Not Again

Sensitive Material: This story discusses pregnancy loss and miscarriage.

Not Again

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Every life is filled with moments. Moments of happiness, sadness, joy, pain and love. Some moments we create for ourselves. Some moments create us. They define the way we think, the breath we breathe, our entire being. Pregnancy loss controls a person. Stifles her from moving on, living, grieving. It can make a person feel hopeless. Helpless. Lost. Angry. All of these emotions rolled together with no place for them to go. Until they are released.

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The blood was oozing now. The pain radiating up her arm into her neck. The hole in the wall was a reminder of her outburst. She should probably call for help. She was losing blood fast. This had been a bad idea. Not that she had cared about that. Her life was falling apart, what was one more crack in her heart. She hit the name HUBBY on her phone and waited for two rings.

“Lanie, what’s up?” Jayden asked.

“Jay, I need you…” then blackness overtook her.

************

Bright lights flashing in her eyes. Lanie tried to sit up. Felt straps around her wrists. She began to tug at the rope-like structure. “What is going on?” she yelled.

“Lanie, can you tell us where you are?” a voice asked in the distance.

“What? Me? No, I have no idea. Why won’t my arms work? What is this?” her breathing became rapid.

“Ok, Lanie, please calm down. This is Mercy City Hospital. My name is Dr. Carion. You were brought in by your husband. Ma’am it seems as though you have cut your hand on something? It is swollen and bruised. Lost some blood from the cuts. You were passed out when your husband got home. Do you remember what happened?”

Lanie began to shake the daze away. The memories started to engulf her. She remembered what had led to her being here. Was she ready to talk about it to a stranger? Was she ready to admit her life was falling apart on her again. Always her and Jay. Always getting shit on by the life around them.

“I do. I remember.”

“Would you care to tell us? It would help to determine the next plan of action. Your husband said you are pregnant?” the doctor asked.

Pain radiated in her stomach at the mention. Not pregnant. Not anymore. The thought made her sick. She rolled over and vomited off the side of the bed. “I’m sorry.” she said as she wiped the wetness from her lips.

“Lanie, did something happen tonight? Did you harm yourself on purpose? Are you feeling depressed? Was this an accident?”

“No, doctor, this was not an accident. And I was depressed, but I didn't mean to do this. Well not at first. This was life throwing me a curve ball again. This was someone testing my limits. This was what I would call a shit show at the end of my day. Oh and you can check “not pregnant” on that form. Because I’m not. At least not anymore.”

“Lanie, what happened today? Why are you not pregnant?”

“Well, doctor. I have been pregnant three times now, and I have zero babies. I would imagine it was just….hmm…what do they always call it? Non-viable pregnancy. Yes, I think that's what they say. I would imagine I was just one of the unlucky ones again. Another egg and sperm that couldn’t make it in this world. A good old fashioned miscarriage. Again. Third time’s a charm my ass.”

Dr. Carion stared at the broken woman. Quiet, unsure of his next words. She had been through this process enough. Giving her unwanted medical facts right now would not help the situation. “Lanie, how did your hand get in this condition?”

“Well, I have to tell you about my whole day first. The hand was just the icing on the cake, you know?” she asked the doctor. He nodded and she continued to tell him, “I started to bleed yesterday morning. Just a spot here and there. I tried to think happy thoughts. It could not be happening again. That is what I told myself. Then this morning, I woke up and I knew. I called my doctor and he got me right in. I’ve reached VIP status at his office,” she laughs sarcastically, “A private club I never wanted to join. I walked right in and got my ultrasound and bloodwork quickly. When he called me into his private office, I knew it wasn’t to tell me it was a false alarm. It was the big M again. I am kind of numb to it at this point. The worst part was when I was getting up to leave. He says to me, ‘The good news is that you can get pregnant. And now that you have had three, we might be able to do some tests to determine what is causing them. That’s good news, Lanie. We might figure out what is doing this to you.’ Imagine that - I have lost so many that now I can qualify for tests to find out why. I love my OB, I do. That though, that hurt. I guess I just left his office mad. And sad. And really needing an outlet to take the pain away. Or I guess move the pain from my heart.”

“Lanie, what did you do next? Did you try to hurt yourself?”

“Why do I have restraints on my arms?” Lanie asked, trying to sit up. Realizing her lack of movement had nothing to do with her hand.

“We have to make sure you are not a risk to yourself any more.”

