The Worst Mother on the Planet

“Gilbert! Darling! What a surprise!”

“Mom, my key didn’t work.”

“I had the locks changed.”

“Where’s my new key?”

“Sorry, I don’t have a spare. Oh, how delightful -- you brought Jennifer! Hi! I haven’t seen you in ages!”

“Well, you know how it is, Dory. Two jobs, three kids, volunteering, the day care board.  It’s just one thing after another!”

“I never was on a day care board, and I had only two children and one job. But even that was too much. I see you brought your own coffee. Pick a seat and relax.”

“We brought you a latte, Mom. And your favourite donut – the one with the glittery sprinkles.”

“I just had breakfast, so I’ll save that donut for later. I’m watching my carbs.”

“Haven’t you heard the news, Dory? All carbs are calorie free during the Christmas season!”

“I wish. I’ve gained permaweight every Christmas.”

“I just downloaded an app to keep track of nutrition. I can install it on your phone if you like.”

“No thanks. I have far too much stuff going on with my phone already. It seems that I’m spending half my life running to the Senior Centre for tech help. So – what are you two up to this fine Saturday morning?”

“We just dropped the kids off at their Christmas craft classes. I see you don’t have your tree up yet. Can we help with that?”

“I decided not to bother this year. This whole building is decorated within an inch of its life. All that glitz gets a bit oppressive after a while.”

“Speaking of Christmas – well, Mom, we thought we’d bring over our Christmas wish list to help you with your shopping. I know it’s not easy to buy for kids today. Last year, Ryan had no idea what to do with his grandfather’s compass. Ben said the puzzle was too hard and threw it out.”

“Too bad. There was thirty dollars in the secret chest.”

“Owww! I wish you had given us a heads up on that. And Lynn loves the Raggedy Ann doll you made for her. She sleeps with it every night, but she can’t let her friends know, because they would tease her for being retro. Taylor True is in; retro is out.””

“I’ve already bought their presents. They’re right here in these envelopes, ready to be delivered.”

“Cash, Mom? I’m not sure that’s the best choice…”

“Better. Donations in their name.  Ryan will be supporting a theatre group in Guatemala, Ben will be providing soccer equipment, and Lynn will give a goat to supply milk to a poor family.”

“And I suppose you’re giving us something similar?”

“I’ll let that be a surprise.”

“I don’t know what to say. Jennifer and I will be grateful, of course, whatever it is, but the kids –they’re just not ready to do without gifts.”

“They won’t be without gifts! They drown in them every year!  I wrote them each a letter, explaining what I was doing, and why. Christmas is about giving, not about grabbing everything you can and whining because it’s not enough.”

“The idea of charitable giving is being introduced to them in gentle stages, Dory, by trained education specialists. It’s not something we can dump on them all at once. They need time to process the reality of economic diversity.”

“Don’t they ever watch the news?”

“We don’t encourage it. We watch TV on our phones now, and we’ve blocked all potentially distressing material from theirs.”

“So you’re raising them to be privileged twits, with no awareness of the needs of others?”

“Gilbert, honey – I’m not comfortable with the direction this conversation is taking. I’m going to chill out at the Aurora coffee shop. Just text me when you’re ready to be picked up.”

“Jenny, I thought we agreed to do this together.”

“She’s your mother, Gilbert. I have enough problems of my own.”

“It’s a pity you’re leaving so soon, Jennifer. We’ve known each other for almost fifteen years, but I don’t remember ever talking to you for longer than ten minutes. Do you think you could squeeze a longer conversation into your schedule? We have a lot of common ground. I know we both want what is best for our family.”

“Maybe – sometime in the new year. Ciao for now!  I’ll find my own way out.”

“Have a great day, Jennifer! Gilbert, stop looking like a dog who lost his bone. I’m your mother, remember? You don’t need a body guard. You’ve known me all your life.”

“What we wanted to talk to you about … to make a long story short … what we really want for Christmas … what we need … is a house of our own. Grandpa Dobson’s house is still on the market. Would you consider signing it over to us? We need more space, away from all those horrible street people. It would be so good for the kids.”

“The taxes and insurance on that house amount to more than your current rent. And all those hi-tech clean energy systems require constant maintenance. You just don’t have the knowledge or motivation to take care of an acreage.”

“We could sell the land to a developer. You could move in with us, help with the bills and child care. It would be better for everybody.”

“I was discharged from the hospital two weeks ago. It’s not clear yet exactly what’s wrong with me.”

