I Am New

People don’t like to keep your past buried. I know one place that has literally kept people under the ground. Contessa told me about this place. I thought she was joking. We grew up together in the 90’s. We both were good for exploring and hanging out sitting in the trees. Us Sitting in the trees allowed us to see for miles. Beauty that is heaven on earth.

Contessa explained the location of this place was not accessible like the city or suburbs. A country dirt path, trees for miles, and an SUV or heavy-duty truck like an F-150 only could get up those hills. I love the feeling of the rockiness of the truck. It reminds me of how life can be. It is those moments that teach us to learn or grow from the lesson. I didn’t just learn from the lesson, I spiritually grew from the lesson. As we continued to go up the hill, I felt something was changing. I could not explain it, but I could actually feel it. Experiencing so much disappointment in life from childhood to adulthood, I don’t get excited or express my emotions as I should. The rocky path was cleared to a gravel road. The road was narrow, the trees looked like they were higher than the road, which inclined in the upward direction. The view through the trees wasn’t visible. It appeared the ground was moving. I have never been through an earthquake. The ground seemed to be swallowing certain trees. I didn’t want to say anything to Contessa just yet. She would tell me when we were kids that my imagination was overwild. If you remember seeing the movie “Sixth Sense”, I think I felt like that little boy in the scene when he saw the other little boy who was shot in the head. I am gasping in my mind every time I see this ground swallow a tree. After driving for miles, we reached this place. It looked like an old Baptist church with an extension of a small ranch house. I turned my head to look forward, this woman had her hands and arms full of cucumbers or zucchini. Contessa hit the button to roll down the window. She yells out the window while driving. Mentally, I am saying a prayer not to run this woman over and hit the church ranch house or whatever it may be. Contessa stops the truck. I hesitate to get out of the truck. Contessa runs to grab those items out of the woman's hand. ‘Tessa places them on the cucumbers or zucchini on the patio table on the porch. ‘Tessa screams for me to get out of the car. “Come meet Lou!”, she yells. I took a deep breath. I grabbed my backpack and opened the truck door so slowly that you would have thought I was a senior citizen. I had my head down. I looked up and Lou was at the truck waiting for me to get out. She put my hand over mine as I was bracing myself to get out of the truck. My feet hit the ground. I had this overwhelming emotion to hug her like this was my grandmother. I leaned in and put my head on her shoulder. I started crying, for no reason. The tears wouldn’t stop. Lou whispered, “It was time to let go of all the disappointment.” I passed out. I don’t remember anything. I woke up in the morning, like the break of day. I could see the sun bursting through the curtains. The room had a decor of the panelling and a log cabin. I had a stove heater if it got chilly during the night. The old-fashioned wood floors made a sound with each step. These are the floors that give you memories of your grandparent's house in the country. The bed was an old bed frame from the sixties. You can’t find those types of beds anymore. The mattress was wonderful. I couldn’t get back in the bed to relax. My mind was ready to find the answers to what I saw yesterday. Just when I was about to prepare myself to get ready, I heard a knock at my door.

“Who is it?”, I ask.

“Lou”, she replies.

I opened the door. She had a breakfast tray in her hand. The food was covered. I removed the tray from her hands. She came in and sat on the bed.

“How does your soul feel this morning?”, she asks. I paused. I did not know the answer to that. I never had anyone ask me that question before.

“I do not know”, I reply.

Lou laughed. “You've never been asked that before”, she said.

“Yes!”

“Your face said it when I asked the question.” She leaned over to the other side of the bed. She whispered, “You will heal and find peace here. I put fresh towels and bath cloth in the bathroom. Finish your breakfast, we are going to take a walk in the woods. Contessa told me you would be iffy about going with me. Contessa enjoys working in the garden. This is what gives her peace and healing. Lilly, you have pains from your childhood that Contessa does not have any idea. She is your best friend. She has no clue.” The tears begin to roll again. This time I heard a weeping sound come from me that I did not know I could make. I heard Tessa trying to come in. You told her to go away, and Lilly will be fine. She needs this to heal.

“Go get in the shower”, she demanded.

I got up, got my clothes, and prepared to get in the shower. I cried. I sat in the shower letting the water run off every tear I could never say, tell, or express. I got out of the shower. I felt a little lighter. I opened my room door. Lou was with her wood stick and a backpack, signaling with her hand to come on. I walked slowly behind her. I could feel the ground moving.

“Lilly, the ground is moving”, she said softly. The closer you and I get the mount you will see why. We walked for two miles. The mount was a “Lion King”. “Lou, where is Mufasa?”, I asked.

“Shut up. You are silly. I see why you and Tessa are friends.” Lou handed me a small journal.

“Lilly sat down and wrote about every pain of disappointment.”

I started writing everything I could remember from my childhood. I had pages and pages. I was writing so much until Lou said. “Let's do this. We will have to do your childhood today. Tomorrow your adulthood.”

“Ok”, I reply. My face felt like the woman who got caught in the rain while wearing makeup. I was a hot mess. Lou took a thick old fashion towel and cleaned my face. Tessa was the only one who would care for me that way. Lou had a motherly feeling that I never experienced as a child. I could feel myself melting. It wasn’t me melting, but the walls I had built from life hurts and disappointments.

“Stand up, Lilly”

I stood up. I met her on the mount.

“Lilly, when you are ready. You have three instructions. When you tear a page of the journal. First, say this prayer “God, I forgive to let go and heal. The disappointment and pain have no more power over my heart and soul. God bury this and a new day begins. Amen. Second, throw the page over the mount. Third, turn your back and walk away.”

“What if I want to see where it goes?”

“ You don’t want to see something buried. You want to see something grow.”

That is when I knew I had allowed myself to be buried with my disappointment. I was ready. I followed the instructions. I felt the ground move every time I completed the prayer. It was night when we came down from the mountain. I ate light that night. I was ready to close my past for good the next day. When I woke up the next morning, I could answer Lou's question. “My soul felt free”, I replied. The process of adulthood didn’t take as long. I completed the process. I couldn’t explain what I felt. I knew I didn’t want to go back to where I was. This peace and healing is wonderful. I looked different. The day we left it was early morning before sunrise. Tessa and I made it our mission to bring someone here to help them heal and be whole. I knew my past was buried underground, literally. I am new.