Love, Lost & Found

“What are you trying to say?” Rose looked at him as he stood up, not meeting her eyes right away.

George lifted his hand to cup her cheek, then stared into her eyes, his hazel eyes mirroring her confusion and sadness. She nuzzled his hand and closed her eyes briefly, savoring his touch and bracing herself with a deep breath. When she dared to look at him she noted the furrowed brows, his lips turned down at the corners and she just went blank, expressionless, waiting for his answer.

“I think we should separate for a bit. Take some space. Try to stand on our own two feet individually,” his voice was soft, trailing off and his Adam's apple bobbed gently as he swallowed, his eyes getting glassy. His thumb brushed over her cheek, wiping away the traitorous tears that ran down her face. “Please don’t cry, sweetheart. You’re still my best friend and I still love you very much.”

She sank down onto the bed, her hands in her lap, her gaze on the light blue carpet below. She was staring at it, but not really seeing it. Rose felt herself leave her body a little, dissociating from the shock of what he said. He sat down beside her, close enough to touch but not enough to overwhelm her. George wrapped an arm around her and she leaned in, her head resting on his shoulder. Even now she found comfort in his presence, safe even.

“You don’t want to be with me anymore…” her throat felt full, her chest was tight, she tried to swallow back the tears but the floodgates fully opened.

“Rose, it’s not that. We’ve grown apart. I’m sure I'm not the only one who noticed. We just need a little time apart for a bit. Maybe date other people. Try to find what makes us happy. Who knows what will happen in the future.”

She didn’t speak, unable to find the words. He didn’t want to be with her. He was done trying. It was over. What was she going to do? How did this even happen? She knew with her depression and anxiety taking over she had pushed him away, lashed out, said things she didn’t mean, hurt him when she didn’t mean to. Her heart was so full of regret. She was losing him. Or had she already lost him? Was it too late to reconcile? What if he never came back? Her head was swimming.

Her voice was barely above a whisper, “Please don’t leave me…” Her heart was breaking. Couldn’t he see?

George inhaled deeply, “I don’t want to. But i’m burnt out. I keep trying to make you happy, make everyone happy. I’ve lost myself by playing just a supportive role. I’ve sacrificed parts of myself, my desires, my needs, to make you happy. I can’t keep doing that. I feel so lost.”

“I never asked you to sacrifice yourself for my happiness. I wish you had told me. I could have fixed it then.”

“I tried. I tried to tell you. But you kept waving it away like it was nothing, like I was just being silly. So I pushed it all down. I cried by myself, hurting all alone because I didn't want to stress you out any more. I can’t do that anymore. I’m empty.”

His words were heavy, hitting home. She nodded, knowing he was right, but not wanting to admit it. She dared a look at him, his chin trembled and his eyes were full of unshed tears. One lone tear rolled down his cheek as he touched her hair, this was hard for him too.

“You’re going to find someone better than me, one who makes you happy, and you’re never going to come back,” the words rushed out of her before she could keep them in check, sobs wracking her as she crumbled in his arms.

He held her close, whispering how sorry he was, how much he loved her, that he couldn’t see his life without her in it. She absorbed his words, clinging to him like a life raft. Rose was sinking, feeling herself drowning in her sadness, waves of darkness crashing over her. There was a roaring in her ears, making it hard to hear what he was saying. She was floating away, drifting into an abyss she couldn’t even fathom.

“I’m not looking for someone better. I just need a chance to find myself again. We both do. This is a chance for us to figure out what we really want, to discover what brings us happiness. I still love you. That’s never going to change, Bay.” He kissed her hair, pulling her into his lap and cuddling her close.

Her voice sounded small and far away, even to her. “You make me happy. I just want you. Please don’t.”

“Rose…,” his voice broke and he tried again, “I haven’t made you happy in a couple years. I don’t have anything more to give right now. I’m so sorry.”

They lay down, holding one another and crying, reveling in the warmth of one another for what seemed like the last time. Her eyes closed as minutes passed, they were frozen in time if she just kept her eyes closed. She didn’t know how long they stayed like that, holding onto one another as soulmates do when they’re going through a hard time. After a while she found her voice.

“I just want you to be happy, Angel. If this is what you need, what you feel like you have to do, I’ll do my best to respect that.” She swallowed. “But I hope someday you’ll come back to me. You’re the love of my life and I don’t know how to get through things without you. I don’t know how to live or go on without you beside me. I don’t know how to do this.”

“I want you to be happy, too. I really do. You’re the love of my life as well, Rose and I hope for that too. I really do. I don’t know how to do this either, but we have one another. We’ll get through this together. This isn’t me not wanting you in my life. If we keep going on this way though, one day we’ll resent one another. I don’t want that. We’ve already been arguing and we never used to do that. I want to preserve what we have left. I still want you around, I just need you to be my platonic friend right now. I don’t know how to do this without you…” His hand smoothed her hair away from her face, running down her back.

All choked up, all she could come up with was, “Ditto.”

Within a week he had found a place and moved out. They still texted every day, telling one another they missed each other. Co-parenting wasn’t hard as they both wanted the best for one another and their kids. All three were very confused and sad, asking when Dad would be moving back in because they missed him. They wanted to know why they weren’t together anymore and if they still loved one another. Rose and George did their best to reassure them, telling them that these things happen sometimes, people grow apart and that they were still best friends.

