My Macguffin Of A Shadow

Ok, I don't suspect anyone to believe me, but I think I have lost my shadow. I know it sounds like I've lost something else, say my mind, but it's true! It left me when I was washing it! Ok, I know I sound crazy, but I'll give a bit of backstory.

Well, I was walking down the 14th Street, when I realized many of the other pedestrians started cowering away from me! One fellow even backed accidentally inside traffic while walking and another girl even caused a three-ring fender-bender while driving because she was so distracted by me! After the fiftieth person ran away from me, I was desperate to see what the heck was actually going on! I ducked into the nearest shop, where the girl manning the cashier offered me 20 bucks to leave the place, I was dumbfounded and ducked into the bathroom and checked myself in the mirror.

Was my fly down?

Was my hair full of fuzz?

Was my breath a bother because of the delicious anchovy and garlic pizza topped with some of my favorite cheese, Vieux-Boulogne?

It didn't seem like it, until I smelled it, it was a disgusting stench and it seemed to be coming from behind me...it was…. my shadow!

It smelled really disgusting and I suspected it must be from all the city sidewalks swept with trash and my shadow must've picked it up all these years. Well, after the culprit of my newfound popularity, or should I say, notoriety, was caught, I called my good friend Lars and asked him to pick me up and drive me home, I told him why I couldn't go by myself and he told me, rather impatiently, that I could just wash my shadow. It sounded really crazy that it might just work. I ripped off my shadow, it was strangely versatile now, bought a small bag from the store, and grabbed my shadow and stuffed it in there, Lars took me home, and I got to cleaning that shadow!

Wait! I know it may seem like I’m rambling a bit, but I’m just setting up the scene, come back! Ok, now I’ll get to how I actually lost it, I’m a bit verbose so just stay with me.

Well, when I got home I handwashed my shadow, it took a while. My shadow was grimier than I guess most are, I find it hard to believe that I just found out that you can wash your shadow, I thought it was Lars being an oddball again, but it worked! My shadow was sparkly clean, then I put it in the dryer, it dried! My only complaint with this process was that it got shrunk a bit when inside the dryer, but it’s alright, and it smelled so awesome! It smelled like fresh tar and felt like rubber, I guess only a few people know about this particular sensation, considering I’ve never heard of this particular and peculiar way of cleaning “yourself”. 

Anyways, here’s the part where this story gets interesting, this is where my shadow gets away from me!

Well, when I was hanging it to dry, I suddenly felt it move in my hands, it sprung up to life! It literally jumped out of my hands and stood on its own, I SEE YOU ROLLING YOUR EYES, I AM TELLING THE TRUTH, anyways, it told me something. It told me to follow him, I tried to but the fact is that he runs at some pretty amazing speeds making Usain Bolt look like a snail! Well, he went thisaway but that is all I can tell you now, you can go, but just remember, if you smell tar around here, alert me! Hey! Don’t look so relieved that I’m finished talking!

Ok, I can smell a faint smell of tar around here, thank the heavens! Where the heck is that blasted shadow? Wait, wait wait, I smell it stronger, it’s leading southwestwards towards 14th street, exactly where this whole dilemma started in the first place, wait, wait, I see the shadow hiding on the brick wall, aha, I caught him, now I came ask it what the heck he needed to tell me before this little game of tag straight from hell, YES! CAUGHT HIM, oh wait, what? He ran away, this is total hogwash! Ugh, thank gosh I wore shorts! It’s time for a chase! Holy Crap he’s fast, I can still track down his smell, I’m confused now though, why would he make me chase him if he needs to tell me something! Ahh, now everyone in town thinks I’m a madman! Okay, wait a minute, this is a little odd, why’s it slowing down? And why here? In the little backstreets of downtown? And, huh? Why is there a weird robed figure in front of me now? I’m so confused! Oh no, the figure is talking..

“Darryl Aremia, Born 1/14/1995, Resides on 24th Street of Townsopolis?”, the robed asked rather ominously.

“Yes? Who’s asking?”, I responded muddledly.

Why was this random robed figure asking me some personal questions, I was the one who wanted answers! I was the one who just went on a random goosechase for my shadow! 

The robed figure continued on, “ I am the grim reaper, and this is a warning. Do you know what it means when your shadow leaves you?”

“No”, I was frightened, why was the grim reaper coming to talk to me? What the heck? 

“Your shadow is part of you, which means, that when your shadow leaves you, it’s time for you to also leave.”

“Wait, a minute, WHAT?” I die? This- can’t be real-what?”

“It’s just your time, your shadow has decided”.

“Why the heck would my shadow decide my death day? This cannot be right, this really can’t be right”

“Your shadow purely exists as a macguffin, what else do you think they’re there for, idiot. They are my creations, solely as a monitor for how much you have left, when they start getting dirty, that means that is when it your life starts to shorten, washing your shadow merely shortened your life even more, your friend “Lars” was simply me, I wanted you to get closer towards death, we are needing people to fill our newly added section of the afterlife land of the “imbeciles” people who die of things that should be obvious already. Its crazy how stupid you were, I feel pity for you, now you must die.”

“One more thing I must say to my shadow before I go”.

“Sure”

“I will come back”