“You could spend more time with your grandchildren! It would help you understand the work we’re doing to develop our nuclear family unit. Jenny is really hurt about the way you keep finding fault. We have far more professional support than you ever did. We know what we’re doing.”

“It wouldn’t work. Your kids have no idea that anything exists outside their cozy little circle of desires.”

“They need space to develop healthy self-esteem. I spent my childhood at the bottom of the food chain, and it turned me into an insecure worm with no sense of self. That’s not going to happen to my children.”

“You stole everything that wasn’t nailed down.”

“I was traumatized. I needed my father.  Why did you drive him out?”

“He raped one of my friends. He went to jail. I filed for divorce, and never saw him again. His mother blamed me for the whole thing, so she was out of the picture too. Then Mom had her stroke, and I was a single Mom with nobody to lean on.”

“You never told me that.”

“You were six years old. I didn’t have the heart, so I lied. It was just supposed to be until you were old enough to understand, but there never seemed to be a good time to tell you the truth.”

“My father was a rapist?! And you’re dumping that on me now?”

“You asked.”

“Actually, it explains a lot. I was his namesake, and you took out your frustration on me.”

“Not really. I felt so guilty that I let you walk all over me. Your therapist had lots of complicated explanations for your behavior, but no solutions. So I finally did what my father would have done. I taught you about consequences.”

“Grandpa Dobson? He never laid a finger on me.”

“He believed that my children were my responsibility, not his, so he didn’t interfere. But he did tell me that the longer I waited to take charge, the harder it would be for everyone.”

“You should have listened to my therapist instead.”

“I did, for years. All she did was tell me how inadequate I was. The guiltier I felt, the more I walked on eggshells, and the worse things got.  When you started making a hobby of getting other people into trouble, I couldn’t take any more. I never expected that a child of mine could be so selfish and malicious.”

“And without warning, you morphed into this monster Mom. Do my homework. Clean up after myself. Pitch in with chores. Hell, you even made me clean the toilet. How do you think that made me feel?”

“You helped get it get dirty. It made sense for you to help with the clean-up.”

“I spent my teen-age years being grounded. If I was five minutes late, you treated it like a crime. I might as well have been in jail. But Billy did whatever he wanted.”

“Billy followed instructions. He didn’t steal or lie. He made an effort at school.”

“You loved him more than me. He was your favourite.”

“If time and energy and lost sleep mean anything, you were the favoured one. Billy’s needs were often overlooked.”

“Grandpa certainly made up for that! Billy practically lived at his place. He was Grandpa’s pride and joy, and I was the outcast.”

“Grandpa explained to you, repeatedly, that he wanted you to visit too, but he would not allow if unless you behaved yourself. You told him to fuck off. Your loss was Billy’s gain.”

“Grandpa was a bully!”

“You were on his turf, and he called the shots there. That’s something you never seemed to understand.”

“Nobody ever cared about my rights! Billy sucked up to Grandpa and got everything on a silver platter. It wasn’t fair!”

“Billy adored his grandfather and was happy to help him. He got so involved with his pets that he became a vet.”

“Snakes, frogs and salamanders! They’re not proper pets.”

“He made that his specialty because he felt that most vets weren’t knowledgeable enough. He’s done a lot to usher in change.”

“See? You always defend him. Everything he does is automatically right. But I was always dirt, and still am.”

“I did the best I could. You didn’t give me much to work with.”

“You hired that drill sergeant baby sitter, Mrs.C! She wouldn’t even let us play video games!”

“Gina.Calladine was a treasure. I could never have managed without her. She was a retired army colonel, you know. She said that you were more challenging than any recruit she ever knew.”

“The other one – Luna what’s her name – told me that I was the spawn of the devil and was going to hell if I didn’t accept Jesus and clean up my act.”

“That was the last thing you needed. I’m really sorry. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I thought you would agree with her.”

“I always believed that you could do better. And you did. Your marks went up. The teachers stopped complaining about your behavior. You were an army cadet for three years. You graduated from high school with honours. You got a chance at a university degree…”

“You were so controlling that I never learned how to make my own decisions. I turned to drugs … you can’t hold me responsible for my compulsive behavior. An addiction is a serious medical condition.”

“Spare me your version of therapy talk. Everything is someone else’s fault, so someone else has to fix it. You didn’t do the work and you flunked out. When you finally got a job, you were caught with your hand in the till. They promised not to call the police if you returned all the money. So I bailed you out. And that was not the last time. I even sacrificed my house to rescue you.”

“That’s in the past. Why are you raking it up again? Things are fine now. Can’t you just be proud of me?”

