusing feeling I have had in a long time

I see my parents for a few weeks every few years.

In many ways, I am a “visiting son", someone familiar, someone really close but also not near. Like a old movie you really enjoyed watching many times when you were younger but now you just a catch a scene on You tube in passing .

Its hard to visit often when you live 10000 miles from each other, but still…

Its only as I becoming a parent myself that I have started thinking about my own parents. Really deeply

The first realization was letting go of all the grudges and complaints and some anger that I had.

Knowing that my son could have the same feeling against me someday, is scary

I cannot change that, but I am hoping me letting go of my own complaints against my parents, would somehow reduce my son’s anger against someday

Is this  peace offering a selfish one? Does it make it less significant though?

My dreams have changed too.

Suddenly I care less about that elusive, promotion

But I care a LOT about money

I know we have enough.

But the question comes up in my mind quite frequently- Will it be enough for my son ?

I keep doing mental math to know if we can manage for a year, if I get laid off tomorrow?

I never cared too much about such these things earlier. But now I do?

They say, the best way to like your job is to get a mortgage.

Try having a child.

Suddenly you LOVE you job 😊.

I should get a photo of my boss by my bed side table. To Thank him before I go to bed and as soon I get up

My wife suggests that I should also plant a good night kiss to the photo.

She is VERY open minded.

5 years ago in March, I got my first driving license at the tender age of 35

I was so old when I got my driver’s license that I felt awkward to use the “student driver” sticker

When I went for my driving test, my fellow “students” were teenagers or senior citizens

There were many stories I told myself to stop trying to learn driving. I had tried many many times all throughout my twenties.

Some stories (and facts) I told myself included, but not limited to:

1) 1M die every year in car accidents globally

2) More than 50, 000 die from car accidents in US every year

3) Why would I want to risk my life, learning to drive this literal death machine ?

4) Life is so much better when you have someone else driving the car for you

I was the premium member for Lyft and Uber.

Every month I spent around $400-$500 on these ride sharing services.

But life changed when I got married.

Five years ago, In March, when the world shut down and we all wondered what is next.

I had my driving license, and in that sadness , with my first and only driving license in my hand I felt freedom that I had never experienced earlier.

We could just go driving anywhere.

Like a kid learning to walk . I could go anywhere, on my own

Five years later, a new world is opening for me, and I wonder again- what’s next ?

Its scary, its joyful and lots of unknowns.

But this a journey, we will go together

Maybe in a few years when we only have self-driving cars that also double up as a DJ and can take us all over Mars, I will tell you about some of the other naughty things I did in cars, till then my son

Welcome Home. We love you. We cannot wait to Hold you, and show you what we have in store for you