A conference

Change. That is something I know well. Change is something that throws me through a loop. Change is hard and uncomfortable . Change is something necessary in some cases. Change can be a choice. Change can be enforced. I have always been chained to something. Always restrictions to my messy life.  

Lets start when I was younger. I did whatever I wanted when ever I wanted. I had no accountability to anyone. I roamed the streets looking like I was working them. This is normal though, right? Mom was gone and on drugs. Fights broke out in the house regally. Sometimes I got locked out of the house all day and most of the night. When I was in the house, I mainly hid in my closet. 

“Get your butt in here now!” I would hear my mom scream. I would shiver. A deer caught in the head lights. What have I done now? I wish that is what I worried about. See the thing is I had bigger bad demons to face. I would get hit with anything at arms length. 

Late at night I would lay in my bed staring at the door. “ Please God let my dad be alive and safe.” Always at fear that my dad was dead. Why I had that fear? Well, my mom would get into one of her moods and not let him see/talk to me. Other times she would ship me off to my dads. I loved being there, than off on some crazy trip with my mom. 

Lets fast forward a little bit. See CPS was a constant presence in my life. They took me out of my moms house for the last time. I am sad to say that my little sister endured more of our mom. “ Polly is going to come with me, and you are going to your dads,” my Gams said. Oh what joy I was filled with. 

Soon I find out that living with my dad is no different from my moms. There had been a change. My dad was married. I had a stepsister who was never around. They would go out drinking every night. My step-mom became jealous of me. “YOU FATHER DOSE NOT LOVE YOU.” Her nose was touching mine. I ran out side to tell my dad. He was to drunk and to smitten by her. He did not believe me.

Change. Something I would beg for. Something I would act out for. Something I worked for. This lady needed to go. Did I get close? Once. It’s 12 o’clock at night, “take this trash-bag and put all the clothes you can in it.” The next day.....back we go. 

It seemed like I got put in a hurricane. Everyday brought new changing and damaging winds. The whole goal was to beat me down to the roots. “ You will not try to beat me. I will come after you,” she would always say. And she was not wrong. Every-time I tried to tell my dad he would look the other way. I believe her goal was to keep my in my room at all times. Unless, they were having a party. She don’t need her friends seeing the true side of her. That was reserved for me and my stepsister. 

Lets, skip in time again. Imagine this, drinking when I wake up and through out the rest of the day. You think I am an adult now? Think again. I am in 7th grade. This is my escape. 

Lets fast forward a little more. Now I am adding drugs to the occasion. I never seem to be home. I am off running the streets again. I got into some trouble with the law. That is normal though, right?

Now can you imagine a girl stuck in her ways who just wanted attention? Well, this part of the story is old as hell. I attracted all the wrong people into my life. Now I am on my way down. I got the mental issues, the drug addiction, and bad taste in men. I tell people I am just the case of living circumstances. They were the excuse, my reasoning, for how I was.

Lets keep moving this train of disappointments. Now I am in jail finding out that I am pregnant. “Surprise!” Yelled the jailer. Fear began to ram-sack my life.At the same time I was so happy. I also don’t think I understood the full gravity of my situation. 18 with no home and no husband. 

Lets take a few more tiny steps. On this one I don’t want to dwell to long on it. This is entering the darkest hole I had ever made for myself. A man. This should be to no surprise to you. We ended up getting married. We were on drugs. He was abusive. We were toxic for each other. Running our tornado though life. We ended up having two kids. We had a cycle and it was destructive. 

Change. This is were things get hard. I have created this life, this hell hole. The only place I could be was with him. If I left him I would have nothing. Oh I have tried many times. “I am packing our stuff up and we are leaving.” This seemed to happen at least once a month. Lets just say I never made it out the front door. He went to prison. The day we were arrested would be our last day as a couple. 

CHANGE. Our cycle is put to a halt. I become homeless. Now let me be clear about this; it is what I chose. I felt so free. So alive. I now have no chains attached to me. I am having fun. Then I realized that I was being chained to this false sense of freedom. I wake up and my eyes open. I am still hanging to a guy who is bad for me. I am still living life in pity of myself. Everything was because of what they had done/ said to me. 

Changing. I now see that life was not as nice as I thought it was. I see I have made a huge mess. This mess only I can take blame on. I get closer to God. I would love to say that everything became rainbows and butterfly’s, but it’s not. Life is had. Life with trying to break a habit. That feels impossible. I had a few hiccups. I started the same cycle. Bad guy and drugs. However, I did learn from those. 

I come to see I set the ball in motion. I still go out looking for attention, for acceptance. Most importantly for love. So I leave the men alone. I don’t touch the drugs. The reason I stand on this stage before you teenagers, is so I can tell you first hand, JUST SAY NO TO DRUGS.