No such thing as should've, would've, could've

The whole goal was flawed from the core. She wanted to work in an advertising agency but refused to see that she was wrong about the whole thing. The worst part was that she wouldn't let go of her failing degree because it kept her goals paralyzed in a stagnant state. Her friends lost their respect of her as she dwindled in wastedness. And things got increasingly worse. Her former friends passed by her refusing to reach out because she was in such a pathetic, self-inflicted situation. The fact that she couldn't see the weight of her stubbornness was unbelievable. She didn't apologize and was always desperate for work. She was close to changing things when she almost dropped out but the uni told her she did in fact, graduate. Her GPA was 2.4 which meant she couldn't do a masters degree. Her biggest issue was that she wasn't working in an advertising agency and it was going to send her to hell.

It started one night. A man would appear on a regular basis to scare her. He would leave threats in her washroom on the mirror. Writing words like: I'm here. She didn't know what to do. She would run down to her lobby and tell the concierge that someone was after her. She would sit shivering in terror. Unsure of what was happening to her. The threats would disappear in the morning and it would be like nothing happened. Until one day she heard a voice saying that the zombie apocalypse was upon the world. Her biggest fear was zombies. So she looked outside looking for clues of any zombies. She called her mother crying. 

"Who is doing this to me?" She begged. She didn't know what to do. Her mother calmed her down. 

The day after that she was walking around when she heard the voice again. This time it was about mutants being released to kill her. She ran into a McDonald's and as she was crying begging them to call the police because "mutants were coming". 

Her doctor said she must be schizoaffective. Something she didn't fully understand. The voice seemed like it came from another dimension deliberately egging her on. She never felt safe. She was scared on a continuous basis. She would sprint out of her apartment with no shoes, in the winter fully believing that she was being chased. She had a scary thought that a doll turned axe-murderer was after her. 

She didn't know how to explain what was happening to her. It was too embarrassing. Especially because it would only happen at night so she thought people would say she was just scared of the dark. The voices would keep annoying her. Whenever she felt brave she would stay in her apartment but sometimes the fear was so overwhelming that she'd run out looking for security. Was this all because she had her eyeballs glued to the wrong thing?

She wasn't sure if it had to do with how she was leading her life. Her stubbornness about working for an ad agency might have triggered the voices. She should've known better. She always wanted to be a writer but her greedy eyes might have flushed that down the toilet. Whenever she got mad she thought how she would've been happier if she became a nurse. Now the future felt dense, and gloomy. She didn't like science that much. She was open to becoming a teacher. And then studying English so she'd have a proper degree. It hadn't all disappeared had it? I don't want to be lamer than I already had been. Sometimes mistakes happen but it didn't mean losing the whole game, did it? She was reading a book around eight at night. Her wretched existence distracted her from the book. She wasn't even much a reader. She remembered how she lost her love for movies. It was a clear moment in her memories. She was in bed and she could hear her words being twisted. Her thoughts were all being twisted against her. Her fear of not being a creative led her to lead an uncreative life. She was a lone wolf. And she could've just dropped out but instead she was comfy blaming others for her decision not to. She was just comfy in her state of fear. She initially wanted to be a filmmaker but that was too scary for her. Staying in that undergrad was the biggest mistake in her life. She just had to let go. And find a way out. All the issues were issues that only existed in her head. She felt so stupid. 

I don't want to be a nurse she thought. Just because I wasted so many years relying on something so flawed doesn't mean I should give up. I can still do another undergrad and it can be in English so I can be a teacher. At least it'll be close to something she initially wanted. She cried, not sure if she was being heard. I won't give up, she thought. She had more to worry about. Her parents were getting older and she was worried about who would support her when they died. They were the only supportive voices in her head. She grew nervous. She had to become a writer. She knew she could be a writer. Despite wasting her youth living with her parents. All she had to do was untangle the issues in her head. She was in a journalism program to begin fixing the issues. But she wasn't sure if she could do it. It was unclear what her future held. She didn't know to change the past. And her future looked gloomy. She had lost all her friends and was unmarried. She even missed a friend's wedding when she should've gone. Another friendship down the toilet. She felt an empty hollow pain in her stomach. How could she have allowed herself to be so blind, so greedy, and so delusional? She sat up from her bed and smoked a cigarette. “I should've known better”. It shouldn't have taken her so long to realize the mistakes in her logic. Now people were paranoid about showing her their creations because she'd get jealous. It was a pissy situation. She didn't need to be forced into such a position.