Happy Wife

HAPPY WIFE

“I remember that you said you knew where we were going. “ Faye crossed her arms across her chest, frustration and anger marring her normally placid features. “I remember you saying that you had studied the map, and didn’t need to actually bring it with us.”

“That’s not what I said.” Colin mirrored Faye’s body language, crossing his arms across his chest, staring back at her.

“Oh no?” said Faye, raising her eyebrows. “What exactly did you say?”

“I said that I had looked at the map and had a pretty good idea where we were going.”

“Okay. So how’s your ‘pretty good idea’ working out for us now?” she snarked. “And why the fuck don’t we have a map! We’re hiking in the back country. Only idiots don’t bring a map!”

Faye stomped her feet, her eyes welling up.

“We’re going to die out here because you, Colin, ‘the great outdoorsman’ didn’t think that you would need a map when we are IN THE WILDERNESS!” she yelled.

She stomped her feet a second time.  

“Where our phones don’t work!”

She stomped her feet a third time.

“Where we are the ONLY people for ten thousand miles in any direction!”

She stomped her feet for the fourth time. And, dissolved into tears. 

Colin just looked at her. He wasn’t sure what to do when she was like this. She wasn’t crying because was sad — she was crying because she was so furious and so frustrated with him, that she'd started to cry instead of smacking him for being stupid. Colin figured it was best to keep his distance.

In hindsight, he should have brought the map. He knew that, for sure. But he couldn’t tell Faye that he had planned to bring the map all along, but forgot it. Not at home, but in the car. So close, but in reality, a world away.

So he just stood there, letting Faye vent. And vent she did. For about ten minutes, stomping around the little clearing that they were in, growling, pointing her finger at him, shaking her head, muttering about stupid husbands.

Once she’d exhausted herself, she sat down on a log, and looked up at him.

“I’m sorry. I should have downloaded the map onto my phone. Or brought my own copy. This is supposed to be our hiking trip, one we planned for together. We’re both guilty of not being prepared.”

Sitting beside her, Colin looked out across the vista. They were travelling along the edge of a canyon. It was beautiful, one of the most stunning scenes Colin had seen in a while. Problem was, from what he could remember from the map, their route didn’t include a trail running along the canyon lip.

They were lost. And Colin had no idea when it had happened.  

They’d started their trek at seven this morning. It was supposed to be an eight hour loop trail rated mostly as moderate — hills, valleys, forests, meadows, even a walk down by the riverbank. But no canyons.

“All we had to do, was follow the markers. How could we have missed the markers?” asked Faye, her chin in her hand, gazing across the canyon, her voice flat.

“I have no idea.”

“What should we do?” said Faye, still gazing out across the canyon.

Looking away from the vista, Colin looked at Faye. He could see real fear in her eyes. Where they were hiking was considered a wildlife bonanza. There were white tailed deer, elk, moose, foxes, beavers, otters, eagles, loons, coyotes. And bears — black bears, not grizzlies, but still bears. And wolves. He touched the bear spray he carried at his hip.

During the day, when they were hiking they took precautions, but were always thrilled when they came across a wild animal — from a distance. But, not so much now. They were stationary, with no idea what animals called the area they were in, home. Colin surreptitiously looked around for signs for scat and habitation.

Colin and Faye were not new to hiking, so this was not only frustrating, but also embarrassing. Hiking was kinda their thing, and one of the shared loves that drew them together in the first place. They'd met, fittingly enough, in the Love Valley in Cappadocia. Colin was travelling through Turkey on his own, and had decided on the hike through the valley at the last minute. Faye was hiking with her parents and brother, part of a family vacation. They had met on the trail when Faye had asked Colin to take a family photo in front of one of the phallic-shaped spires dotting the trail. They had walked and talked until the end of the trail. Faye and her family had arranged for a car to take them back into town, and offered Colin a ride. He had agreed. The rest was, as they say, history.

But now, they were lost. Quite lost. Colin didn’t need Faye berating him, he was doing a pretty good job of it himself.

Faye looked over at him. “I’m serious, Colin, what are we going to do?” she asked. “Should we just stay here, and hope that someone comes looking for us. We did sign in, and are expected back this afternoon.  

“I don’t have a clue,” said Colin. “Part of me says stay and wait, but another part of me wants to try and backtrack to where we lost the trail.”

“What if we get even more lost?”

Colin looked around. “I’m not sure that’s possible,” he said. “We’re pretty lost right now.

It was just after two in the afternoon. They should be about an hour away from the end of the hike. Instead they were lost in the bush.  

“Okay,” said Faye. “We had to have followed some sort of trail to get here, right?”

Colin nodded.

“So, let’s try to find it, and go back the way we came.”

