What A Surprise!

The life of a pastor's wife is interesting, to say the least. Most of the time the last thing she expected was to be a pastor's wife. Quite often, when she married the man, she married someone in a profession so far removed from ministry that the thought never occurred to her. Many times she has never known a pastor's wife personally and has only observed her from a distance at church. Then there are the women whose fathers were pastors and as a PK (pastor's kid) she declared more than once, "I will never marry a pastor." But, God seems to have a sense of humor. The woman who looked forward to being that lawyer's wife now watches him give closing arguments from behind a different kind of bench. The PK who said "I will never," now finds herself mirroring her mom as she dons her hat to take her place in the congregation and dutifully smiles and nods at the members on her way to her seat. Her speech must always be salted with grace and she must never show any sign of distress or stress that might distress or stress a member. She steps into a "role" that has no manual, no list of what not to do, and no advisory board or mentor to whom she can run for wise counsel. If there are children, she must be a great mother with compliant children who never act like children while even in the presence of other children. Whenever she is in the presence of the church folk, she must become who they expect her to be according to their often unrealistic expectations. If she's an introvert, she has to come out of that shell immediately. If she's an extrovert, she must tone it down a lot. If she's short, she should be tall. If she's tall, she should not make short people feel shorter. If she's beautiful she needs to homely it down a bit. If she's homely, she should take to heart the tips of every budding MUA in the congregation. She should be an example of faith and confidence but not so much that the rest of the women in the church feel like they can never measure up to her standard. She should be very comfortable with the pedestal upon which the congregation has placed her but she should never show any sign of anger or frustration or bitterness when they kick the pedestal out from under her. She must be visibly supportive of her husband but she must never have an opinion about anything that goes on in the church even though she is a member of that church. She should be as children were deemed back in the day, seen but not heard. She should be so gifted and talented that the members of the congregation market her talent wherever they go, telling everyone they know about "our pastor's wife" but not so talented that the sister who has the same gift or talent in the congregation is overlooked or feels invisible alongside her. In fact, the pastor's wife should be good with being overlooked most of the time and a poker face is de rigueur at all times. She should graciously accept that she will almost always be introduced as "our pastor's wife." She will be the first person a visitor will want to see and probably the last person they will approach. She must dress in such a way that she is instantly recognizable as the pastor's wife but never so expensively dressed that people begin to wonder if the pastor is embezzling church funds to dress his wife (unless, of course, the church belongs to a denomination where everyone is expensively dressed, then she must stay in step with the style culture of that community). However, having said all of the above, we would be remiss not to point out that there are perks that come with being the pastor's wife. She is recognized and acknowledged in ministry circles, often respected, and given seats of honor at special church events. She is welcomed with grace by other pastors' wives whenever she visits a church with her husband and she and her husband become part of a close-knit community of pastors and wives who support and encourage one another, dine, and vacation together. However, there is a caveat to this high visibility thing because there may always be that one person who recognizes her in any space, someone she has never met but because they have seen her at some service or event they now feel as though they know her and are free to rush up to her anywhere, anytime. She must be on her best behavior even at the laundromat or in the grocery aisle. The culture in many African American churches is to have special Sunday celebrations honoring the pastor and wife's anniversary (tenure) at the church. These celebrations are extravagant and joyous and full of grace and laughter. Afternoon services are usually preceded by sumptuous meals with a head table for the pastor, wife, and visiting pastors and wives (though some church folk have been known to complain about the exclusivity of such a table). Beaming auxiliary leaders present gifts, monetary and otherwise, to the pastor and his wife who smile broadly as they accept the gift. But, imagine the Sunday when a member decides to give the pastor's wife a beautiful purse (in her eyes) one she has picked out with purpose, a gift to surprise and delight her pastor's wife. Standing expectantly before her, this member presents to her PW a large gift bag and waits for the wife to reach into the bag to reveal the surprise hidden inside! The wife (poker face intact) extracts from that bag a large very white leather purse (not a tote, a very big purse) with large colored patches (think quilt work patches) on the front of the said purse. What is the wife to do but give the member a big hug as she exclaims, "Thank you, it's just what I wanted."