Paying Attention

Sheets of hail and barrages of lighting continued to hammer down with no end in sight for the little town. Alayna was furious, there was a meeting at 1:00 that she had to attend because of her contract, another at 4:00 where she hoped to meet some very affluent connections, and a flight out of this backwater town at 9:00. It was only 8:00 in the morning when she peered through her blinds and saw the havoc being caused by mother nature. One of her stupid children must have especially pissed her off today, Alayna thought as she got out of bed, and now she had to bear the consequences. This shit always happens to me, I swear this is the most important day of the year and it’s so predictable that I would be stifled from making progress in my goddamned life. 

Nearly falling out of bed, Alayna worked her way through the shower, fixed her hair, and did her makeup, all with the weight of reality upon her shoulders. She knew that there was no way the meetings would run, one step outside and a hail pellet the size of a golf ball would probably kill anyone who was stupid (or ambitious) enough to test their luck. Nonetheless, she held onto her hope. After an hour or so of getting ready, Alayna was mentally and physically prepared for a fruitful day of work, and while looking at herself in the mirror she realized that she had never looked so ready for business meetings and connection making. Naturally , this was the day she needed that the least.  I’ll just go about my day as normal until I get a call otherwise. Too many important conversations and deals were being made today for the fucking weather to stop it. She plopped on her bed and opened her computer to a couple of emails that escaped her attention the night prior. Within 45 minutes she responded, and therefore completed all of the work she had scheduled for the entire day. She had anticipated this trip for a long while so she would use her lunchtime, or any other free moment that she could find, to work ahead and have as little to think about when it finally rolled around. Now, here she was, with nothing but time and the false hope of a meaningful day. At least I'm here on company funding, she thought to herself as she slowly accepted that she would not be leaving her room, and more frustratingly, this town, for the next 24 hours. And I’ll leave tomorrow if I'm lucky… 

Alayna had no interest in self-reflection, reading, or meditation. “Ridiculous ways to burn money.” She would tell her employees who offered her perspective. “Alayna, you don't spend money on meditation. And you can find plenty of cheap, or even free, books,” they would reply to her while laughing in disbelief.

“Time is money, and every second I spend is an expensive toll.” She would snap back with a smirk. She was witty and charismatic, that’s what got her so far. 

Now sitting in bed, Alayna reflected on the times she put her ego above others. As funny as those office jokes were, she really did mean them. She never actually had to apply herself in school, relationships, and especially, her job. She was just…good. 

I suppose a book could serve me well right about now, she teased. Her whole life she had been extremely driven by her desire for prestige, success, and prowess. Being a high profile business woman is all that she could remember ever truly wanting; except for that decked out suitcase when I was 13… well, that’s part of the same thing isn't it… Maybe I do have some problems. 

 Growing in boredom and total acceptance, she decided to open the mini fridge and see if the hotel was offering anything interesting. 

— White Wine: $5 —

“Classy,” Alayna murmured. She picked up the bottle, twisted off the cap, and started sipping. It’s not like there’s any wine glasses in here, she thought, trying half-heartedly to justify her actions. Plus, what else is there for me to do? There wasn’t a TV in the room, or anything resembling it at least, just a taxidermied duck mounted on the wall where a TV should be. Until yesterday, Alayna had never been to Alaska and never particularly hoped to change that, but when she heard about the convention and all the names coming with it, the snow didn’t sound so bad after all. Ironically enough, there was no snow, only very cold and frozen rain awaiting her. How can it get worse than snow, she joked as she peered out the window once more. Looking down at the bottle in her hands, she shook her head, “Who am I trying to flatter?” And with that enlightening question, down went a few hardy gulps. Everything that motivated Alayna could be traced back to two things; Money and status. If something got in the way of her advancing toward those goals, she would do whatever it took to change the situation, herself, or the people around her in order to eliminate that barrier. Morality, ethics, and religion didn’t really make that much sense to her without looking through the lens of personal interest. Being a “good person" only made sense transactionally. 

It was around 10:30 AM now and still there were no signs of the storm stopping. The intensity waxed and waned, and even for a few minutes at one point, completely stopped. Alayna knew better than to revive her hopes. Alright, this wine was no joke, she thought laying back on the bed. Maybe I can call some clients and ask them how they’re doing. They’ll like that. Taking her phone out of her pocket, she noticed a notification. Her heart jumped at the prospect of something productive to accomplish. It was an email from her company's CEO, Alayna quickly began to read;

“.. and for those of you who are in Fairbanks, I am sorry for the inconvenience, but this year's convention is canceled. Several of our partners and patrons have been involved in accidents while on their way to their hotels. As you know, all expenses will be on the company tab, just please stay indoors for however long is necessary. Keep those involved in the accidents in your prayers and my team and I will update you all..”

Phenomenal, just my luck. Let me guess, John from BP fell off a bridge and can’t finalize our deal... It doesn’t even matter, I expected this. Alayna sat in a silent pout. Twiddling her thumbs, she thought about that one time her employee, Danny (the one always rambling about meditation), told her that if you can't sit with yourself, by yourself, for an extended period of time, you have some underlying issues that should be taken care of. She agreed with Danny on this but didn’t give him the satisfaction of knowing that, partially because he would know that she had weaknesses and partially because then she would have to face it herself. Instead she just said, “uh-huh, I’m guessing that’s what you tell yourself on Saturday nights?.” He laughed and shook his head. “Alright Alayna, whatever you say.”

I guess I could try to meditate. Considering there is literally nothing else to do, this would be more productive than literally nothing, she explained to herself. Sitting up in her bed, twisting into a cross legged upright position (like she saw people do in the commercials), she closed her eyes. 

….. I see why I NEVER did this before, she thought as she kept trying to find a more comfortable position. After about 5 antsy minutes, she gave up. It’s really unbelievable that people do this… But just before finishing her thought, Alayna had an epiphany; She had lost the ability to do the most fundamentally human thing… I … I really can’t sit with myself. 

Alayna spent every morsel of her time and life thinking about how she could advance her corporate position, maximize profit-margins, and increase her status in the business world. Beyond monetary gain, Alayna was as shallow as could be. What happened to me? She thought while battling an enormous sense of regret. In the heat of her emotion, she got up and decided to pull up the blinds and look out at the storm. She realized how out of touch she truly became, all within this very instant. The storm was raging and the sky was a kaleidoscopic mixture of black and gray. It reminded her of a large dark room with a flickering light, illuminated every time the lighting struck across the sky. Hail crashed down in a series of waves that made a sound so frightening and powerful that she could feel goosebumps rising on her skin. She cracked open the window to get a more visceral experience, and immediately the smell of pine and rain rushed into the room. She had never experienced a storm like this. Although the winds, hail, and rain were raging, it was clear enough to make out the mountains far beyond the rest of the city's skyline. As she locked her eyes on the horizon, she discovered wanderlust. “I wonder if anyone is out there.” she whispered to herself. Just then, a furious wind blew into the room, blowing Alayna's hair into a hundred directions. It felt like a burst of life. She couldn’t help but realize that this moment felt better than any sale or business pitch she had ever made, and it was all free. “You can meditate anywhere Alayna,” Danny would say to her, “and meditation is just a word. What matters is being in the moment. Experiencing life for what it is, you know? The world provides for what we all seek, we just have to realize and accept its no-strings-attached gift. I know that’s hard for someone like you to believe exists… but I hope you find it. Even if it’s just for a moment.”