The Job

     The Job

Edna Williams stood just a little bit over five feet tall and weighed about a hundred and ten pounds. She was fifty-three years old and looked her age. The petite lady walked with determination into The Black Orchid, a biker bar, and wrinkled her nose at the smell of stale beer, cigarettes and sweat.

She walked up to the bar and all conversation stopped. Edna barely managed to climb up the impossible tall stool; it was like scaling Mt. Everest to her. She looked around and smiled at the rough and tumble bikers. Those who had not seen her had buddies poke them and nudge toward the female that had invaded their private den.

Red, the bartender, a former outlaw biker, stared at Edna from the corner of his eye. He walked over slowly and shadowed the newest patron. The leather-clad warrior, with a full red beard and a receding hair line that sprouted small tuffs of reddish locks smiled at her.

“I think you have the wrong place.”

“This is a biker bar isn’t it?”

“It is.”

“Then I’m in the right place. I’m looking for a rough and tough biker for a special job that needs to be done.”

Red, trying to hold in his laughter, stared across the bar and tried hard not to burst out laughing. 

“Are there any rough and tough bikers here who are willing to do a special job for this little lady?”

There was a moment of silence before everyone in the bar burst out laughing.

But Edna was not the least bit intimidated.

“It seems like there are lots of potential candidates. I am in the right spot.” She shouted above their laughter.

The bartender and the rest of the patrons stopped laughing.

“So is anyone interested?” She scanned the room and everyone had stopped. It was more of a challenge than a statement.

“What kind of job are you talking about?”

“Well, maybe I better have a beer first.”

“What are you drinking?”

“Whatever’s on tap, Mr. Bartender.”

“Mr. Bartender,” Big John snickered until Red shot him an evil eye dart.

“My name is Red,” he smiled as graciously as he could. The large man picked out a glass, wiped it once, then a second time.

Black Billy, a burly individual who made Red look like a small man, smiled.

“Gee, Red, you don’t clean the glass like that for me.”

All the biker’s snickered and Edna joined in.

“I guess I’m just a special customer.”

Red poured the beer and placed it in front of her. In one swift gulp Edna downed the quaff and then smacked her lips.

“Another.”

There were more grins and whispers.

Red poured another and she slugged it back as smoothly as the second one and then burped loud enough to shake the balls on the pool table.

“You know a good beer when it makes you burp like an earthquake.”

“You’re okay, Edna.” The men all roared at once and it sounded like one of their bikes grinding up the pavement.

“So tell me more about this job. What does it pay?”

Edna looked at Black Billy and became all business.

“I have a wild animal in my attic that I want out. It keeps me awake at night and I’m fed up with it living up there.”

“Why don’t you hire a pest control dude?”

“Because I don’t think they are tough enough. Already had one up at the house and the animal got the best of him.”

Black Billy nodded his head.

“What does it pay?”

“Two thousand dollars if you can scare it away. Another fifteen hundred if you are able to capture it.”

Black Billy stroked his beard and seemed impressed. “I need to do some work on my chopper. I could use the money.”

Edna looked Black Billy up and down scanning him for any impurities and shrugged her shoulders.

“Well, you’re certainly a fine specimen of a man, but are you tough enough?”

“He’s so tough that he gargles with glass.”

There was laughter.

“That ain’t true cause he hasn’t brushed his teeth in three years.”

There was more laughter.

“He’s so tough that the last guy he killed, he inserted the bullets manually.”

There was even more laughter.

“Well, your friends seem to think you’re a tough guy, but you haven’t convinced me.”

Black Billy shrugged his shoulders.

“How would you like me to prove it?”

“Let me break a stool over your head. If you survive it then I guess you are tough enough.”

Black Billy weighed the possibility of having a stool broken over his head and didn’t seem to really like the idea.

“And who’s going to break it over my head?”

“I am.”

There were snickers.

She scanned the burly, gritty audience and they all looked down at their dirty boots.

“I hate to intervene, but you’ll have to pay for any damage to the stool. His head is like cement.” Red eyed Edna.

“Of course I’m going to pay for the stool. So are we set? I don’t want to be away from the house longer than I have to be. Who knows what that wild animal is doing to the place?”

“Okay.”

Black Billy stood up to his full six feet three inches and smiled through his broken teeth and thick beard.

“You’ll have to bend down cause I can’t reach.”

So Black Billy bent over. Edna managed to climb down from her stool without embarrassing herself and grabbed the weapon.

“Ready?”

“Ready?”

“Wait.” Broken Teeth McGee, a dirty, lonesome looking brother of the road, smiled at everyone.

“What is it?”

