I Guess

Acknowledging your name would bring up too much so I left it out, but by the end of this I’m sure you’d know this was perfectly crafted for you. 

It was the perfect love story until this moment. The moment I realized and accepted you really ghosted me. Things were not supposed to go this way, but I guess that was your intention all along. You made my world stop. Inhale. Every breath I took was like inhaling every part of you. Exhale. Every release was with force signifying me exhaling all the others before you. You made it all better. As I sit here driving myself crazy because I foreshadowed this coming, I can’t help but to dwell on all the signs I missed. Not from just you, but from me too. Remember when I used to tell you, “you’re going to make me fall in love just to break my heart and leave me to pick up all the pieces.”? You’d always laugh it off and respond with, “Never, this is forever.” Usually, I wouldn’t show too much emotion, but the thought of you makes me want to cry. I guess falling down isn’t falling down if you don’t cry when you hit the floor. 

Like any other day, I was prepared to handle any obstacle thrown at me. Nobody could ever say I wasn’t ready for war. As much as I hate to admit it, you disrupted that order. I was NOT expecting you. Probably the only thing that could have possibly happened during my day that I did not gear up for. That one small conversation led to exchanging numbers. To be honest, I wasn’t looking forward to hearing from you. On a daily basis, I’m met by guys nothing like you. They’d tell me how beautiful I was, how beautiful my smile is, the dreams of their future with me in it. But, you were different, hence the disruption. You were perfect, or so I thought. Your smile was enough to forget every word that came out of your mouth. Mesmerized by the look in your eyes I could tell you’ve been hurt, but there was a calmness about you. There was a look that said I’ve been here before, but it wouldn’t stop me from trying. You were there and I was here, it couldn’t possibly work. Then, you showed me we were much closer than I thought. And the distance, well that only made us closer. So, hearing from you that same day naturally took care of the rest. 

It took me a while to get used to the idea of you, of us. You’d call, I’d respond with a text of some lame excuse of why I had to call you back. I realize now that I should’ve kept up the façade of not really being interested. You strategically plotted your distraction of the perfect love story to keep me in your web of lies. Where I am now, I can’t help but to feel like maybe if I could go back to the first time you told me hurt people hurt people, that maybe I would have listened. Maybe, I would have turned the opposite way. That this time, maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t have pulled out my cape and try to be a solution to the destruction. A place of peace in total chaos. Instead, I’m left here being haunted with the thought of just maybe. I decided to be a role player and assist in the reconstruction of such a destructed person and I’m left with the consequences of my decisions. Every time you called, I jumped. Reminiscing on the times I was flustered with butterflies, never wanting to give you too much space but still giving you the space you told me you needed, falling asleep on the phone and never wanting to hang up first all just come back to haunt me whenever you cross my mind. 

You never gave me the opportunity to think you were like the other guys. Our first real interaction, I could never forget. I guess it was the fact that everything presented was packaged so beautifully. Another masterminded move on your end, I guess. I remember thinking to myself, “I could get used to this.” I wasn’t expecting to be met with flowers when you picked me up or to be showered with gifts that made me feel like I had a special place with you, a part of your world. Sadly, I was. Can’t lie, you had me open. Vulnerable. You broke down that brick wall I built like a sledge hammer in a matter of minutes. A perfectly plated dish to complement a well-cooked meal. That’s not the energy from someone you just met. That’s not something you just get from the average every day guy. Why would I ever doubt what you showed me? Listening to you complain about how things didn’t turn out how you wanted on the next date, but I saw and felt no problem. It was all rainbows and butterflies on my end. We laughed for hours. Shared past, present and future times like the spark could never die. Confided in each other what our biggest fears are and promised to protect one another the best we can. Each time was a dream. You probably don’t know this, but I’d pinched myself every time just to make sure everything I was feeling was real. This wasn’t a dream. It wasn’t a drill. The scars left proved that. Everything I thought would happen, did happen. As for the pinching, they never really hurt. I guess they were saving the pain for a time it knew I’d need it most. Never knew the pain would come as a direct result from you. 

There was a lot of things I considered. Things I’m not proud of. Things I know that if I would have let go, would have been for nothing since you’re not even here. That’s the music I face every day when I look in the mirror. Makes me wonder what you see when you do the same? I’m sure you made it up in your mind you did the right thing, but did you really? Sometimes I don’t even know if the you I knew was even you. This person, this isn’t you. 

And just like the season changed, so did you. No warning. Not an explanation in sight. Just me, and all the leaves falling off the trees. No more shorts and tees, just hoodies overlaid with jean. My cup was full, and you tipped it over leaving me thirsty, begging for more. Leave it to me, things would just be. I mean, everything was going right. So right, that I had no choice but to drown the noise created by those closest to me. The silence is loud now. My thoughts crowd bigger than in league style.  Where did things go wrong? We never really had an argument, so I can cross that off the list. “Are you making me suffer from the mistakes of your past?”, jumps straight to the top of my list. “Was I too much?”, “Who, you? Nah, you could never be!”, another one crossed off the list. So, what? What could it be? My friends do a pretty crappy job of keeping my mind off of things. “Just get over it”, they say not realizing it’s easier said than done. I can’t even look at a menu without seeing something that reminds of you. The things I once loved, I can no longer fathom since I'm reminded of how I made you a part of it. Finding new outlets isn’t as easy as it seems. Three months isn’t really long, when you think about it. But tell me, is this how things are supposed to be? Is there really no we? I guess, every moment has its end. Even though I hate it, it’s time to let you free. You made it clear it was never forever. Just a summer to remember. 

Scarred forever. Just something to remember, your summer fling.