The Inside Out Love Life of Sherman Banks

Without going into boring details of the rumor fueled imagined plague that wiped out tens of millions of imaged people, let’s cut to the chase. So many people believed in the rumor and in the trumped-up photos showing persons with flesh eaten from their bones the nation turned into two groups of people; Insiders and Outsiders. Insiders stayed indoors, Outsiders dared to go out. Food, cloths, medical, legal and spiritual advice, any possible need an Insider may have was satisfied by delivery or through apps, including the need for female companionship. Most Insider males had two or more female companions. Sherman Banks had one, her name was Andrea. 

Andrea met Sherman just two weeks after first joining the service. She had just finished two weeks of training and Sherman was her first online companion encounter. They hit it off right away. She was so perfect Sherman came to think she might be an artificially intelligent model. One night after sharing a movie and before going to bed, Sherman confronted her about it, “Andrea, you’re so perfect. You’re everything I ever wanted in a companion. Sometimes, it’s hard for me to believe you’re really real.” Andrea pouted in the way she knew Sherman wanted a pout to be and asked, “What do you mean?” “Let’s face it they can do anything with technology these days. I’m sure there’s an algorithm out there that fits me to a tee.” Andrea giggled. Sherman liked the way she giggled, “Sherman Banks, you think I’m an A.I.!”

Sherman immediately retreated, “No! I mean, all I’m saying is you’re so perfect for me, you could be an A.I.” Andrea smiled and turned coy, “How can I prove to you I’m not?” Sherman had painted himself into a corner he both did and didn’t want to be, “Um, I don’t know. Let’s just forget it, okay. Really! You know what, I don’t care if you are or aren’t! You’re so, well… perfect!” Andrea became serious, “It matters to me Sherman.” “It does?” “You think I don’t feel the same way about you?” “You do?” “Exactly the same! For all I know you’re an A.I. made to fit some algorithm of me.” They stared longingly at each other across the ZOOM screen they shared. “What are we going to do?” Sherman asked. Andrea shrugged, “Well, they say no A.I. is ever 100% perfect. One eye’s blue the other one’s pink, that kind of thing.” Sherman repeated, “Okay, so what are we going to do?”

Andrea sighed, “Get naked silly!” Sherman’s eyes blossomed, Andrea continued, “We’ll both take our clothes off and turn around slowly so we both can see all of us front and back.” Sherman’s jaw dropped, “all of us?” “It’s the only way we’ll know for sure.” After a brief pause to allow the concept to sink in, Andrea stood up, “I’ll go first.” The lovely, girl-next-door calmed herself with small talk as she unbuttoned her blouse, “I got this blouse at Silkees dot com. It was free, well, not exactly free. I had to spend $500 to earn the credits.” Andrea stood shirtless and with no bra. Sherman’s eyebrows lifted to never before achieved heights. Andrea blushed and said, “I never wear a bra when I’m with you.” Sherman felt something move toward his pocket. 

Andrea began to unbuckle her pants and stopped, “Sherman, take off your shirt.” Sherman hesitated, Andrea insisted, “It’s only fair.” After swallowing half his tongue, Sherman peeled off his shirt and now stood topless as well. Andrea eyes sparkled, “You’re so beautiful Sherman.” Sherman felt as the thing achieved al dente firmness and altered its course. “So are you Andrea. It’s like a fantasy.” Andrea nodded, “Okay, I’ll take my pants off first,” and was soon standing totally nude on Sherman’s PC monitor, “Your turn.” Sherman was sweating shotgun shells. He stood, exhaled a lungs worth, unzipped and his cargo shorts fell to the floor. The thing, now fully engaged, stretched at the fabric of Andrea’s imagination! “Oh my Sherman, what’s that?” The man-boy recluse shrugged, “Um, it’s uh, an erection.” Andrea threw her hands up impatiently, “Well! Let me see it!”

Sherman hesitated. Andrea tried to reason, “Sherman, it’s the one place A.I. almost always screws up!” Sherman, ever the uncurious, failed to inquire how Andrea came about this knowledge. He just yanked off the undies and presto, there it was. Andrea examined it closely from all angles then cocked her head in admiration, “That’s a beauty, it’s the real McCoy all right.” After an even more intimate inspection on her, Sherman came to the same conclusion. The moment was a close to true love the two had ever felt to that point.

