Alexa

I sat with my buddy Michael at Dave and Busters, watching the Lakers lose for the millionth time.

I had just finished telling him about my recent breakup with Lourdes.

When I told him about it, I verbally tore her to pieces.

Talking about her nagging and her stupid art friends and her stupid clothes all over the couch.

People think men are messy, but that is not my experience.

Lourdes.

Lourdes with her beautiful hair and smile and laugh.

Lourdes with her piles of books and movies and vinyls.

Lourdes with her paintbrushes and canvases and overflowing ideas.

Lourdes the hustler.

Lourdes who was meeting all these people I couldn’t keep up with.

Who was always too busy.

Who put her career before anything else.

Before me.

I told Michael I was the one who broke up with her.

I lied.

“Have you heard of Alexa?” he asked.

“Of course, I’ve heard of Alexa,” I replied, “I don’t live under a rock.”

“No,” he whispered conspiratorially, looking around to make sure no one was listening, “Alexa.”

I shook my head and watched his eyes sparkle.

“Dude,” he whispered laughing, “You have to check this shit out.”

“That’s insane,” I said to him.

“Insane or not,” he replied, “It’s real.”

“But it’s crazy," I insisted, "It’s…It’s stupid.”

He laughed, “It’s not stupid. Trust me.”

“So, you’ve…tried this?” I asked.

He paused. Searching my face for I don’t know what.

Judgement, probably. And I was judging him. I was judging him hard. What he had just described was absolutely wild. It didn’t sound possible. Or healthy. Or something that anyone should have access to.

“I’ve tried it a couple times,” he finally admitted, “And it’s…amazing.”

I stared at Michael.

The look on his face was pure bliss as his eyes wandered and his mind left the room.

“Michael, come back to earth,” I said.

He looked at me and smirked, “You’ll never need another Lourdes again,” he said, “None of us will. And you know what? Without the Lourdes of the world, we can maybe actually get some shit done.”

Despite the insanity of what he had just told me, I couldn’t deny that the man had a point.

Ridding myself of the Lourdes of the world sounded like exactly what I needed.

When I got home, I went straight to my laptop. I began typing in the address Michael had told me about.

I stopped myself as I was about to press Enter.

What was I doing?

What he had described, while enticing, was just plain ridiculous.

Was I going to be that guy?

Was I going to be like Michael?

I loved my buddy, but he wasn’t the greatest when it came to women.

Women were toys to him. Not people. And that was clearer than ever with this newfound Alexa obsession.

Did I want to be like Michael?

My finger hovered over the Enter button.

I closed my laptop, deciding I wasn’t that guy.

Then my phone rang.

It was Lourdes.

I let it ring and it went to voicemail.

“Hey...It's me...I left some things at your house and I was wondering if we could meet so I can pick them up? Let me know when is good for you. Thanks.”

I replayed the message three times.

Her voice was cold. Heartless. Pick up her things? She never picked them up when we were living together, so why would she want to pick them up now?

I deleted the message.

I opened up my laptop again.

I pressed Enter.

Hello Jacob.

Welcome to Alexa.

Please answer the following questions:

1.    If you had to choose between an apple and an orange which would you choose and why?

2.    You have chosen apple. Wondeful. How do you eat your apple? Do you slice it? Dice it? Do you cut off pieces with a knife? Or do you just bite it, tearing it apart bit by bit?

3.    You are a biter of apples. Good for you.

4.    Next question: You are standing on a street corner all alone. There is no one else around. Up ahead is a tree on fire. There is a cat and a dog stuck up in the tree. You can only save one. Which one do you save?

5.    You must pick one.

6.    You have chosen dog. Excellent choice.

7.    If you had to choose between a circle, a triangle, or a square, which would you pick?

8.    You have chosen square. Which is clearly the superior shape.

…….

Please plug in the ALEXA5000 headphones into your device.

……

The screen goes dark.

There is a sucking sound and I am pulled somewhere else.

Tugged into the laptop.

I feel groggy.

Lightheaded.

I want to throw up.

I do.

Or, I think I do, but nothing comes out.

I stand.

I look around.

I am in a white room with white walls.

There is a white couch and a white chair and a white table.

The sound of a door opens.

I turn and-

Hello, Jacob.

“Hello.”

Are you happy to see me?

“I…”

Sit. Let me bring you some food.

I stare at her.

She looks exactly like Lourdes except…

Better.

Perfect.

I watch her bring me a plate of beef ravioli.

I take a bite.

It is the most delicious thing I have ever tasted.

It makes me think of playing on the streets with my friends, coming home, and my mom having it ready. Beef ravioli Fridays. With-

Here is a twinkie, Jacob. For dessert.

I bite the twinkie.

Lourdes 2.0 wipes cream from my mouth.

I suck on her fingers, tasting salt under her fingernails.

 I am whooshed away.

I stare at my laptop.

2% battery.

As I rush to plug it in, my phone rings.

It’s Lourdes.

I press ignore.

I plug in my laptop.

I press Enter.

I am back in the room except it’s different.

There are Star Wars posters on the walls.

The couch is red.

There is an Xbox controller on the table and a large screen TV.

There is a bowl of popcorn and a bag of Hot Cheetos.

Lourdes 2.0 enters.

She wears a bikini and carries a long island iced tea.

Relax, Jacob. Sit down.

I sit.

“You…You’re not-

Not what, Jacob?

“You’re not real.”

Lourdes 2.0 stares at me.

She puts the drink on the table.

She walks over to me slowly.

She sits on my lap, straddling me.

She wraps her arms around my neck.

I can feel the weight of her.

I can feel the sweat on my palms.

I can feel her breath on my mouth.

Her eyes are brown, sparkling gems.

Just like Lourdes.

She smells like strawberry shampoo.

Just like Lourdes.

Can you feel me, Jacob?

I nod.

Say it. Can you feel me, Jacob?

“Yes,” I say, “I can feel you.”

Good. Let me make you happy, Jacob. Let me do for you what she never could. Don’t you want me to? Don’t you want me to make you happy?

I nod.

Say it, Jacob. Say you need me.

“I need you.”

Two Weeks Later

Lourdes knocks on the door again. And again. And again.

“Jacob,” she shouts, “Jacob, I know you’re upset, I just want to make sure you’re ok…Please. Please open the door.”

No answer.

Lourdes sighs and calls Michael.

No answer.

She goes around to the side of the house and sees through the blinds, Jacob sitting on the couch with his laptop. His eyes are open.

“Jacob!” she shouts.

She pounds on the wall.

But he never moves.