“I want some of that action. I’ve got a ten that says you can’t break that chair over his head.”

It didn’t take long for the others to catch on and soon money was flying all over the place.

“I’ll take all bets,” announced Red. He pulled out a little ledger book and wrote down names and their wages.  

“I’ll put down fifty dollars,” announced Edna. 

“Fifty dollars on which side?”

“That I am going to bust upside his head. What do you think, Red?”

  “Yeah, Red.”

“Are we ready?”

“Ready.”

Edna picked up the stool from the legs and slammed it over Black Billy’s head. The giant biker fell into a heap.

“Oh, dear, I guess he wasn’t as tough as he was supposed to be.”

“Wow, she did it in one swing.”

“Well, is there anyone else who thinks they are tough enough and wants to make an easy two thousand dollars?”

“Are you gonna break a chair over my head?”

Everyone looked over at Broken Teeth McGhee.

“No.”

“I’ll do the job.”

Black Billy slowly came to and tried to stand up. He stumbled a bit and then managed to get on his own two feet.

“I’m sorry Mr. Black Billy. I didn’t mean to hit you so hard.”

“I’m okay. I’ll take the job.”

“Too late,” announced Broken Teeth McGhee.

“Oh, my what a dilemma.” She looked over at Red.

“Okay guys how are we going to settle this in a gentlemen’s way?”

Broken Teeth McGhee smiled and revealed why he had earned his nickname. “Let him have it.”  

“Thanks BT, I owe you one.”

“Hey, where’s my twenty dollars?” Black Bear smiled.

“I’ll put everyone’s winnings or losings toward your bar bills.”

“Miss Edna, here is your fifty dollars.”

“Thank you, but keep it for the cost of the bar stool.”

“Right. The bar stool is two-hundred dollars.”

“Oh, my, they are quite expensive.”

Edna smiled and pulled out a wad of cash. She threw two-hundred and fifty dollars on top of the bar.  

“Take an extra fifty for your troubles and the beer. Come on, we’ll take my car.”

Black Billy started to walk away with Edna.

She stopped and turned around throwing a hundred bucks at Red.  

  “Drinks are on me boys. Enjoy.”

They whooped and hollered like cavemen and the noise carried outside the bar.

Edna drove a small car and Black Billy stopped.

“I’m not sure I can fit in there.”

“Oh, sure you can. It might be a tight squeeze, but you can do it.”

Black Billy managed to slide his massive body into the tiny car and looked like an over inflated doll when he finally fit all the body parts inside.

They drove off.

2

Edna had a nice house. It wasn’t a mansion, but certainly no rat hole. The ranch style home looked comfortable and organized from the outside. The landscape was solid and only added to the overall splendour.

“Come on inside.”

Black Billy worked hard to get out of the car and finally did so falling on the driveway.

“I did it.”

“You did.” Edna was all business again as she made her way down the stone pathway with beautiful roses growing on either side. Black Billy followed.

Once inside, Edna turned to the behemoth biker and feigned a smile.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Black Billy, but I lied to you.”

“You lied to me?”

“Yes. There isn’t a wild animal in the attic. I needed a tough guy because there’s a ghost in the house that I want you to get rid of it.”

“A ghost?” Black Billy smiled unbelievingly.

Suddenly some invisible force slammed Black Billy into the wall and a chair came flying at the bearded biker much quicker than he could understand. The chair rammed into his gut and the outlaw motorcycle man let out a rough grunt.

“Say hello to Edgar the ghost.”

Black Billy had hardly regained his composure when another chair flew his direction and just missed him. It smashed into the wall.

“Edgar doesn’t want to leave.”

“I can see that.”

Black Billy seemed very confused.  

“I’m not sure how you are supposed to get rid of him, but I want the pest out of the house.”

“Have you tried reasoning with him?”

“With Edgar?” Edna laughed; her high-piercing chuckle raised the tiny hairs on the back of Black Billy’s filthy neck.

“Look, I’m a tough guy. But I don’t know how to fight a ghost.”

Edgar hurled a plate at Black Billy who just managed to duck in time.

“Well, you have to think of something.”

“Why? The ghost is your problem.”

“No, he’s our problem. He will never let you out of this house alive.”

Another plate flew through the air and Black Billy ducked again just in time.

“Great.”

“Edgar you fight fair.”

There was a loud moan and another chair smashed against the wall.

“You must have been in fights before Mr. Black Billy.”

“I’ve been in plenty of bar fights, street fights and school fights, but each time I could see my opponent.”

Suddenly Edgar disappeared.

“He’s gone.”

“It’s a trick.” Edna seemed disappointed with Black Billy’s naivety.

