The Ties That Bind

Everything Joss Ackles did annoyed me. From the way he ran his fingers through his dark hair when he was deep in thought to the way he chewed his food with precise, intense concentration. But that was only because I had been in love with him since I was sixteen and he eighteen. He had gone away to college and came back three years later with his beautiful wife Charlotte in tow, breaking my heart and shattering my dreams – even if I hadn't had any reason for hope that he would even remember my name. And then, two years into their marriage, Charlotte was involved in a hit and run accident, and died on the scene. Those who knew him best said that Joss went crazy that day. He tried to punch his brother, who had been the unfortunate one charged with letting Joss know his wife had died. When David dodged the wild haymaker, Joss tackled him instead, grappling as he yelled at David for being a liar. Since Joss was blinded by tears and grief and rage, David subdued him quickly, and wrapped all his limbs around his younger brother to contain him, and then held him as he cried. I, who had witnessed all of this up to the point of Joss's tears, could not watch the rest, for I could feel his pain as my own, deep in my chest.

Now, a full year and a half later, I watched as Joss approached our small group of friends in a bowling alley with his always confident swagger, ever present grin, and sadness in his eyes. David and his wife Jen let out loud catcalls, Leo jumped up for a chest bump, Karli and Danny turned momentarily from their mutual fascination with each other's faces to give friendly waves, and I... I raised an eyebrow and turned my attention back to my nachos. I had been carefully avoiding the one in the middle that was covered with an inordinate amount of spicy fake cheese, saving it for my very last bite, and this took a good deal of focus. As I selected my next bite, a large hand swooped in front of me and plucked my prize bite off the paper boat plate.

Outraged, I let out a mouth full of nacho muffled squeal and looked up into Joss's ridiculously pleased face as he chewed my food. I sputtered for about five whole seconds before words formed. “That – that was the best chip! I was saving it!”

He had the audacity to chuckle and then go for another cheese covered chip. I yanked the plate out of his reach and glared at him. “Get your own, Josiah.”

“C'mon, Tessa, sharing is caring, and I'm starving. Look at the concessions line. I'd waste away before I got any food.”

I glanced towards the concession line to verify this statement, and he took advantage of my split second diverted attention to nab another chip before sitting down on the bench beside me, his shoulder brushing mine. “You're impossible. There's like, three people in line.” I thrust the rest of the nachos at him as I stood up. “Here, you might as well have the rest. You already ate most of the cheese, some of which is still on your chin.”

He wiped his chin with the back of his left hand, which now held the nachos, but grabbed my wrist with his right before I could move past him. “Tess, wait. Sit down, I'll get you another plate.”

“Dude, did you mess with Tessa's food?” Leo's voice piped in from behind me, and a heavy arm was slung around my shoulders.

I tugged my wrist free from Joss's loose grip and looked away from the weirdly intense look he was giving me. “He ate the best chip. How did you guys miss it, he wasn't exactly subtle.” I looked around, over Leo's shoulder to see what had indeed happened to the rest of our group. David was cheerleading as Jen bowled, and Karly and Danny were heckling avidly. I shrugged out from under Leo's arm and started for the second time towards food. “Do you want anything, Leo?”

“Yeah, grab me a corndog. And a Pepsi.”

I nodded my acknowledgment and steadfastly ignored Joss as I wove my way through people selecting bowling balls and putting on shoes and eating horrible junk food. The line was a little longer by that time, and I pulled out my phone to check my messages while I waited.

“You are quick when you're deprived of cheesy nachos.”

The deep voice practically right in my ear made me jump and nearly drop my phone. “Sweet sassafras, what are you doing, Joss, trying to kill me or get yourself kicked in the gonads?”

“Um, neither preferably. Although I wouldn't mind watching you do that to the guy behind me.”

I let out a surprised laugh. “What, did he steal my nachos from you?”

I looked up at him, but his gaze was directed over his shoulder with an ire that spoke of wanting to do worse things than mentioned to the guy standing behind us in line. And then, with a move that made me jump worse than his voice in my ear had, Joss put the palm of his hand on my low back and nudged me further in front of him, never taking his eyes off his apparent mortal enemy, who now looked like he'd been caught doing something nefarious and wanted to be anywhere else but was trying to play it cool.

Now stationed almost directly in front of Joss, so close his chest bumped into my back, his hand, instead of dropping harmlessly to his side, moved to my waist – and stayed there.

“Joss. What is going on?” I kept my voice level and light, as though I wasn't about to suffer from internal combustion.

His mouth dipped to my ear again, and I had to control the shiver as his voice rumbled in his chest against my back. “The D-bag behind us has been eyeing your...” he cleared his throat, “assets...since the second you walked away, and he followed you all the way over here.”

