I'm Sorry I Was Clingy

After a while, you stop noticing it—the self-damaging tendency, the sleepless nights, the silent thoughts that follow you around like a curse. After a while, it all just feels normal. Sure, it doesn’t make it feel better or easier; you just kind of expect it. Soon, your friends will stop questioning it as well. They don’t ask why you’re not eating or talking; they just know this is just you being you, or you just having a bad week, you’ll be fine next week, you always are. It’s hard to tell if they just got used to it or if they don’t care anymore. I don’t mind either way. I don’t care anymore, either. The weeks leading up to it were surprisingly calm; it just felt like any other school week. I walked to school with my partner, sat in my usual spot in class, and even got a B+ on my English test. I hung out with my normal friend group and even talked to them, and I won’t lie; in those last few weeks, I clung to my partner like glue. I don’t really know why; I think I was subconsciously trying to change my own mind, or maybe I just wanted to spend as much time with them as possible before I left. I could tell it annoyed him. I felt quite bad, but I just couldn’t bring myself to pull away. I love him so dearly, he is my everything.

I stopped sleeping close to my time, my world started feeling like a dream, I felt empty, and the world didn’t feel real. The colours of my world faded, everything seemed gloomier, and the days stretched out like years. It felt like at any second I could wake up, and it could all be over. I started wearing masks to school again as well, it made it easier to hide the empty look on my face. I started acting out when I was around my parents as well. I was tired, hungry and completely empty. I didn’t mean to lash out; I barely even remember what I said to them, but they were angry. The day after I lashed out, I was tempted to ignore the plan and act right there, in the middle of school. That morning, one of my friends was joking about killing themselves because of a test, and another was already upset. I decided the day wasn’t about me today; they were already stressed and needed help, and I wouldn’t take that away from them, so I stuck to the plan.

The night I had planned to do it, my partner asked if I wanted to go out with him. I agreed. I thought, “What’s wrong with one last day with them?” At dinner, I was clinging to him again, leaning on his shoulder as he ate his meal. I only stole a few chips of his plate throughout the night. I didn’t realise I was annoying him. I only realised something was wrong after he drove me home. I asked him if he wanted to stay a little longer; my plan could wait. But he said he didn’t want to. At first, I assumed he was just tired, until he barely hugged me, or even touched me. Normally, when he drops me off at home, he pulls me into a huge hug and kisses me all over my face. This time, it was just a side hug and a quick peck on the lips. I tried to ask him what was wrong, but he said it was nothing and turned to leave. I called out that I loved him as he wandered back to his car, but he never replied. At least he knew that I loved him, even if he didn’t love me anymore. I knew I messed up then, but what more was to be done? After this day, he would never have to worry about me again.

I snuck inside and crept into the kitchen. Quickly, I pull open the pill cabinet, grabbing my sister’s sleeping meds and my Mum’s pain killers. I pull open the fridge and grab one of my dad’s bottles of wine, I had to try it at least once before it was over, right? I run to my room, gently closing my door behind me and locking it. I walked to my desk and grabbed the notes I had written weeks prior, placing them on my desk, one for each of my family members, my best friends and my partner. I sat down on the edge of my bed and pulled out the pills and alcohol. un-screwing the lid, I took a quick sip. It tasted terrible. But it was supposed to make this easier, so I pulled out the pain killers and popped them all in my mouth, followed by a long sip of alcohol. I did the same with the sleeping pills and slipped under the quilt of the blanket. I’ve done my research and apparently this is the best way to go. As I begin to feel drowsy and my eyes feel heavy, I sigh a sigh of relief. It’s over, It’s finally over. I’m free. My only regret was leaving my boyfriend alone. I know he suffers every day, filled with guilt. He thinks it’s his fault, and I would do anything to tell him it’s not his fault, it was never his fault, it was my fault, I chose this, I chose to die, it was no one’s fault, it was all me. I just wish I could say sorry for being so clingy and for being so selfish, leaving you alone to fight the world. I hope you can find a way to be happy without me.

Goodbye Josh, I’m so, so sorry, I promise I tired to stay I really did, I tried to stay for you but I couldn’t, so now I’ll watch over you, and wait for the day I can see you again.