Teenagers Anthem

I went to the pool today. Not "that" pool. Though if you were going to a pool anyway, it wouldn't matter one way or another. When I got to the pool, Lucia was there. That Lucia.Could she be anymore weird?

"What's that?" she said.

"My knee?" I said.

"No, what's that on the floor?"

I looked behind me and saw, to my great chagrin, a small scorpion, lying on the floor and poised to strike. In fact, I don't remember the last time I saw one of those. It's amazing what nature can do when it's determined.

"It's a scorpion?"

"A scorpion? Eww! Gross!"

"Don't be a noob. Scorpions are part of nature's torture chamber."

"More like nature's icky chamber."

"What's your name?"

"You already know my name. Don't make me put you on blast..."

"No, I'm serious. What's your name?"

"That all depends."

"Oh what?"

"What are you gonna do with it? You gonna put a ring on it?"

"Marriage before the first date? That's nice."

"Well, I guess since the desert forest is out, we should probably watch our backs."

"Well, that is true. You ever seen a snake?"

"Eww! Gross! They're so slimy. I hope I never saw one. I really hope I didn't."

"Snakes aren't that bad. Especially with ketchup."

"Eww. Now that's gross. I would never put something that long and slimy down my throat."

"Why are you so weird?"

"Why am I so what?"

"Why are you so weird?"

"Because the world broke the contract."

"What contract?"

"Well, they totally didn't let my Instagram blow up. You know?"

"Oh? You're on Instagram?"

"No joke."

"No joke?"

"No. Joke."

"What do you post on Instagram."

"Ice crocheting."

"Ice what?"

"Ice crocheting."

"What the? What's that?"

"Crocheting with ice."

Just then, Billy walked up behind us. It was a fortunate situation, because I wasn't all that sure that Lucia was on the up-and-up. At least that's not how it seemed. As Billy walked towards us slowly, I was reminded of the many meetings I'd had over the years.

"What's up, ladies?" said Billy.

"What?" I said, incredulous.

"I said what's up ladies?" said Billy.

"Look who's got jokes!"

"Jokes?" said Lucia. "I didn't know you had a sex change."

"We're getting a divorce if you keep it up," I said.

"Well," said Billy. "Tell me about it."

"Tell you about what?" I said.

"Tell me about your new wife."

"My new wife? Who said I had a new wife?"

"Well, your wife, for one."

"No, no, I think you misinterpreted."

"Misinterpreted what? Your new wife? Or your fragrant aroma?"

"What are you talking about, man?"

"Yeah, what are you talking about?" said Lucia.

"Didn't they always say the marriage bed is undefiled?"

"I think you are misinterpreting."

"Misinterpreting?"

"Yes."

"Misinterpreting what?"

"Everything."

"You're sure?"

"Are you sure?"

"Who's her favorite One Direction impersonator?"

"You wouldn't!"

"Would I?"

"You think this is a game? Lives are at stake!"

"How many children do you have together?"

"I'm still a child myself."

"That's not what you were saying last week when you were talking about Miss Serverson's boobies."

"Well, I, I..."

"Well, what?" said Lucia. "Somebody's got a wandering eye."

"I want you to know something." I said. "I'm not going to be there when you fall."

"You'll be there when I throw away the scraps!" said Billy.

"Very funny."

"All you have to do is be quiet and take the kids for a walk. Get the stroller. D-Von! Get the stroller!"

"Very funny. What do you do for an Encore entree? Do you sing a dirge?"

"Oh, now who's making fun? I told you. Encore entrees are a family tradition. Going back to..."

"I know. Going back to General George S. Patton in the Revolutionary War."

"What is that?" said Billy, pointing at the scorpion.

"It's a scorpion," I said.

"What's it doing here?"

"Applying for most-favored-nation status. How am I supposed to know?"

"What?"

"I said that I'm not the CEO of the forest. I don't know."

"Well, let's say for instance that you were the president of the forest."

"What?"

"Let's say you were president of the forest. Just for one moment."

"What are you getting at."

"Would you have a 401(k) rope?"

"A 401(k) what?"

"Would you have a 401(k) rope? This is important information."

"Don't you mean vine?"

"Wait, what's a vine?"

"It's a natural rope."

"A natural rope? What's that supposed to mean?"

"I mean that a vine is a natural rope."

"Aren't all ropes natural?"

"What?"

"I said, aren't all ropes natural?"

"You're trading in danger, buddy."

"What do you mean? I mean, honestly, there can't be a rope that isn't natural."

"That would certainly help Cirque DU Soleil."

"Well, what's the animal doing here?"

"I told you, I'm not CEO of the forest."

"Don't scorpions belong in the desert?" said Lucia.

"In the what?"

"I said, don't scorpions belong in the desert. I've never seen a scorpion in the forest."

"You've been to the forest, Lucia?" said Billy.

"What?"

"You've been to the forest?"

"Yes, and I..."

"When?"

"What?"

"When were you in the forest?"

"My dad took us camping as kids."

"You're a homegrown Girl Scout?" I said.

"Well, I know where this is headed," said Lucia.

"You were raised by wolves?" I said.

"No, you were raised by Jay Leno?" said Lucia.

"I asked you first!"

"I rebuked you second!"

"I'm sad to interrupt this lovers' quarrel, but..."

Just then, the scorpion began to move. It was slow at first, but as it moved it became more determined. I looked at it as it made its progress. It would have been fine if not for my inherent dislike of being poisoned.

"Well, your presidential motorcade just rolled away," said Billy.

"Very funny."

"Is it very funny or is it funny very?"

"It's neither."

"Well, I'm going to let you two heartthrobs tear the house down with your toenails while I go and take a powder."

"Better keep a Tesla."