Edgar got behind Black Billy and shoved him into the kitchen table. The burly biker flew into the solid oak furniture like a rag doll.

“Okay, that’s it. Black Billy is mad.”

He pulled out his lighter and ran after Edgar who disappeared only to reappear behind Black Billy.

The burly biker turned around and came at the ghost with more fire.  

The ghost backed off quickly.

“That’s right, Edgar.” Black Billy smiled.

“Not so tough are you, Edgar?”

After a few more flame clashes, Edgar disappeared.

“There you go.”

“Edgar never gives up that easily.”

“Who is this Edgar?”

“My late husband.”

“How did he die?”

Edna looked over at Black Billy and shrugged her shoulders. “I killed him.”

“You killed him?”

“I caught him fooling around with the neighbour down the street so I pushed him down the stairs to teach the cheat a lesson. Then I was going to kick his sorry ass out of here forever. I didn’t think he was going to die.”

“It was an accident.”

“Yes, a pure accident. The next day, he appeared as a ghost and started making my life miserable.”

“You don’t need a tough guy, you need one of the those spook hunters.”

“I brought one in and he thought I was nuts. Edgar never showed up on any of his fancy gadgets.”

“Really?”

“Edgar is a very clever ghost.”

“It seems that way.”

There was silence.  

“I think he’s gone.”

“No.”

Suddenly one of the kitchen drawers opened and the pots and pans flew at Black Billy like a hailstorm.

He did his best to avoid the projectiles but got hit in the head a couple of times. Once he recovered, he tried to use his lighter but couldn’t get in close enough.

“This isn’t going to work.”

“Edgar why don’t you just go away?”

There was a loud groan and more pots and pans flew at Black Billy who had taken refuge behind the table.

“Wait, I’ve got an idea.”  

Black Billy took Edna by the hand and led her to another room.

“Okay, what’s your plan?”

“Where do you keep the vacuum cleaner?”

“Oh, you’re going to suck him up? That’s brilliant. Why didn’t I think of that?”

Edna moved quickly and opened the hall closet door. She pulled out the vacuum cleaner and in a second they were ready to go.

“Okay, what I need for you to do is to distract him.”

“I can do that.”

They moved into the kitchen.

“Okay, Edgar, you win. What do you want me to do? Do you want me to go to the police and turn myself in? Is that what you want? I’ll do it but you have to promise that you will go away for good.

Edgar appeared in front of her and moaned loudly.  

Black Billy moved slowly, cautiously.  

“You know you started it by fooling around with that floozie. I was always good to you, Edgar. I never cheated on you.”

Suddenly, the vacuum cleaner was turned on and Black Billy held the nozzle like a gun at Edgar. The ghost was quickly sucked in and fought as hard as he could, but couldn’t overcome the power. He completely vanished inside the bag.

“You did it.” Edna nearly jumped into the burly man’s arms.

“I did.”

“I’ll get your check right now.”

Black Billy blew the imaginary smoke at the end of the nozzle and was truly proud.

Suddenly, a plate flew across the room and smacked Black Billy in the head. Before he could recover another one hit him and then another one.

“What’s going on?”

“It must be Tina.”

“Who’s Tina?”

“The woman he was fooling around with. I killed her too.”

“You did?”

“I invited her over after Edgar died to tell her that I didn’t have any hard feelings and poisoned her. That home wrecker deserved it.”

More plates were flung at Black Billy who simply could not keep up.

“Tina, you stop that right now.”

When the crystal serving plate ripped through the air Edna turned her head because she could not look.

It struck Black Billy in the head and sheared half of his scalp off. The big, burly biker fell down like a giant Redwood. There was silence.

“Oh, Tina, you killed him.”

Tina emoted a high shriek laughter that almost made Edna scream.

The vacuum cleaner suddenly came on and Edgar popped out to join his Tina in hilarious ghostly laughter.

“You two are impossible.” 

Edna grabbed her purse and marched out of the house.

3

Edna walked with determination into the Wild Eye bar, a biker place, and wrinkled her nose at the smell of stale beer, cigarettes and sweat. All conversation stopped and she managed to scramble up the tall stool with difficulty.

Crabby Joe, the bartender, a one-time outlaw biker walked over and smiled.

“I think you have the wrong place.”

“This is a biker bar isn’t it?”

“It is.”

“Then I’m in the right place. I’m looking for a rough and tough biker for a special job that needs to be done. It pays five thousand dollars.”

Mountain, an incredibly large biker looked at her and nodded his head. “Five thousand dollars? It sounds like something I might be interested in doing.”

Edna’s face brightened and she produced a large smile.

“That’s great. Now how do I know you’re tough enough?”