When I Became A Human

TW: domestic abuse

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I would like to tell you a story. It is a true story. It is about how I became human. Algernon probably wished he was human. I think he would have made a wonderful human male. I did not.

To be human is to be noble. It is to be kind, patient...generous. I may have had the genetic markers necessary to be called human, but I was a rat. My wife, Beatrice Bradley, was most definitely human.

She did not have a great childhood. Her father ran around, and he drank a lot. Bea grew up watching her mother suffer from her father's vices.

You would think that would make me at least a little sympathetic, but not. In fact, the opposite. I learned how to use her insecurities as a weakness, exploitable. It gave me a thrill to watch her suffer. I totally felt accomplished like a real man anytime she was on her knees. If she begged, it was better. If she cried, it was exciting, and when she bled...I felt like a god.

I know what you're thinking. You're disgusted and you want to stop reading. You want to see me jailed and chained. I understand. It is not acceptable behavior to exploit others in a cruel or abusive way. The trouble is that it never felt abusive or cruel to me. It felt just. It felt like all the wrong that was ever done, was thrown down at once. It was like god (me) had finally spoken.

I often wondered why Bea stayed with me. I did threaten her. I told her that I would end her if she ever tried to leave. But I knew that if she really wanted to get away, she could. Maybe she knew too, maybe she didn't I'm not sure but it never truly mattered.

What mattered was that while I had her, I was in control and I was the master. I could make her smile; I could make her cry. It was up to me. That control made me feel safe. It made me feel secure. I guess I believed that my power over my wife gave me power over my life.

That belief carried me for a while. I remember when my boss was very angry with me because I lost a client who had been with us for many years. They were a major contributor and one that my boss had acquired when he was still a salesman. I lost them when I lost my temper over the phone. I called their buyer a paramecium. They took their business elsewhere. My boss (Ashe) called me into his office and ripped me a new one. He threatened to fire me. He said that he regretted hiring me in the first place.

We had a mortgage. We had bills. We had a son who might want t=college one day. The pressure to succeed was so great. I was driving home from work thinking about this and how I might be able to suffer through and make it better. The sky was getting dark and a storm was brewing. It somehow seemed apropos.

When I pulled into the driveway, I could see that she had the grill going and dinner was on the picnic table. Apparently, we were going to eat outside tonight.

There was a clap of thunder as I got out of the car. We looked at each other and realized that we would have to move dinner indoors. She picked up a few dishes and I followed suit. The lightning flashed. More rumbles.

Inside the house, Bea asked me if we could go to Hawaii. Part of me wanted to give that to her and make her happy. Another part became enflamed at her impertinent request when we were on the verge of losing everything.

We headed back outside to get more things from the patio. The sky was very dark now. Strange how fast this storm came up.

Oh, it made me so crazy that she was thinking about an expensive vacation when we were facing potential homelessness. the rage mounted in me. She was saying how nice it would be to lay on the beach and sip on drinks with umbrellas in them. The whole thought made me retch. Her words made it seem as though she were the source of all my problems.

She wanted me to be as excited as she was. I couldn't. All I could think of was how stupid it is to go to Hawaii when your job is on the line. Can you imagine me asking Ashe if I could take a vacation for two weeks after losing his best customer?

The lightning was increasing in intensity and the thunder growled.

She was droning on and on about sunscreen and dancing on the beach, I felt the rage grow. Every inch of growth made me powerful. The power of anger welled up and shaped into a ball. It raced down my arm making time speed up. But is also slowed down. I saw every wrinkle, and every muscle of her face as she tried her best to convince me that we needed a vacation. those laugh lines of hers taunted me, seduced me into believing that they were mocking me. Yes, they were mocking me. With every movement, every intonation coming from her voice. They said "Come on James, hit me. Knock the stupid out of me."

The rain began to fall.

The ball of anger was nearly to my fist now. For just a fraction of a second, reason spoke and said, "you can't hit her, you'll kill her!" And that fast the moment and the thought were gone. We were both soaked to the skin already. The ball of anger was entering my hand which was forming into a fist and winding up.

It was too late for me to stop it. There was nothing that I could do. My fist drew back and then raced forward. At that very moment, I heard a brash boom and my vision went blurry. The earth began to spin, and time slowed to a crawl. It was as if I was spinning around to face myself.

I looked into my own eyes unbelieving. Before I realized what was happening, my own fist connected with Bea's face. My face. Our face. It was Bea's face but I could feel it! I was inside of her! I could hear her scream. I could feel the pain. My God, what had I done?

Down we went. I reached out with Bea's right arm to try to steady us, but the body in front of us that looked like me was still coming. Froth on his mouth and fury in his eyes, he wound up another hit. He was terrifying like a monster from a horror movie.

Fear gripped me. I had never experienced anything like it. I couldn't move. I was screaming in my head "No! Don't. Please don't'. But no sound came out. When the fist connected with my (Bea's) cheek, there was an explosion. I thought we were going to die. We went down again, this time for good.

I woke up slowly. The light was very bright. As the remembrance of what had happened came to me, I was thinking I must be mad. I could hear the gentle beeping of medical machines. I was beginning to realize that it was all true. I was still in my wife's body and it was in great pain. A man's voice said: "Mrs. Morgan, you're at County Hospital. You're going to be alright." I turned Bea's head and saw the Dr. "You suffered a concussion and your left cheekbone was shattered but you will heal. Don't worry, Mrs. Morgan, you are safe now, and everyone here including me will protect you." He was tall and strong. He looked like he was capable of keeping that promise.

I laid there not believing what I had done. This was not the first time either. How could she put up with it? There was no possible way that I could allow this to continue.

But how could I stop it? Even if I could find a way to get back into my own body, there's no way that I could control myself. I knew that the only solution would be to let Bea go. So, I laid there and made plans.

I gave her the house and I paid it off. I gave her the better car and paid it off. I put money in an account for her. I have absolutely no idea what happened of how. She laid in the hospital bed for a week. Every morning when we woke up, I felt a little less like I was her and a little more like me.

I did learn that the neighbor called 911. They took me to jail. I was sentenced to 18 months for domestic assault. Every day, I felt more and more in my own body. I resigned myself to jail as it is where I belong.

Please know that I am not proud of what happened. I wish that I could give my experience to everyone who is abusive to the one they love. I am getting counseling now. I don't know if it will ever work but I have to try.

Who knows, maybe one day, I'll be human.