Bright but Loaded

I woke up and turned my alarm off. It's still dark outside. The urge to continue my interrupted sleep was affecting my head, but I shook them off. I get out from my dormitory as I take my fluffy towel and head into the shower room.

My body was freezing as the cold water running down my skin. There were no heaters, and it was 4 in the morning. Living as a student in an elite school is not as happy as you think. To think about the pressure to get flying colors in exam, and about the school's activities as well. Furthermore, I was currently trapped in this jail, boarding school.

Despite being a person who couldn't bear the cold, I finished my shower quickly. I wore my daily outfits and get out from the shower room. As I walked back into my dormitory, I heard a voice from the room beside mine. She was talking to her mom as usual, I thought.

I got into the dormitory, which was a mess. I looked around the dark room, as my vision trying to adjust itself. I sighed. I threw my towel on my bed and started to clean up some mess, which was my own belongings. I pushed all the stuff that wasn't mine.

Because of the cold shower, I couldn't sleep. I switched on my phone, and just went up scrolling the social media. It was all untill one post caught my eyes. 'Be what you should be and stop pretending to be someone else.', that's what it said.

I snickered. My mouth formed a smirk. What is this motivational post? Somehow, being yourself is not the best choice. You will end up suffer alone anyway, so why should you opened yourself to people?

...

"So, that's it?" asked my deskmate. I nodded aggressively as I continued, "And then this filthy squid died, just like that! I mean, you know what? He shouldn't die! Everyone in his excavation team suffered a lot ya know?" She nodded aggressively, just like me.

"Oi, Cikgu Fauzi is here!" shout out one of my classmates. Cikgu is teacher in Malay. Cikgu Fauzi stepped in the class as she brightly said, "Don't forget my beloved students! Today is the day of presentation!"

The whole class protested. I smiled as I leaned my back to the chair. A presentation, huh?

So, my classmates' presentations were all look cool. Their speech is not that impressive, but it's not too awkward for students who just stepped into their high school. It's currently a presentation about Champa, a kingdom existed at the time when Alam Melayu was dominating the world. But it's not the history I want to be worried about.

I gripped my hands, trying to calm myself down. I could feel goosebumps all over my body. I could hear my heart beating faster than usual too. I put my hands under my table, to avoid an eye watching my state. I kept the straight face as I try to focus to the presentation.

"Let's proceed to Kedah Tua's group!" said Cikgu Fauzi and I flinched. It's already our turn? Sh*t. I don't even have a script over my presentation. I was busy calming myself down. Slowly, with shaked legs, I rose up from my table and went to the whiteboard, as my teammate set up the laptop.

Why do I need to feel nervous? It's not like I'm in front of the Prime Minister anyway.All eyes were on me right now. I shivered again before I try to calm myself down. Sh*t. Now, I didn't know what am I doing. I kept walking here and there as my teammates explained their part.

Just the person before me finished, I formed a strong punch. Don't worry, my explaination is not that long.

And then I started talking. I talked without even know what the heck was I talking about. Basically, I just talked anything related to history without me knowing For no reason, I did well on my presentation. I answered the questions, which I always avoided.

As my group's presentation finished, I head back to my place. My deskmate look at me with a worry look. I formed a forced smile as I sat down.

"You're nervous, aren't you?" She bet. I shook. "No, I'm not. There is no need to worry about me, I'm fine.

And that continued for the rest of the day. It was because every subject on today's schedule had presentation as its main agenda. In front of them, I smiled with joy and accept all the critics, no matter if its body shaming, dirty talks, ideal man talks, even though I didn't plan to having a boyfriend, some curses, and anything that I am not comfortable. I know that I should tell them my opinion, but I'm afraid of those stares, those stares that would not respect my opinion.

In this small yet dangerous social bubble, I try hard to survive. I tried to be nice to everyone, but not everyone being nice to me. But it didn't matter as long as someone still supporting me, even after all those body shaming and that uncomfortable talks towards me. I should be grateful.

"You lied." My deskmate said to me as she ate her ice cream. After school, we have a free time and right now I was having a walk with her. "What? I didn't--"

"Stop lying. I know you're lying. Even right now. She said as her gaze shot mine. "Stop lying to yourself, b*tch. It's not like you can lying to yourself forever. I knew, you're not comfortable with everyone, thus you try to fit in this boarding school environment. I understand the struggle buddy, but you should be yourself." She said as she ate her ice cream.

I looked at the football field. It's huge. I finished my ice cream as I sighed. "It's not like I want it though. All I want is just a peaceful junior college life yet everyone started to rely on me, since the very beginning. They will rely on me, and leave when someone who's more capable than me started to appear and took my place. I don't want the position either. My leadership and communicating skill is not that sharp too. I know, I'm just a food can. Everyone will threw me after the food inside me was taken out. And unfortunately I'm used to it now."

"Haih, I know you're an introvert but what's with all the things you do with your full courage to appear as extrovert in front of everyone?" She asked me again. I smiled as I took a deep look into the golden sky.

"It was all to sharpen my skill, that's all." I took my phone out and started taking picture of the scenery. It's a rare phenomenon, the Golden Hour. The time when the sky is full with golden related colour as the sun started to set. I smiled in satisfication as I turned to head back to the dorm.

"What--? For your skill? Are you crazy, you b*tch?! You might turn into a psychopath you know?!" She said as she slapped the back of my head. My hijab's neat awning turned into mess.

"What....Did you do to my hijab you f*cker?!" I said as I slapped her head too. Her hijab's neat awning was a mess too. "But why not with being a psychopath? They look cool." I said as I stared at her with a villainous face.

She flinched. "Don't you dare changed into a psychopath or I will be the one who send you to mental hospital." She said, ignoring me. I laughed my *ss off. She's right. Why did I do something like that? Why did I try to change into a new person? Why don't I just be the one who I truly am? I have the answer for those question already.

It's because that's just the way I am. I am just an average student, a fellow who was used by the classmates as a weapon to runaway from needing to answer teachers' questions, An introvert who act like an extrovert and making everyone fall into a false first impression, a person, who might just been a two faces, without herself knowing, because she didn't have her true self that will be true and pure to the heart and the brain. That's truly who I am.