RESET

Just like night, life comes and goes, but the fact is, it is such a hard truth to swallow, I’ve always been that go according to what you’ve planned kind of girl, in all of my 52 years permit me to say that I have never stepped out of line before, I have always put someone first before me.

My name is Cynthia Fergus, I am married, married to a wretched man and blessed with 3 beautiful girls and one handsome young man. Lately my life has been alarmingly cold, almost as though I’m in a freezer, stuck to the very bottom of it.

Currently I am in a hotel room staring at the pristine white ceiling and thinking about what to do next, I look at the tiny desk the hotel has provided for me, there’s the gun, the beautiful silver gun, looks like its calling out to me, I have a plan, a plan I wish to execute and I’m guessing you’re eager to know how I got here yes?, well let me give a quick recap.

It started 30 years ago and remember what I said before, I always go according to plan, I am the third child of 8 children, I am the responsible one, the caring one, the quiet one, I’ve always wanted to walk in the way of the lord, I am a Christian you see. So, I got married in my early twenties to a well-known politician, ‘Lawson Fergus’, he had a way with words and so it attracts the ladies, beautiful ladies. Lawson was my man, at least he was supposed to be until he met them the group of friends he loved to keep up appearances for, Lawson was a massive fan of attention and so he would do anything to get it, like looking down on his wife in public, saying things like, “be like me, I just got myself a naïve girl and look she turns a blind eye when I get in touch with others, a rather sexy looking naivety don’t you think?” and then they would laugh some having the guts to look me in the face whilst doing that.Lawson would come home look me in the face and tell me to leave the kitchen for his sisters, his sisters will hit me and Lawson will shut the door in my face while heading to work, you think I’ll leave yes? Well I preferred this to what came next.Lawson lost his influence in the world of politics you see?, he took a major fall from grace, but oh he never stopped being proud of what he didn’t have, so he sold his two cars and lands and each time I will watch him insult my beautiful kids each time, calling them wicked, possessed, evil, prostitutes and whatnot and each time I try to butt in he’ll say “oh here comes the bad mother, because you’re the one earning more money now you can’t even correct the kids” and often times I stare in astonishment because I don’t know where to start screaming at kids when they did nothing wrong.It got worse when he had absolutely nothing to sell, instead he would just call people and lie about where he is at promising to send money, he didn’t have he would often tell me.

“you bad woman choose between I and your son” I became someone without a self, I grew to want his attention, mind you this man was 20 years older than I was and so when I clocked 50 he was already 70.And he still wouldn’t stop he’ll call women send me their account numbers for me to make a transfer to them, oh I was barely hanging on a thread, but then that thread, it snapped when I became numb, when I realized how numb I was. I couldn’t feel, I couldn’t think, I was just existing, some would think the life of Cynthia Fergus was beautiful but oh how tired and angry I was.My kids you may ask? my son told me one time

“I know, we know he’s cheating on you mummy you’ve not lived your life beautifully and you deserve to do that, what you need is a reset”

“you’re saying I should walk out of the marriage then?” I asked him.

“yes, I am unapologetically saying that, especially now that we have grown”

“so, I should leave you guys?”“no what I am saying is leave this thing to live your life, you only leave once and you’ve been hurt for how long 29 years?”.

And so now I am seated, on the bed and waiting for a reset, for something to happen with me, for a miraculous change, beside that gun there’s a glasses for the eclipse I stare hard at it, then I take a look at the balcony. I get up from my sitting position and begin walking towards the desk. Taking the glasses in hand I head towards the balcony.

“one beautiful thing before the decision” I mouth to myself.

I wait for a few minutes before walking back into the hotel room to turn off the lights, stepping out into the balcony I throw on the glasses and take a seat, waiting and holding my breath in the process, I feel almost ignited almost alive but then again what does that feel like, what do I know?, after all its been a while since I felt alive.

I lay in wait while sitting.

Then I stand.

Then I pace.

Then I murmur.

Then I head in to change my clothes.

Then I take my headphone and press play on the music, and almost like all my actions have been waiting for this moment I watch in solemn reflection as the sky turns dark, with my glasses still on and music whispering sweet melodies in my ears I watch as lights in other places go off and then darkness surrounds me.

This darkness although frightening speaks sweet and comfortable words to me, it engulfs me, and at the same time it taunts me, I close my eyes in comfortable silence, and listen to the sweet melody reminding me of mild silence.

In the darkness I stand, basking to the sound of instrumentals, and then that was when it came the therapy I needed.

“time isn’t over yet, you could still make use of the one you have left”

“start afresh”

“reset”

Is it weird that I feel tears roll down my cheek for the first time in a long time? yes, it is weird.

They say when you’re about to die your life flashes before your eyes, and the replay comes in a flash, permit me to say, that some certain decisions demands a life flash.

Oh, I hear a sob, I hear a strangled cry, I hear an almost inhumane sound and then I hear the sobs again, it takes me a while to realize that the awful almost unrecognizable sounds are actually from me.

In tears I realize that the darkness has healed me, and almost as though the universe is in cohorts with the situation at hand the sky turns bright again.

In that moment I realize that when darkness fills to the brim it either resets you or destroys you, weird right?, but I feel I will forever remember this day.

Darkness was the therapist.

Memories the catalyst.

Emotions the antagonist.

And I am the protagonist, the decision maker, the one who holds the power to change and reflect, with determination of course, and I think I just did my job.

Reset.