The Space Between

Tingling. That is the word that described her being at the moment. She felt her body tingling. It was like she could feel her insides moving. She has been alive her whole life, an obvious statement, but being alive and feeling alive are not the same. She could feel herself being alive. 

It was a simple effect, brought on by the simplest of interactions with another human. Humanity at its purist. The simplicity of, boy likes girl or girl likes boy.

She couldn’t tell you when it changed, from him being a man she knew to a boy she liked. She wasn’t even sure why she liked him, but she felt him. Anytime he was near, she felt him.

You always think you’re too old to feel that way again, like you did when you were twelve years old and had a crush on a boy. You are supposed to be more mature than your feelings, but feelings are not logical. They do not follow age. Feelings are physical, and there’s nothing more biological than attraction. There’s nothing more innocent than a girl liking a boy, even when that boy is a man. You may outgrow your twelve year old body, but the pure innocence of liking someone new, you cannot outgrow that. 

She couldn’t tell you when she decided to be attracted to him, because she never made the choice. There are people you can objectively declare attractive, to society or by your personal preference. That comes with the first impression. Most of those attractions fade into the people once you know them. It’s not to say you can’t objectively see them as attractive anymore. It’s more that they become more than looks to you. 

Then there were people like him….

Rushing. That is what her blood was doing, her heart, her insides. Everything was rushing, pooling throughout her body. She has always had blood pumping in her, but rarely do you feel your blood moving in you. She could feel it seep into every corner, warming, trickling. 

He made her body tingle and her blood rush. She couldn’t even tell you the exact moment it happened. Maybe he always had a subtle effect on her, that slowly built over time, until one day it was big enough to reach out and touch her, filling the space around her. All she knew was that one day it caught her attention, like his hand grazing her shoulder. It was a subtle movement, not caught by anyone but her. If anyone else had done it, she may not have noticed it. Maybe he had even done it before, but she had never felt it. She felt it now. How strange to have such a simple gesture catch you off balance. How odd to have something so simple shift an entire moment.

She always tried to tell herself that she was practical, grounded, making well thought out decisions based on logic. Then her body took over when she was around him. The space between them was heavy. Oxygen was there, but her breath was raspy. Their bodies may not have been touching, but they were tethered by an inanimate space of opaque air. 

She would fall into that space, getting trapped in it whenever he was around. It was thick air. She couldn’t understand how no one else saw it. 

Did he see it? Did he feel it?

Disconcerting. That is how the feeling sits, yet she wants it to sit. She wants to sit in it. It’s an odd feeling to want to feel uncomfortable, disconcerted. It’s odd to want to not be able to breathe normally, to want to feel that fuzzy feeling in your gut as blood rushes through it, like you are digesting something that isn’t part of your normal diet. It’s odd to want to hear your heartbeat, like it’s pounding in your ear and not your chest. All of these things should be concerning, really. The way the body can react to a particular person with such an aggressive pull that all your normal bodily functions are screaming at you. It all seems indicative to flight mode. But you can’t move. You are paralyzed. This should all be terrifying. Yet... you want it. 

She tried to reason with it, this reaction he gave her. She would ask herself all the questions that would lead to a plausible explanation. But oftentimes, on the way to trying to answer, she would end up in space, thinking nothing. She would just sit in that feeling of complete bodily chaos. All she had to do was think his name, and it would flood her. She was sure there were logical explanations to the effect he had on her, but she didn’t need one. 

The more time she spent in his space, the more she wanted to spend in his space. It wasn’t even about talking to him, though she liked that too. She just wanted to feel him around her.

Could he see it? Could he feel it too?

Electrifying. That is what she felt when his finger finally landed on hers. The tingling that had been bubbling in the space between them flipped a switch. Everything was standing on end. It was strange how something so simple could feel so vibrant.

She was twelve again. She was at a movie with a boy she liked. He was holding her hand, but they weren’t really holding hands. His thumb was moving over her palm, her index finger lightly grazing the top of his knuckle. They were doing that thing that two people always do at first, when the light switch is finally flipped on. They allow themselves the little lightning bolts to jolt through their skin every time their fingers move small circles within each other. Tingling. Rushing. Disconcerting. It’s that fuzzy feeling that moves in your body, warming you.

She was no longer twelve. This was something she had felt before, but it didn’t matter. The first time with someone new, is always like the first time. She was a girl who liked a boy. And he saw it. He felt it too. It was a feeling caught in infinity. Even after the lights came on, they didn’t move. They sat together, letting the space between them evaporate.