Standing up, and slapping his hands on his thighs, Colin said, “Sounds like a plan!”

He grabbed Faye’s hand, and helped her to her feet.

“I don’t know where the path came into the clearing,” said Colin.

“Well,” said Faye, looking around. “We know we didn’t come in that way,” she said pointing to the edge of the canyon. “Let’s each start from opposite sides, and meet together in the middle.”

Faye walked left and Colin walked right, both staring intently at the ground as they edged around the perimeter of the clearing.

“Game trail here,” said Colin.  

“One over here, too,” said Faye.

“Yeah, another one here,” said Colin.

“Okay, said Faye, “let’s just mark them. Then we can go back and see if we can tell which one we came in on.”

Ten minutes later, when they had finished their survey, they had found six game trails leading to the clearing.

“Who knew animals liked the view?” said Colin.

“Yeah!” said Faye. “No kidding.”

“I guess we should find the biggest one, maybe.” Colin scratched his head. “But really, they’re game trails.” He sighed. “We’re screwed.”

Faye raised her eyebrow, and gave Colin the stink eye.

“That’s what I like about you, McMillan, your ‘can do’ attitude.”

Shrugging, Colin tried to look contrite. It wasn’t much of a stretch. He was contrite. He’d dragged them out into the wilderness without even being properly prepared. Amateur move!  

Way to ruin our favourite thing, he thought.

“Sorry,” he said.

They loved hiking. In fact, they were slowly (very slowly) working their way through the twenty best day hikes in the world, according to Earth Trekkers. They’d done all of the United States hikes — both the Zion Narrows and Angels Landing hikes in Zion National Park, the Half Dome hike in Yosemite, as well as the rim to rim hike at the Grand Canyon. And of course, they’d done the Inca trail into Machu Picchu — both the four day and the one day treks. And the Fimmvörduháls hike in Iceland. Colin considered that the most spectacular hike so far. Much better, in his option than the other Iceland trail on the list — the Landmannauga trail. Faye wasn’t so sure. Based on the shear magnificence, Faye’s favourite hike was Tiger’s Nest in Bhutan, which ended at a monestary built into the side of a mountain. Breathtaking.

Right now, Colin was quite sure of which hike would be rated the worst day hike of all time, and they were living it in real time.  

Neither of them could remember which direction that they had entered the clearing. They were at a loss.

“I don’t remember being crowded on the trail. Maybe we should try the widest,” he suggested.

“Good idea.”

They went back and checked all the trails. They were all about the same width.

“Okay,” said Faye, not willing to be defeated. “When we arrived at the parking lot this morning, and headed out, the sun was in our eyes, so we were travelling east. If I remember the map we were supposed to travel east for about five miles, then veer south to south-east through the loop for two-and-a-half miles, then head back west for four miles, where the two trails merged at the car park.” She looked around, “So, we’ve hiked—“ she looked at her smart watch, “seven miles.”

Faye looked around the clearing, and up at the sky. “I’d say the canyon is north.”

Colin looked at his phone, and activated the compass app.

“Yeah, you’re right. Just a bit off of true north.”

Faye looked at him. “We’re lost, and you have a compass on your phone? And you just decided to use it now?”

Colin was confused. He didn’t know how using a compass could help them right now. It wouldn’t get them back on the trail. But now was not the time to question Faye.

“Yeah. I didn’t think about trying to figure out our location using a compass,” he said. “But you did, so thank you.”

She looked a bit exasperated, then conceded, “Yeah, you’re right. But we could use it to try and find out way back.

“Right,” said Colin. Looking at his watch, he said, “So, we’ve travelled seven miles, three miles past the loop.” He looked around and pointed due west. “What if we go west, three miles backtracking, and then veer in south? That should get us pretty close to the trail, right?”

Faye was nodding her head. “In theory. But you’re right. That should work.”

They walked over to the game trail had canted west.

“Activate your tracking app, in case we have to come back.” Faye pointed at Colin’s watch.

Colin didn’t know what good that would do, but did it anyway.  Again, happy wife, happy life.

They headed out. The trail swung about, not travelling true west, but close enough. It slowly moved inland, away from the canyon lip.

After two hours of slowly following the game trail, Faye announced that they had hiked nearly three miles.

“Let’s keep an eye out for a trail that veers south," she said, looking at her watch.

The walked the next mile in almost complete silence, scanning the ground. At three-and-a-quarter miles from the canyon, they found a trail that, while not due south, had a strong south-south-west heading. They continued slowly walking, watching the trail, not talking.

Scruffle, scruffle, scruffle.

Colin put up his hand for Faye to stop. She stopped and looked around.

“Bear!” she whispered, pointing her head to the left.

Colin saw it. What he saw made his blood run cold.