“I...see.” I really didn't. What did a preppy looking perv eyeing me up have to do with Joss? “As far as I know, looking at someone with possibly questionable thoughts isn't a crime...”

“There was no 'possible' about it, Tessa, and he followed you over here.” His fingers tightened on my waist.

“Still not a crime. Icky, but not a crime. And also, I must point out – you followed me over here too.”

He let out an exasperated breath that tickled my ear and I slapped my hand up to the side of my head, protecting my ear from both tickles and shivers. Neither was helping the ridiculously long held crush I could not seem to let go of. Especially not helpful, though, was the out of nowhere protective behavior Joss was exhibiting, and between that, the proximity of his solid chest to my back, and his hand on my side, I was turning into one confused and hangry girl. I glanced at the barely moving line in front of us, and made my decision. This situation must be addressed head on. I could not go home wondering what his motivation had been, allowing all sorts of thoughts to enter my addlepated brain. I whirled around with a suddenness that made him flinch backwards in surprise, but he unexpectedly held his ground, which brought me to the same proximity with him as I had been, but now face to face. Momentarily flustered, I quickly remembered my case, and poked him in the aforementioned solid chest. I think I hit bone, because it practically jammed my finger.

“Listen here, buddy. I don't know what game you're playing at, but I am not your responsibility, your food sharer, your damsel in distress, your anything! So whatever this,” I gestured between the two of us, “is...it needs to stop. Right now.” I turned back around, crossing my arms over my chest and tossing my hair back. There was only a moment of quiet before his voice came in my ear again.

“Or else what?” There was humor in his tone, but it wasn't funny to me anymore. He couldn't just flirt with me and make my heart race with false hope and act like he had any kind of right to be protective. I blinked back tears, realized they weren't going away, and then jerked away, literally running to the exit and escaping to the parking lot.

Cold air hit my hot face, and I sucked it in greedily, trying to breathe away the frustration with my inability to let go of something that could never be. My heart, against my will, had tied itself to Joss Ackles almost from day one, and it refused to come free. It would never be mine again. With every time I was around him, every time he made me laugh, every time he smiled, the knot grew tighter, stronger. I was defeated by the very thing I longed for and could not have.

I don't know how long I was out there exactly, but it was long enough for me to start shivering, and wondering if it would be too obvious if I just walked to my car and drove away forever. As I debated, I heard footsteps crunching though the light dusting of snow on the asphalt. I lowered my head, not wanting anyone to ask if I was ok, or even worse, get hit on. I tensed as the footsteps came closer, stopped not far from me, then sudden warmth enveloped me, along with a familiar scent. I jerked around and Joss stood a healthy distance away, in his shirt sleeves, since his jacket was now wrapped around my shoulders. On the bench beside him, there was a steaming plate of nachos with extra cheese, and a hot dog with all the fixings except onions. My eyes flicked back to his, the brown irises swirling with an emotion I didn't recognize.

“Why are you here?” my voice was an irritating breathless whisper.

He stepped closer. “So many reasons, Tess. So many.” He reached out and tucked a stray lock of hair behind my ear, his knuckle grazing my cheek.

“I've got time.”

The corner of his mouth lifted, and he took another step towards me. “First, I had to make sure that perv didn't follow you and your assets out here.”

I lifted an eyebrow, but he continued before I could respond to that. “Second, I knew it had started to snow and that you were only wearing that flimsy pink sweater.”

“What does the color have to do with its warmth value?”

His jaw clenched and his dimple showed briefly, but he continued again as though I hadn't spoken. “Third, you're obviously hangry, and therefore a hazard to those around you.” He gestured to the food offerings.

I rolled my eyes.

“And my last and probably most important reason, is that as you walked away from me I realized that if I let you get away, I would regret it for the rest of my life.”

“But...I thought...Charlotte...?”

He stepped even closer and leaned his head down to look me in the eye. “Charlotte will always be a part of me. But when I look at you,” he reached up and cupped my cheek in his warm palm, “my heart feels joy again.”

Tears trickled down my face, warm and salty against my cold skin. “I've been trying to let you go. I just didn't know how.”

He lowered his forehead to mine. “Please don't. When I lost Charlotte, you were the only anchor I had in that storm. Everyone else tried to tell me it was okay, that I would get over it. You were always the only one who just let me be, who looked at me like my pain was yours, who never let go. Don't ever let go, Tessa.”

“I can't. The knot's too big.”

He choked out a laugh, shook his head, and then dipped his head even lower until our lips met, like two pieces of a puzzle united at last.