What Links Us to Dolphins and Bonobos

Dear Reader,

In a less prudish society, this text might never have come into existence, as it wouldn’t have been worth mentioning. But—unfortunately—writing about certain topics is still frowned upon. Even if it’s about something that connects us to dolphins and bonobo apes. So, it can only be a beautiful thing!

It’s about my first time. No, no, I don’t mean that first time, the one that BuzzFeed-reading teenagers longingly anticipate and work toward—with a boyfriend, a kiss, holding hands in the hallway, and those three big words: “I’m ready.” The one that, afterward, you share with your friends, relieved and proud (or perhaps a little disappointed). I successfully navigated that first time parallel to my final exams, just like many other girls and boys my age.

In the following lines, I’d like to tell you about another, often-tabooed but equally important first time. An experience that I waited five years, two months, and eleven days for—one that hit me with full force and made me question quite a bit about my self-image and worldview.

In short—it’s about my first orgasm with a man. So, yes, the story has a happy ending.

After my final exams, Boyfriend No. 1 was followed by Boyfriend No. 2, and eventually by Boyfriend No. 3. The latter left me with tears, anger, and heartbreak. At some point, after months of self-imposed male isolation (thanks to my own protective walls and, of course, COVID), Tinder suddenly appeared on my phone.

With Max, I drank hot chocolate by the river. With Daniel, I stretched my legs on cold walks. With Pablo, I laughed at deserted bus stops. And with Kai, I had absolutely nothing to talk about.

Then, five years, two months, and eleven days after my official first time with Boyfriend No. 1, I finally met Michael.

♥ IT'S A MATCH ♥

Michael isn’t as tall as he looks in his photos, nor as slim as his pre-COVID vacation pictures might suggest. But then again, my super casual festival photo is already two years old at this point. Despite these minor visual discrepancies, I like Michael quite a lot. Bonus points: On the coldest day of December, he brought a thermos of tea and two cups.

Michael and I hit it off immediately. It turns out we both share a strong dislike for mushrooms, consider puns to be the highest form of humor, and have never watched Dinner for One, a quirky British comedy sketch that’s a big New Year’s tradition in Germany. We plan to fix that after our obligatory walk. But things take a different turn.

When Michael and I arrive at my temporarily empty flat share, we collapse onto my bed with an exhausted wump! and, surprise, surprise, we have something else in mind.

I nestle against his burgundy sweater, breathing in the sweet scent of Ariel detergent and faintly faded aftershave. He wraps an arm around my shoulder and buries his nose in my hair. His fingertips slowly trace their way from the top of my head down to my neck, gently brushing aside a few strands of hair. I feel his lips on my neck, his warm breath close to my ear...

On April 8, 2019, a German broadcasting station published an article about the astonishing sexual behavior of dolphins. Canadian researchers reportedly discovered that female dolphins have a clitoris that bears a striking resemblance to its human counterpart. Unlike the human clitoris, however, the dolphin's is located right at the entrance of the vagina. This has led researchers to speculate that female dolphins might experience more intense orgasms than women. Additionally, dolphins have been observed adopting sexual positions unsuitable for reproduction—an indication that dolphins engage in sex for pleasure. A similar phenomenon has been observed in bonobo apes, as female bonobos are also said to have a clitoris and, consequently, orgasms. Isn’t that wonderful?

According to a representative survey by the Journal of Sexual Medicine, 95% of heterosexual men regularly orgasm during sex. For heterosexual women, that figure is just 65%. In other words, one in three women doesn’t climax regularly during sex. Even more alarming: 21% of the women surveyed said they had never had an orgasm during sex.

Meanwhile, behavioral scientist David Frederick of Chapman University in California found that 86% of women in non-heterosexual relationships regularly reach orgasms. Why does sex become more complicated when a man is involved?!

After three long, sexually active relationships, I accepted my fate. Perhaps I'm just one of the statistics of the unlucky ones. If my boyfriend doesn't come, it's a defeat; if I don't come, it's normal. To the question ‘So, did you...?’ I always answered, ‘No, but it was still nice’.

It was different with Michael. From the very beginning, he made me the centre of our little centre of our little universe. He breathed his lustful thoughts into my ear, touched me from top to bottom, massaged me, licked me, and blurred the passage of time. He opened the portal to a magical world where my clitoris carried the sceptre. And my mind was its slave.

After my body was finally overwhelmed by a long, liberating orgasm, I began to cry. Primarily, I cried because of the overdose of countless happiness hormones flooding my system, triggering emotional confusion. I mourned the self-love I had never allowed myself in all my relationships. I cried at my own body, at the unexpected fatigue that suddenly washed over me. And, finally, I cried because I was crying, leaving Michael’s chest tear-soaked and snot-covered.

And I wondered: How many of the 21% of surveyed women unknowingly share my past experiences? How many feel neither worthy nor brave enough to voice their sexual desires and fantasies? How much are we influenced by movies where women either climax very quickly and loudly or not at all—because the man’s orgasm takes center stage? Why is the female orgasm still a mystery? And why do I hesitate to write about this experience under a writing prompt?

So here we are: two Tinder matches eating pasta, sipping cocoa, and not laughing even once. Before Butler James can trip over the tiger rug for the eighth time, I set my plate and cup aside and pause the New Year’s classic.

“Fancy a second round?” I ask. Michael smiles.

“Same procedure as last time?”

I nod.

But this time, I’m on top.