Rose tried to date, most failing miserably. Mostly she needed the distraction from the heartbreak, but underneath it all she just wanted to be loved and wanted the same for him. Within a month he had found someone else and moved in. It was all new and exciting for him, but he seemed happy with his new romance. She cried herself to sleep every night for months, wishing for things to be different, wanting him back, hoping that true love would conquer all in the end. She never stopped wanting him or needing him, but she did her best to move on. They never stayed.

With her confidence taking a huge hit knowing that her soulmate decided not to be with her anymore and wondering if there was a point to dating. If she couldn’t make it work with her one true love, she figured she had no hope in hell of it working out with anyone else. Her dating was just a distraction from the heartache, a way to feel less alone while he had found a new relationship. Joe took him out and about, showing him off, and added her on Facebook, trying to be her friend. It didn’t take long to discover she wasn’t as great as he thought. Love makes you blind though.

Soon enough he admitted she was an alcoholic who was hung up on the fact that George and Rose were still close, best friends. She was jealous that her ex didn’t care enough about her to be that way, her words. In the 8 months of them dating, Joe started taking things out on George, cheating on him and saying cruel, hurtful things to push him away. Rose was there for him, even though it was hard. She didn’t have it in her to make him feel as abandoned as she felt. How could he find someone else? Had he forgotten about her?

“I don’t think I can take it anymore, Rose. I hate it here. She won’t get help. As cruel as she is, I keep telling myself it’s because her ex was abusive. That it’s a trauma response. But I think it’s more than that. I thought I could help her heal, be here for her, show her what love is supposed to be like. But she doesn’t want any of it. She told me she misses being single, feels trapped by being with me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I'm doing wrong.” His voice was pleading, desperate, needing her advice.

Rose took a deep breath, trying to stay calm even though she wanted to beg him back. Again. He made it clear before that maybe someday they’d try again, but that this wasn’t their time for that. He was still healing. So was she if she was being honest. It was hard being supportive of him being with someone else, but her love for him never died. She was beginning to think that she would always hold a torch for him, but she was getting to a place of acceptance of the situation. Finally.

“That’s bullshit. Listen to me, you’ve done nothing wrong. She’s the one doing all the bad stuff. All you’ve done is love and support her. All she’s done is hurt you and push you away. Yet you still try to see the good in her.”

“There is good in her, it’s just buried way deep down somewhere now. I don’t think I can keep doing this. I don’t think I can stay with her.”

Her heart jumped, hope floating to the surface once more, but she squashed it. “You should do what you need to do to be happy, Bay.”

He exhaled loudly. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For always being here for me. For never giving up on me. You’re the only one in my life who’s never given up on me. I appreciate you so much. I don’t know how I would get through any of this without you.”

She bit her lip, thankful he couldn’t see it over the phone. “You’re my best friend. I’ll always be here. I promised.” There was more she wanted to say, but she held her tongue. This wasn’t the time to confess feelings bubbling up. She could do this.

A comfortable silence followed as they sat there together, but separated, until finally he responded. “I love you. I miss you so much.”

She paused a beat, letting it sink in, a thrill going up her spine. “I love you and miss you too. That never stopped.”

“I need to figure out how to leave. The problem is her kids. I love them and they love me too. I’m not just leaving her, i’ll be leaving them too. I don’t know how to do that.”

“I know.” Say it, say it, say it. She blurted, unable to help it. “Are you saying you want to try again? With me? Or am I somehow misunderstanding?” Hope filled her, but a voice in her head prepared her for the possibility that he was just venting and she had taken it out of context.

“No, you didn’t misunderstand. I do. There’s nobody else I’d rather be with or work things out with. I just need time to figure this out. I’m so sorry. About everything. I hope in time you’ll forgive me. I’ll start looking for places. I can’t live in this town with her here. Shit she’s back and already wasted. I have to go. Thank you again and I'll text you later.”

He said it all so casually that she was stunned for a beat. “Okay. Talk to you later, Bay. Love you.”

His voice was quiet, “I love you too.”

She blinked and stared at the phone after he hung up. Did that just happen? Pleasure filled her, but also anger, which was a surprise. Her blood boiled. Rose sat there wondering why she was angry when she was finally going to get what she wanted. The answer hit her in the middle of making dinner for the kids. She had finally gotten to the place of acceptance, of being okay, of getting used to being alone and standing on her own two feet. After she acknowledged that, the anger faded away, a sliver of happiness rising like the sun on a cloudy day.

It would be hard and they would have to start over fresh. She knew they couldn’t allow the past to dictate their future and would have some things to work through. But for the first time in nearly nine months she finally felt like things were going to be okay again. It wouldn’t all be easy breezy moving forward, but the possibility of the future seemed brighter. The black cloud that had been hanging over her head, her regrets turning into shame and self depreciation, felt lighter as it started to float away. The idea of moving again felt overwhelming, but she knew it was exactly what they needed to get back on track. She smiled. It would all be okay. Soon. She felt it in her bones.