“Dr. Carion is it? I was never a risk to myself. I didn’t try to hurt anyone. When I got home, I lost it. Walked through my front door and sank to the floor in my hallway. I sobbed for thirty five minutes. Then Jay called me. Asked me what was for dinner. I wiped my tears and got up. Smiling through the phone, pretending to be okay. I am always pretending lately. I knew tonight I would have to tell him the news. Break his heart like the day had broken mine. So I went upstairs to lay down for a bit. When I got to the top of the stairs, I walked by the spare bedroom. The room that would someday become a nursery. I went inside and looked around. Hanging on the wall is a sign I bought the day after my first miscarriage. It says, ‘I will always wonder who you would have been.’ I guess you could say after I read that, I lost it. I pulled it down off the wall. Threw it. Then I went over to the spot and tried to take the nail out of the wall. I wanted to destroy any sign that there had been something in that place. I grabbed Jay’s hammer from the closet and tried to yank out the nail. When it wouldn’t budge, I took the hammer and slammed it against the wall. I guess I was too strong. It went through and so did my hand. When I pulled it back out, I scraped my whole hand and some of my wrist on the jagged wall. I guess it did more damage than I thought it would. And while the blood oozed down and the pain radiated all up my arm, for one small split second, my heart pain went away. It was the first time in two years that I had an ache from somewhere besides my chest.”

“Lanie, do you want to harm yourself?”

“No, doctor. I don’t want to hurt myself. I also don’t want to feel this pain anymore. It’s a sticky situation I am in. I want to stop feeling like I am drowning while everyone around me is swimming marathons. Do you think it is possible to stop feeling that way?” she looked up at the doctor, hopeful.

“I am not sure. I am glad to hear that this was an accident. I wish there was some magic wand I could wave to make it all better. There is not. And I wish I had some words of wisdom that would change your pain. There is not. There is only time. And talking. And love. And while it was a club you did not want to join, there are other members you can talk to. They cannot make the pain and sadness go away either. But they are there. And they are willing to listen. And talk.” Dr Carion said..

“Oh, well. It sucks, am I right?” she shrugged.

“Yes, you are right. And it will get better. Just not today. And not tomorrow. But someday, you will wake up, and it will be better. And you will breathe again. And the cracks will be smaller.”

“Wow, doctor. Thanks for the talk. Are you a shrink? Did they send me a shrink?” Lanie asked, side eyeing the doctor.

“They may have asked for a consult. Your husband is very worried about you. I think we all are. I want to make sure you leave here with help.” Dr Carion laid a card on the table beside her bed. “In case you need someone to talk to.”

Jayden tried to hide his cough in the doorway. Lanie heard it. “Jay. I didn’t want you to find out this way.”

“We lost the baby?” He asked.

“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry,” Lanie repeated.

“Sorry for what? You didn’t do this. No one did. It’s the crap hand we’ve been dealt. I was worried when you called. My whole life hung on that moment. Getting to you. Helping you. You scared the shit out of me,” he said.

“Sorry about that too. Guess I should control the beast inside me.”

“I don’t know Lanie. I think maybe it had to come out. This feels like an endless loop. We keep losing pieces of ourselves. Yet we smile and laugh. Tell our families we are doing fine. Maybe attacking the wall will help us break out of this cycle. We needed this. To remind us and everyone in our lives that we are not ok. That we are broken. And to admit that we need help. Both of us.” Jayden sat down in the chair beside her bed. He laid his head on her stomach and wept. 

**********

Lanie was discharged four hours later after a round of IV antibiotics and some fluids. 

“Lanie, why didn’t you tell me this morning what was going on?” Jayden asked as he drove her home.

“I guess I was hoping I was wrong this time. You know how bad my anxiety is. I thought maybe I was stressing myself out too much.”

“What is our next step? Are we going to try again? Do the tests? What do you think?”

“Right now, I want to finally mourn our losses. I think it is time to process the grief because the truth is I have walked around smiling and pretending for far too long. I am not okay. I am not happy. And these have been the worst experiences of my life. I think it is time I acknowledge all of that. Truthfully.” Lanie said, wiping a tear from her cheek.

“Then that is what we will do. Take a break. Heal our pain.”

“And then, if Dr. Carion is right, one day we'll wake up and take a breath and feel ok. If that day comes, then we will try again.”

“When that day comes, that is what we will do,” Jayden said. 

“Yes, when it comes.” Lanie said, smiling for the first time in a long time. She squeezed Jayden’s hand as they drove home. Ready to start grieving and healing.

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