Together, Always and Forever

Night shifts have always been my favorite. The air is settled and chilly, the warmth of the lights inside the diner fighting off the dreary blackness that lingers outside. Night shifts are when I rest, as the customers come few and far between, leaving me with time to think, with time to close my eyes and just be, for a moment. To be at peace, without any rush to get somewhere, without the stress of never-ending work and judging eyes. 

Tonight, I resent it. Tonight, more than ever, I wish I could run from the flickering lights and the hum of appliances. I long to be at home, letting the dripping water and frayed blankets lull me to sleep. More than anything, I want to be with my son, whom I pray is sleeping comfortably, unaware of my absence. 

As my surroundings remain dreadfully dull, I am reminded of how I abandoned him earlier. How I looked him in the eyes and lied to him about how I would stay, always and forever. How as soon as he snored, I unwrapped myself from his shivering body, pulled the blankets higher, and left. On his birthday, no less. 

I make a halfhearted attempt to scold myself for my language, to excuse myself because I need the money. But I know this is all my fault. I see how everyone looks at me when I walk with him. I hear when they say when they think they can’t be heard. 

"Slut," they scowl, glaring in my direction, followed by a condescending piteous laugh. “If only she had kept her legs shut.”

“Not now,” I whisper, with only myself to hear. “Not here.” I can feel myself slipping, down into a void, where disapproval and judgment are all I can ever hear. Shameful tears glide down my cheeks, the salty taste landing on my tongue.

For the first time, I allow myself to cry. Ugly, shaking sobs wracking my frame, I lament the loss of the dreams I had as a child. I’m reminded of the friends and family I lost over this mistake, reliving their reaction to my pregnancy for what must have been the thousandth time. When I was alone, abandoned by the ones that I believed loved me unconditionally. Laughing bitterly, I sneer at my naive younger self, who hoped that she could accomplish something in life, who believed that she was lovable. 

It’s in times like these that I resent my son and hate myself for it. It’s not fair to him. He did not ask for a mess of a mother who can't even put food on his plate. He did not ask to be left alone. 

Suddenly, the chime of the doorbell drags me back to reality, and I realize, horrified, that a customer has arrived. Scrambling to wipe away my tears and put on a smile, I become the professional shell of myself, tedious emotions locked away. But I am surprised as my coworker, Samantha, hurries inside, reaching over to hug me before joining me behind the counter.

“Hi,” is all I murmur, too exhausted to process or point out that she was early by four whole hours. 

“I’m taking over for you,” she answers, smiling warmly as she changes into her uniform without looking at me. 

However, when I don’t respond, she giggles gently, walking over to hug me again. I barely register it. “It’s Xavier’s birthday, right?”

I can only nod, blankly staring behind her, both overwhelmed and numb. 

She smiles, ushering me to the back room. “Then go spend it with him.”

That’s the push that brings back my bawling, and I cling to her sweatshirt helplessly. “Thank you, Sam, thank you so much,” I repeat incoherently.

“Then stop wasting time,” she breathes, giving me a soft shove and the warmest smile I’ve seen in ages. Briefly, I wonder what I've done to deserve her, before realizing that, at the moment, I couldn't care less. I rush to gather my belongings, and although I don’t say another word, I’m confident Sam knows how grateful I am as I leave the diner.

I run through the night, feeling free and almost happy, for the first time in forever. It doesn’t take long before I’m dashing up the stairs, bursting into the apartment, and dropping my bag without a second thought. 

His soft cries echo through the room, and my heart shatters, the cold emptiness in my chest pushing unshed tears to fall. “Hi, I’m back,” I whisper, hurrying to his side. Sniffling, I crushing him in a hug, squeezing him tight and doing my best to take slow, calming breaths. 

“I thought you had left,” he cries, holding onto my uniform, which I was in too much of a rush to take off. “I woke up, and you weren’t here! You said you would be here!” His whimpers grow louder as he buries his face in my neck, hurt and guilt spreading burning pain throughout my body.

“I know, baby, I know, and I’m so so sorry. I just had to go to work, and I tried to take a day off, I really did, by you- you know how my boss is, right? Every second I was thinking about you, baby, I promise, I wanted more than anything to be here-”

“Stay,” he pleads, eyes wide as he pulls away slightly to look at me. “Please.”

“Of course. I promise,” I smile, unable to refuse such a request and brushing his tears away gently.

“Pinky swear?”

“I pinky swear,” I laugh through my tears, intertwining my pinky with his. “Momma never wants to leave you again, you know," I whisper, pressing a soft kiss to his forehead. "Now go to sleep, I’ll be here when you wake up.” 

Xavier curls into me, and I wrap my arms around him, holding him close. “How could I ever leave you?” I ask quietly, "I love you so, so much."

“I love you too,” he smiles, and we drift into a peaceful slumber, together.