After that, their Insider relationship flourished. They created a shared music library containing only songs they both loved, ordered take-out only from apps they both preferred and to celebrate the first anniversary of the day they stood before each other naked, Sherman took Andrea on a three day virtual reality vacation to the Grand Caymans. On the day before the couple were to return to reality, Andrea and Sherman were sharing a table in a cabana overlooking the Gulf of Mexico. They sipped virtual rum drinks and held hands with joysticks. This was when Andrea found the courage to gently launch into a confession.

“Sherman, these have been the best three days of my life.” “Mine too Andrea,” Sherman’s grip on his joystick tightened, “Ow, you’re hurting me.” “Oh, sorry,” Sherman loosened his grip, “I guess I got a little carried away.” “That’s okay Sherman. I feel the same way.” Sherman smiled a shy boy’s smile, “I went to Wikipedia and uh, found out what love is.” Overwhelmed, Andrea gasped, “Oh Sherman, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about!” “You wanted to talk about Wikipedia?” “No Sherman, I want to talk about love.” “Oh,” Sherman blushed. “Now Sherman I want you to sit there and just listen, okay?” “Okay.” Sherman assumed a slightly dramatized attentive posture. Andrea got right to the point, “Sherman, I had sex with an Outsider.”

Sherman went pale and released the joystick. “Sherman wait! Look! A year ago we were like, really close Insider companions, I mean I really, really liked you but then, when we took our clothes off and I saw, well, when I saw your convincer…” Sherman interrupted, “My what?” “I call it your convincer because it convinced me you were for real and that you’re the man I most wanted to have, ever!” “If you were so convinced, why were with you an Outsider and how did you happen to meet an Outsider? Have you been outside?!”

Andrea waved her hands in frantic denial, “No Sherman, no! I had a plumbing problem and had to have an Outsider come in and fix it. I used the one where the guys wear double masks and gloves. Anyway, when he bent down to fix the pipes I could see this little bit that reminded me of that cute little dimple you have over your navel.” “That’s an appendix scar!” Ignoring the indignant correction, Andrea pressed on, “And then I started thinking of the rest of you and one thing led to another and before I knew it, he was working on another plumbing issue.” Sherman stared as stoic as a department store mannequin, “Oh my god!” was all he could think to say before closing he app, terminating the vacation and all future contact with Andrea.

The following weeks for Sherman and Andrea were hellish ones. He couldn’t take his mind off her, nor she off of him. To help work her way through the harder times all Andrea had to do was call a plumber. When it came to times of trouble for Sherman, his most trusted confidant was his mother Ruth, and she died six years earlier. At any other time, the death would’ve proven more of an obstacle to receive counsel but during these times, there was an app for everything, including one for communicating with the dead. Using a complex digital algorithm combined with a sample of the deceased DNA, The After-Life App offered one-on-one visual connection between earth-bound loved ones and their most dearly departed. Soon after his mother's closed casket Insider virtual ceremonies, Sherman received an email offer for 50% off the first year and he jumped at it.

Using the app, the two visited frequently, at first. Sherman would apprise Ruth of the daily goings on in the mortal world and give her virtual tours of the house so she could rest in peace knowing the floors were always clean. For her part, Ruth had very little to say. She mostly just complained about how Sherman should meet a nice girl, Sherman should get married, Sherman should have babies. Having never been blessed with grandchildren in life, Ruth would be damned if she’d be denied them in Heaven though she never openly expressed it those terms. Because of his mothers obsession with getting him hitched Sherman never told Ruth about Andrea. Now he had to tell her, he needed to talk to someone about this problem. It was eating the Insider up, inside.

He dialed his mother up on the app. After a couple of ring tones, Ruth answered but with only her voice, “Well if it isn’t Mr. Stranger the son who doesn’t call his mother anymore!” “Hey mom, uh, where are you? I can’t see you on the screen!” Ruth never mastered the art of how to frame oneself well for a webcam. Half of her head peered in on the right of the screen, “Here I am! What? You don’t even recognize me anymore?” “Yes, I recognize you ma.” “So, where have you been for the past five years?” “Mom, I just called last Thursday.” “Time doesn’t exactly fly around here you know but that’s okay. I love you son.” “I love you too mom.” “So how’s your Uncle Gary?” “He’s not doing too good mom. They say he’s got three days, maybe up to a week left.” “You tell him to bring that twenty he owes me!” Sherman came to the point abruptly, “Mom, I have a girl.”