“I had my hopes. And then I woke up from a two-week coma and discovered that there were ten dollars and thirty-seven cents in my savings account.”

“I tried to help. I was on the verge of putting a deposit down for your long-term care placement when you revoked my power of attorney.”

“I was grieving my father’s death, and you abandoned me. If I had died in this apartment, you would never have noticed. Then, when you found out that I was not expected to live, you decided to help yourself to a little advance on your inheritance. If I had not specified that you could not touch my registered savings, they would be gone too.”

“I thought you wanted to be left alone. Once you were in hospital, they put you in an artificial coma. There was no point in sitting at your bedside.”

“Eleanor was there every day. She told them she was my niece. They only let her stay for fifteen minutes at first. When they noticed that my vitals improved whenever she was around, they let her stay as long as she wanted. She rubbed my feet with essential oils, combed my hair, prayed for me, kissed me good night. She gave me the will to live.”

“What a touching fantasy! The doctors fixed you, not Eleanor and her essential oils.”

“When I got home, she gave up a couple of her clients to spend more time with me.”

“Mom, Eleanor is your cleaning lady. There’s no need to get all sentimental. She did it for the perks. I bet you’ve rewarded her with a lot of expensive gifts.”

“Eleanor is the daughter I never had.”

“Billy was your girlie-girl. That’s why he’s married to a man.”

“Gilbert, that’s enough. Get your ass out of here before I ram you with my walker!”

“Oh great! Next thing you’re going to tell me is that you’ve changed your will.”

“I can tell you that if I die tomorrow, there will be no financial gain for you. I’ve set up a modest educational trust fund for the grandchildren, but any balance of my estate will be going to charity.”

“You can’t do that! The money Grandpa left you – the accounting business – the house – that’s all family property. You can’t just cut us off.”

“Your grandfather’s estate is not a bottomless horn of plenty. He was generous to a fault. He turned his share of the business over to his partners, who gave him his start. He donated to a lot of ventures he believed in. He supported us when I was between jobs. There’s a sizeable reverse mortgage on the acreage. My lawyer says everything that is left after the sale will be mine absolutely, at my discretion.”

“You’re making that up! The land alone is worth millions. There’s no way you are competent to manage my inheritance. I’m getting a lawyer to sort things out.”

“Don’t expect me to lend you the money for the retainer. You stole sixteen thousand dollars from me while I was unconscious. The law of the land takes a dim view of the financial abuse of elders.”

“Financial abuse! That’s a joke! You gave me your power of attorney. I had the right to take that money.”

“Not for your own use.”

“It was an emergency. If I had been able to ask you, you would have given it to me.”

“I don’t think so.”

“You always did before.” 

“Well. I learned something while I was lying in that bed, waiting to die. I am going to look after myself from now on. The Bank of Mom is closed to withdrawals.”

“Under the circumstances, don’t expect me to pick you up for Christmas dinner.”

“No problem. I’m going to BC to visit Billy.”

“What? How could you, after everything that happened?”

“I called to tell him his grandfather was dead. I said I was sorry. He said he was sorry. We started comparing notes, and discovered that we may not have had an accurate grasp of the facts. Your name came up.”

“Don’t trust him. He’s just after the money.”

“If things work out, I’m moving there.”

“Be reasonable! Your home is here. Do you have any idea what the moving costs would be?”

“I have collected three quotes so far. I can manage just fine, even without the proceeds from the acreage.  I just have to stop throwing my money away on imaginary family emergencies. Billy lives in a duplex, and his tenant on the other side has just given notice. He said he’ll give me the family discount on my rent.”

“You’re just trying to get me upset because it’s almost Christmas and you want me to feel guilty. What kind of mother are you, anyway?”

“The worst mother on the planet. It’s time for you to leave. Eleanor will be here any minute.”

“I’ll be back!”

“And I won’t be here. No matter what I decide, I’m moving out of this dump. I’m going to spend my money on me for a change. I don’t know how long I have to live, but I am going to make every minute count.”

“Damn you! You’re completely off your rocker!”

“Don’t slam the door too hard on your way out. I’ll send you the bill for any damage.”

“Hello, Dorianne dear. You’re looking much better than you did at my last visit.”

“Thank you, Eleanor. I’ve joined a grief group, and it’s helping a lot.” 

“Was that your son that just came storming through the lobby, looking like the wrath of God?”

“Indeed it was.”

“Is everything all right?”

“It was an intense conversation. I think I rather enjoyed it. As soon as you’ve finished cleaning, I’ll break out the sherry. We need to figure out how to get these Christmas cards to my grandchildren without being intercepted by their parents.”