Lost

(Sensitive Content Warning: Death/Hints at Suicide)

I’ll dance with your soul for now.

I’ve always thought you were unique from the way you talk, you dress, and even sleep. You had beautiful eyes, and pretty hair, a wonderful smile, a contagious laugh, and an aura that gave life. I remember staring at you for countless hours, looking into your eyes. Your eyes were unique too, the most beautiful sight I hadmever seen. But when I saw those eyes later that day I didn’t know who you were anymore. Your eyes didn’t sparkle, and shine. There was nobody around, you were all alone stuck inside your head, and it trapped you like a prison. Locked in your skull, held back by thoughts, and buried away by the crushing weight of your memory. It was your own prison you had created for yourself, one that hurt and killed you.

Your body had been spread out across the floor, limbs spread and heart stopped. Time seemed to stop too, and maybe even my heart. My skin crawled as I looked at how vulnerable you were. The tiles had been stained and covered in blood. The grout was an even darker red than the tile. And it was your own blood. I don’t remember what my first thought or action was. Everything was so blurry and the next thing I know I was staring at you again. But your eyes were closed. 

The chairs I sat in for hours seemed to become my new bed, not as comfy but nonetheless I slept. Your presence around me kept me at home and the constant beeping from the ECG started to sound like a lullaby in my ear. I lost track of the days you were asleep. I wanted to grab your shoulders and shake you back to life, yell to see if there was some part of you left inside. Pieces of hope seemed to leave my body and dissipate into thin air.

I was killing myself for you. I didn’t eat, it didn’t matter what food the nurses offered or gave me, I denied and refused it all. All I wanted was to see those eyes one last time. They gave me life, and a sense of comfort. 

You looked so pale and fragile. Your hair matted, clothes old, skin a purplish kind of white, and lips dry. Oh how I wanted to kiss, hug, talk, cry, run, jump, play, and see you. To see you smile and laugh one more time. Senses of guilt had flooded through me. What if I can’t remember all the memories? If you slowly slip from my brain what will happen next? If I lose you will I lose myself?

The last question pushed me over the edge. Made me gag and sink in my chair. It made me walk closer to you and plead for you to just hold on. My selfishness was clear, I did not want to lose you, but if that were to happen that last piece of me would be gone. In that moment your ECG had made the most dreaded sound, and a shriek had escaped from my own mouth. 

And as doctors came pushing and shoving their way through, I persisted to see you. Because I just had to see you. One last time. Before I knew it I was taken back into the hallway and I plummeted to the floor. I wanted to forget, and run away. I wished for so many things in life and yet none of them have been granted. I even prayed to every god there is just in hopes of something that would make everything the way it used to be. 

When everything was over they told me you were dead. That you were gone, and when they told me this I knew I was dead too. I had lost your eyes, your smile, your talk, your heart, your personality. I had lost the one human being I would never see, hear, or even talk to again. I lost you, and I lost myself. 

A piece of everything was gone. I remember throwing up and crying. Punching the floor and singing myself a soothing song to keep me anchored. Grounded with the world itself. The nightmares had killed me, torn me apart. The worst ones were thoughts of how you died. This was before the autopsy of course, but even after I couldn’t believe you would do such a thing that the nightmares still persisted to haunt me. I’d never felt so unaware. I was clueless to the fact that you’d been in pain, and more guilt had struck me down, placing a heavier weight on my shoulders. 

There was an ongoing silence in the house. One that was so quiet you could hear the silence itself. It pierced my ears and savaged my thoughts. The rain would sing its songs, creating new melodies. But that was the only thing that kept me sane. The sound just kept going, and it was something that I knew would never die out. Even if it did, it would be back again some other day. It didn’t matter how long the sound lasted, as long as it was there. It filled the gap inside of me. It gave me something to focus on other than you. It gave me a sense of hope and something that made me feel alive and real, even though that was the last thing I wanted.

Tonight was different though. Tonight's rain seemed beautiful, and I could just picture you, as your eyes glistened in the small droplets of water; and of how they covered your eyelashes and made your hair wet. The street lights act as the ballroom lighting that shines through the corridors, and lights up the crosswalks as we dance. We stood in awe as the lightning changed the sky to different colors. The stars and moon were envious of our smiles that were wider than the universe. 

We could dance forever in my mind, and we could dance together.