HER

Spending many years of her life believing the only way to move forward is by letting life be, Shay always felt everything would find a way to work itself out. Her logic revolved around the idea that your strength will take you where you are meant to be. Little did she know, to be strong, you will first need to be weak, and to move forward, you need to face the past. 

Living with her parents, Shay had the tendency to feel numb. Locking her thoughts away, she’d let her feelings sit, never to be addressed. Why would she? Her life appeared to be wholesome. She was going to university, had a part-time job, and had a social life. Everything she wanted to do, she did. From the clothes in her closet to get her nails done, Shay was doing it all for a 22-year-old. Using the city and the tangible things that came with it as her escape, Shay believed she was in full control. 

Until that night ……. 

“Shay … Shay .. SHAY!” her boyfriend repeated. 

“Yeah, I’m sorry. I zoned out for a second”, she responded. 

“It’s fine but where did you go? You looked like you were somewhere else” he said. 

Realizing she’s never been asked that question before, nor has she ever shared her deep thoughts with anyone, “Nowhere, I’m just tired” she said in an attempt to shrug off his question. But in all actuality, Shay was very much aware of where her mind was. They were all thoughts, and that was what they were meant to be thoughts. Her thoughts, her feelings. 

See, the thing is, as time passed, those numb, unaddressed feelings only grew bigger and more powerful. So powerful, that they were the only thoughts Shay had in her head. Shay always felt confident in her ability to contain these thoughts, feeling as if that was the source of her strength. Because she was Shay Adair. Once she was aware, that’s all that mattered. 

“Honestly Shay, I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be with someone who refuses to share their thoughts with me. Ever since we started dating, it’s been a constant battle trying to get past the walls you have up” her boyfriend admitted. 

“That’s fine. I’m not gonna force you to be here if you don’t want to be!” she snapped back. 

Leaving her boyfriend’s apartment, Shay decided to enjoy the summer evening doing one of her favorite activities – walking through the city while being high and listening to music. Escaping, while escaping, while escaping. 

One block before the train station, Shay noticed a new boutique had opened – Nisway. For some odd reason, she felt compelled to go inside. As she entered, the smell of lavender, oat milk, and mahogany filled the air. From candles and journals to teas and mugs, Shay felt a sense of belonging. 

“Hi there, can I help you find anything?” a woman asked. She seemed sweet, and fashionable, and looked like she was around the same age as Shay. 

“Oh, no. I’m just looking. This place seems so homey, I love the aesthetic”. 

“Why thank you! I wanted to make sure the boutique embraced the message I’m trying to promote” she responded. 

Being caught off guard, “this is your shop?” Shay asked. 

Can’t help but smile, “this is one of my dreams come true and a vision brought to life” she responded. “I won’t keep you, feel free to look around and let me know if you’d like help with anything”. 

Walking towards the wall with journals, Shay felt her heart beat stronger and her body heated. A journal with a plain white hardcover with the title “HER” engraved in bold gold caps caught her eye. The scent of fresh paper brushed her nose, bringing down her heartbeat. Opening the first page of the journal, at the top right corner it read “Your heart is your power, your mind is your strength”. Beside the wall of journals were books and magazines Shay wanted to get lost in. Gazing at the books, she had that lump feeling in her throat you get when you cry. 

“I’m sorry, but are you okay? You look teary-eyed”. It was the owner of the boutique again. 

“Sorry, I don’t know why this is happening. I’ll leave”. 

“Let me get you a tissue so you can get cleaned up” the owner responded. 

After wiping her face, feeling embarrassed, Shay needed to get out of there. To her surprise the owner was understanding. “Listen, I don’t know what you’re dealing with, but I can sense there’s a lot you need to get out. Writing has always been for me, it still is” she explained. 

With that thought in mind, Shay felt compelled to write. To free her mind. To let everything out. To let herself feel. It was not until that moment; that she knew she did not want to live this way anymore.

“So .. what would I write about?”

“Write about whatever’s in your head. You’d be amazed at how reliving it feels. Something I recommend keeping in mind is that emotional pain has the same effect as physical pain.”

Shay went on to spend the rest of her evening writing. She didn’t care if it made any sense if her writing was in chronological order. Everything kept flowing, everything felt right. After writing as much as she could, the first person that came to mind was her boyfriend and how she really felt about him. She knew deep down she didn’t want her relationship to be over. It was as if an emotional door had opened. With a clear mind and her journal in hand, Shay wanted to share how she felt. 

*KNOCK KNOCK* 

Before he could say a word, “I want you to read this”, she said while holding her journal. “This is where my mind goes whenever you ask me what I’m thinking. This is why I’m so guarded. Well, a small amount of it …. This is me letting you in”.

“Are you ready to face your past? Because that is the only way for you to move forward” replied her boyfriend as he continued to read. 

“I’m ready”.