I've never been good with words. I've always had issues with them. Finding the right ones, using them. People do not understand them. But over time, I've learned to express myself in other ways. Through music. It is a way to communicate properly. It can be interpreted. I can understand myself better through it. From my emotions to my thoughts. I am a better person for it. Unfortunately, I don't know how it really put it. Because I'm able to find the songs, how do you make someone understand the music and interpret it the way that you do? It's nearly impossible. Because people can hear it in different ways. Everyone is different. Brains work differently than other ones. I had always known I was different, but I hated to think about it. My mom knew that.
So I'm still stuck with this stupid brain, that can't work properly. Why can I not just use words? Use my brain properly. My mom had always called me stupid. When she was around. My dad had left us before I was born. I had never received anything from him. I knew that my mom had child support though. But not nearly enough of it. When I was in my junior year of high school, one of my special education teachers took me into a room. She had me take a test. She saw the test and ran out of the room to the principal's office. They were inspecting it together, shocked by it. I was told then that I was a genius. My brain just didn't know how to process all the things I knew and be normal. I had been helping and not helping myself at the same time. I just wish we had known that before. It was hard to think you were stupid, but know you were smart at the same time.
I was told this was a test to graduate, like seniors. My teacher had known that I was like this all school year. I knew in a way that I was special, but she wouldn't admit it. Not until I attempted the test. She said I'd graduated. Secretly. So at the end of the school year, I was out of school. My mom didn't even show up to graduation. I pretended that it was fine, and my teacher just walked me across the stage and gave me a hug. It wasn't the same. When I got home and told my mom that I graduated high school, she just went to the fridge and said, "That's nice." I showed her my diploma and cap. She just laughed. "It's fake honey. Go to bed now. Rest that dumb head of yours," she remarked snarkily, laughing. But when the letter of recommended collages came in the mail, my mom started to be serious.
I applied to three and was approved for all. I picked my dream school and boom, I was off to college. Still, I couldn't really communicate well. In a few years' time, I graduated. My mom wasn't there either. That was it. I was officially a manager. I got a job and my own house. I was barely eighteen. But it was fine. My mom and I were barely in touch. I was able to communicate better than ever, but most of that was because of music. One day, I got a new client. Mind you, never had I liked anyone. My mom and dad never made me feel loved. My best friend was my teacher from those four years ago. I had nobody. Not many friends. I had never felt loved or liked by anyone. So when he walked into my office, I felt a brand new emotion.
I had my first crush. I stuttered every word I said to him. And then I put an earbud in. He put the other one in. "I love this song," he says. I can't believe it! It's my favorite song. I nod in response. I let the music wash over me and drown all of my emotions. I felt myself. I got to work on it. I told him he could go. "Um, ok?" he stuttered. "I'll be back tomorrow though, ok?" He asks. I nod. He puts down the earbud and leaves. I get to see him tomorrow! I was head over heels for him. His dark black slightly messy hair, brown eyes, and warm smile made me flutter. I woke up super early in the morning getting ready. I picked out my nicest clothes. I got myself some coffee and breakfast. I do some work, but it was hard because I was distracted by the thought of him.
And then he walked in. I told him that it was coming along nicely. He smiled and nodded. My stomach had butterflies in it. I had some music on my computer on. He smiled and started dancing along to it. Then he asked me out to dinner. I agreed immediately. Soon after that, we were officially dating. I have never felt so loved in all of my life. We share all of our music together. It is like this unbreakable connection between the two of us. Something that will never be broken. We both have similar tastes and interpretations of music. There is nothing that can break us. Which is why I got down on one knee. He started to cry. He then showed me why he was crying. He was planning to propose at the same time. So we both had our engagement rings and love that could never be stopped. We planned our wedding in no time.
But I chose not to invite my mom. He had never met her but knew the problem. I shared a song with him to help. So we chose not to invite her. As much as I loved her, I knew she would ruin my happiness. We had lost all contact. But other than that, I was happy with my life.