The half of Ruth’s mouth visible on the monitor dropped, “A girl? You have a girl?” “I mean, I had a girl, I don’t know if I still have her. She’s been trying to reach me but I don’t know. Mom her name is Andrea and she’s perfect.” “Whoa, hold on. How long have you been seeing this girl?” “About six years.” “Six years!” Ruth half face was enraged, “You waited until after I was dead to finally date a girl!?” “Mom, I’m sorry okay but I need help now.” “Oy, okay, what is it? Sherman proceeded to share every moment he ever spent with Andrea, all his feelings, without pulling any punches. When he was done he asked for the order, “Well ma, what do you think?” “I think you’re a Grade A schmuck. First of all, if you love this girl it means you love her inside and out! Go to her! Learn how to fix the plumbing. Get out of the house!”

Sherman recoiled in shock, “Mother! But what about the…” One of Ruth’s arms shot up, “What about the virus, the big, bad eat-all-your-flesh virus? There’s no such thing! I’ve been here for six years and I haven’t seen one, not one, flesh eaten dead person. Bah! It’s a lot of hogwash!” Sherman sighed, “I wish I could believe you.” “You can’t believe your own mother? You can’t believe your own mother who is also an angel?” Sherman’s considered the argument, “Yeah, I guess that makes you fairly credible.” At that moment, the ‘call waiting’ tone rang on Sherman’s PC. Bea reacted, “What’s that?”

Sherman looked down, “It’s Andrea. She wants to talk to me.” Bea nodded, “Put her on, I want to see this girl.” “But ma! Maybe she just wants to…” “PUT HER ON!” With the tap of a couple of keys, Andrea appeared and shared the screen with Ruth, “Hello Andrea, my name’s Ruth. I’m Sherman’s mother.” Andrea beamed, “Mrs. Banks, Sherman’s told me so much about you, it’s great to finally meet you and uh, sorry for your loss.” “What loss? So I’m dead. My feet don’t hurt anymore.” Andrea laughed and so did Ruth. Sherman sat back to observe the give and take between his two favorite women.

Ruth was first to volley, “So, Sherman tells me you two are having some troubles.” “Yes Mrs. Banks, and its all my fault.” “Young lady, nothing is ever the woman’s fault. What you did was perfectly natural. Was it your first time?” Andrea blushed, “Uh, yes.” “No big deal. There’s a first time for everything. You were curious. You remembered seeing Sherman and his blessing, a blessing he’s putting to waste by the way, and you figured, what the hell, right?” “Um sort of but when I was with that man all I thought of was Sherman. In my mind he was Sherman but with a less convincing convincer.” “Convincer?” Sherman answered his mother’s curiosity, “That’s what Andrea calls my hard-on.” Ruth smiled warmly, “That’s sweet.”

Ruth then proceeded to offer pearls of wisdom as only a deceased mother could, “Look, anyone can see you two are crazy about each other. Love like yours needs to spread it wings inside, outside and on all sides. No bugs going to eat your flesh.” “A neighbor ate my cat once,” Andrea volunteered. “Neighbors are one things, bugs are another. Anyway, go outside. Hold hands instead of joysticks.The real world may not be as pretty as the one in the goggles, but the air is fresher and you touch in it, dance in it, argue over which appetizer to share it and even kiss in it. You’re going to like that first kiss. It unlocks things you’ve never felt before.” Andrea slowly raised her hand, “I didn’t kiss the plumber, really, I didn’t.” Ruth waves her arms, “Ah, it’ll be so much better this time. The kiss is the thing. Trust me on that.”

“Well Sherman, what do you think?” Andrea asked hopefully. “I guess we’re going to have to. I can’t go another moment without you.” “That’s my boy!” Ruth boasted. “How about we go to a movie?” Andrea suggested. “Sure, that’d be great!” “Then maybe dinner?” “I’d like that.” Ruth made sure to add, “And maybe get started on giving me a grandkid!” Sherman and Andrea laughed. “Thank you Mrs. Banks, you’ve been wonderful.” “Yeah, thanks mom.” “Think nothing of it. Take my car. The key’s behind the breadbox.” Sherman looked refreshed and ready to go, “Well, I better hit the shower!” A halo glow emanated around Ruth, “Have fun kids! Let me know what happens and Sherman call at least once a week. It’s not nice to ghost a ghost!”  

Ruth’s Maserati Grand Turismo purred to life. For the first time in over a half decade the garage door opened. Sherman was free and on his way to whisk his damsel off to the cinema, then to an Olive Garden where they held hands and argued over appetizers. Later that evening, determined to embrace the wonders of the outside world, they chose to make love in a field of dandelions behind an OK Auto Parts store. As they shared in the warmth of physical and spiritual bonds, they knew everything there was to know about life and love, inside and out.