Two little blue lines.

sensitive topic - baby loss

The first sign came to her in the clouds. She laid in the hospital bed bereft with grief as she recovered from her miscarriage. She stared out the window rather than look back into the rest of the hospital ward at the other mothers with the same grief stricken faces, and there in the clouds was a baby, the outline of a baby like you would see in an ultrasound scan picture. The moment she saw it a wave of peace came across her, she knew her baby was safe somewhere beyond here. She was filled with hope that a long lost family member was taking care of her precious baby girl holding her in a way that she would never be able to. For the first time that week she managed to rest her eyes without them stinging from the tears that wouldn’t stop and she had hope for the future. Her husband came to visit and sit with her and cry some more but she reassured him that there was no need for tears, their baby girl was safe and loved and she would come back to them when she could. He too was filled with hope and longing for the future. The clouds had saved them.

Months passed and with each month their hope dwindled. Every period tracked religiously, every ovulation day filled with excitement and intimacy, every vitamin and supplement known to man consumed and researched. But the blood would start and the excitement and wondering “could it be this time?” Would ebb away and they would be left with disappointment and fear. “Will it ever happen for us.”

The pressure on the marriage was immense, he couldn’t make his wife happy, her every moment consumed by dates and old wives tales and the best position to get pregnant in. He began to turn away from physical intimacy, it scared him now, he had watched his wife nearly die, he had held her hand as they wheeled her to surgery to remove his unborn child. He had been the one that in his grief had accidentally ticked the box that said “treat foetus as biological material” which meant he had denied them of a funeral and his wife never got to hold her baby.

Love making became a mechanical response, he didn’t enjoy it anymore, it was just another box to tick off on his to do list.

The second sign came to her in the clouds too. As she was driving towards work she looked up out of the windshield and saw another baby but this baby was been held in arms and she knew in her gut that this was a message of hope and joy and that this baby would come to fruition and that she would hold this baby herself and kiss her and snuggle her and give her all the love in the world. The moment she was home from work she did a pregnancy test and there it was; positive. “Thank you” she cried to the skies grateful for this blessing. She called her husband at work tears of joy streaming down her face. It had finally happened after months of disappointment and arguments and turmoil these two little blue lines had brought them together again repairing the cracks that grief and despair had tried to desperately to widen. He made any excuse to leave and rushed home to be with her. She looked beautiful again, like the weight of a thousand worlds had been lifted from her tired shoulders. He picked her up and span her around and kissed her a thousand times.

But alas, here she was now, crying in the night. The blood flowing between her legs hot and sticky. “Please!” She howled at the stars like a wild animal, but there was no signs tonight. No hope or peace. She had been forsaken. Her tears were never ending. His tears never came, he couldn’t cry anymore, he couldn’t watch his wife cry anymore.

Where are the clouds when you need them? Fuck the night sky and it’s never ending Abyss.

”let’s just stop trying” he said gently. Her face had answered him long before her words came to the surface. She felt lost and like she was homesick even though she was at home. The longing within her couldn’t be fathomed. She was a mother without a child and she needed something little to love and care for. She needed to be needed. The longing hurt her soul in a way that she couldn’t explain that she didn’t think he could understand, but he did understand he just loved her more than he loved himself and he couldn’t bear to see her suffer any longer.

”let’s stop trying, let’s take the pressure off, let’s just enjoy each other and see what happens” She agreed begrudgingly.

She began to relax. She began to enjoy him again and rest easy in his arms. Then after some time had passed and peace had filled their souls once more what should appear? Two little blue lines.

She held her breath, she dare not tell him, he couldn’t bare another loss. She waited a week for the bleeding to start but it never came, she waited a few more not daring to tempt fate by saying it aloud for anyone else to hear. The sickness began and the tiredness kicked in and she was filled with hope and excitement. She told him. He was wary too, this little delicates flower beginning to bloom inside her was too easily scared away. The weeks passed and her belly swelled and he loved to put his face to her skin and feel his baby move and dream and sing inside this beautiful vessel.

She was born under a night sky without a cloud in sight, the moonlight filled the room and she filled her lungs with air for the first time and cried the most beautiful cry that had ever been heard.

They called her Luna. Their lives had been an endless dark night until her brightness had chased the darkness away.