“Bear cub.”

“Oh my God.” Breathed Faye. “Where’s mom?”

They both scanned the area slowly. They were in a fairly heavily wooded area, with a moderate amount of brush.

The baby bear hadn’t seen them yet, and was content to continue rooting around a fallen tree.  

They heard crashing behind them.

“Shit, shit, shit!” hissed Colin.

They’d committed the number one sin when in bear country — they’d come between a momma bear and her cub.

They both looked around them.

“Get your bear spray out,” said Faye.

Colin was way ahead of her, holding his canister in his right hand. He flipped the safety cover, and put his fingers around the grip.

“Remember,” said Colin, “wait ’til the bear gets to about sixty feet before you spray.”

“Got it,” said Faye.

They’d both done the online “Bear Aware” course, and, in theory, knew what to do. But watching a video with a stuffed bear, and facing a pissed-off female bear protecting her cub were two very different things.

The crashing behind was getting closer.  

“Come on.” Colin grabbed Faye’s arm and pulled her into the brush. They moved away from the path, trying to be as quiet as possible, making it about ten yards before hiding behind a clump of aspen. The female bear charged down the game trail, stopping suddenly, her head moving from side to side, her snout in the air, smelling the air.

Colin and Faye kept very still, watching the female for any signs of aggression. They knew that bears had one of the strongest sense of smell of any animal — hundreds of times more sensitive compared to humans. They also knew that a bear’s eyesight was poor compared to humans. They were near-sighted, and struggled with sight at a distance. They stood stock still, hoping the bear wouldn't see them.

Suddenly, the bear reared up on her hind legs, sniffing the air. She let out a huff, and looked towards her cub. Cubbie lifted his head and yowled back at mom, and started towards her. She woofed and growled towards the cub, who stopped in his tracks and looked at mom.

Mom dropped back down on all four, and charged towards where Colin and Faye were hiding. But she stopped short, let out a bellow, turning her head to the side, turned, and ran towards the cub.  Together they crashed away through the undergrowth. And, unfortunately, along the path that Colin and Faye had hoped to follow.

“I think I peed in my pants a bit,” said Colin looking after where the bears had disappeared into the brush.

“Yeah,” said Faye, “me too.”

They stayed where they were, still grasping their bear spray tightly in their hands, staring after the bears. 

“What now?” asked Colin, still looking down the trail, unable to drag his eyes away from the spot the bears had disappeared.

“Wait ten minutes, and continue down the trail. ‘Bear Aware’ said to make noise, so we’ll make noise,” said Faye. “But I’m still carrying my bear spray — noise or no noise,”

“Me too,” said Colin.

“Be careful!” said Faye. “Don’t be that doofus on YouTube who sprays himself in the face. Put the safety on.”

“Got it.”

While they were waiting, Colin thought about what was in his pack that could make noise. He put it down on the ground, and started to unpack it. 

“I’m pretty sure I’ve got a whistle in here,” he said to Faye, as he started to unpack his day pack.  

“Good call!”

He started pulling everything out. Jacket, extra water, protein bar — which he offered to Faye, who declined — power pack to recharge his phone, sunscreen, bug spray.

“Here they—“

He stopped, looking in his pack, then over at Faye, then back to looking in his pack.

“Holy crap!” he said.

“What?”

Colin’s face had paled.

“You remember my birthday, last January?” he asked.

“Yeah, so?”

“What did my parents get me for my birthday?”

“I don’t know. It was like eight and a half months ago.” 

She looked at him, closely. He’d gone back to staring into his pack.

“Remember. My mom said’, You never know when you’ll need it! We’ve bought you a year’s membership.’”

Faye’s mouth made an “o” shape.

“Ho-lee shit! You’ve got to be fuckin’ kidding me.”

“Nope,” said Colin, pulling out a small box. Inside was a hand-held device — a Spot X, a satellite emergency notification device. A tracker.  People could find them! They would be rescued! 

Colin pushed the power button, then looked at Faye.

“Nothing.”

“Use the power pack!”

“Right!” he said, mentally slapping his own forehead.

After fiddling around with it, and checking the manual, Colin managed to send off an S.O.S. message.

They waited, staring at the device.

Five minutes.

Ten minutes.

Twenty minutes.

Finally it buzzed, and a message appeared.

“Stay where you are. Park rangers on the way. ETA within the hour.”

Colin smiled at Faye.

“We’re not going to die!” he said, smiling for the first time since he had realized that they were lost.

Faye looked at Colin, far less than enthusiastic than he thought she should be.

“Maybe not right here, right now,” she said, deadpan.

Colin could tell that she was pissed at him. But she was kidding, right?

Suddenly, he found himself hoping the bear would come back.